Thursday, February 18, 2016

A Swan Song.........

Good day to you who comes to visit. I thank you for your support and the shares of similar truths we are experiencing as we "are surfing Armageddon".  My beloved shrink ROBERT LORENZ used to say.  RIP......... He did not mean it in any radical biblical sense......And for me and my direct experience in life these days .......that is what it feels like. A surfing through these amazing dualities.

For me personally , with our limited language......it feels like a constant pressure. Sometimes right on my chest. I feel like my heart is getting pierced by so many different things. On the first level, where my children and our surviving/living in a healthy & happy way. What IS my true hearts desire now in addition to being with and helping them?

I have always wanted to be working with children. They are where I feel true joy. Children, babies, animals and elderly people.....that is my peace. IT is for me a place all is authentic and essential and perfect. OF course, being in nature has this magic as well.

I have been blessed through a few avenues to come face to face with what the business calls "fans".....and I call them a sort of sacred family. TO be in the presence of too many souls to count & in this strange dream of a life, to be in touch with many through social media, has given me so much more than the business ever did.

I have come to the realization that I really no longer care about or....that is not the right way to say it..... With the truth of things as they stand for me, meaning I am proud and truth be told a bit shocked that people loved Audrey so much they sometimes call her an icon. It is such an honor. It is enough for me.

Of course, enough includes my body of work which began at least 7 yrs before Twin Peaks and went on another 23 years after that. In that time I loved most of what I did and hated some too. The point is that I do not have the ambition anymore. I don't care. Sometimes there is something that I become passionate about, but there is a long list of far more accomplished actresses than I that will be offered it first, etc. As well they should.

Bless them. I don't care. I am of course convincing myself on some level because to be blessed to have such wonderful experiences in my life, the people, especially my teachers....of life.... I can have nothing but immense gratitude for it all. It has been a dramatic ride.

I am happy to be 51. I love to not have this mantle of being that girl. That SEX object. It is in every film and now most tv shows. They even much to my dismay wanted me to dose nudity for SHAMELESS...........i was really devastated..... And I did it. And can only hope for the best.

If the drama of our personal stuff is not enough...... There is a piercing on the level of those close to us. Like a circle around the personal circle. Family, loved ones, friends, no friends, animals, depending on how open you are determines how much of this comes in.

Then the world circle......things all over this planet that are happening as I write. Things that for me, I literally have to shield myself from. I have to much of a reaction and anyway, I can feel in my body when really bad things are happening. I get sick.

Truly these circles more than likely go on and on....but Ill end with the infinite circle of the beautiful universe. what we can see and all we cannot.

TO take so much on personally is just a lot of ego. And ego innocently tries to protect us but separates. divides. Judges. Tries to conquer.

I do not know what tomorrow holds. At all. And that is exciting and scary. But it felt more scary to feel that I was trapped here in LA< pursuing something so illusive and deeply heart breaking at times.
As if in this big beautiful world I still needed that.

This is a very transitory place to be in. I am sharing a lot that has come to me recently. I know that the answers are always shown to us. I am sharing because I wonder if a lot of us now are feeling a pull to do something more heart felt in their life.

Too many tears.....for too many years......too many tears.........i need to dance my swan song....

Live to Love!!!!! Blessing to ALL of us to find our birthright......LOVEPEACE

P.S. My friends. Please forgive me but I only do a spell check then just post. I don't reread it. So, if it is bumpy in places, maybe just go with it....or not

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Some things..........a release

Some things must be said.
 Some things, they must be said.  But please keep your pity for yourself.....for where you are blind.

I feel something inside of me changing, birthing.... I cannot stay like this any longer.
These thoughts hold me prisoner, even this writing could be dangerous........yet something must be said. Some things.........

I am so contradictory. It is exhausting riding the moods of my mind. Mixed with the truth of the world  in all its breaking down. And a deep seeded need to feel safe and secure in a world with no such thing....

I have filed for bankruptcy. I will need to turn in my car in Feb. I need a much cheaper place with my son. I am scared. I have been working. We have a simple life. And yet we have nothing.  From working  my boys are taken care of  when i pass. Thank God...

My sons are the best experiences of my life. By far. I love deeper everyday from knowing these two angels. They have and continue to make life worth living. They have shown me a love that never was born, nor shall it ever die. The safest place I have ever known on this planet is within the love of my sons Myles and Christian.

Its as everyone shares, in the blink of an eye its gone....possibilities.....sometimes dreams.....the rosebud blossom, childhood and than one's child's childhood.

My mother loves to share the story with me of how I was born a month "late" and how I did not want to come out into this world. Then, I was born quickly, three pushes she says. Maybe I saw the tongs they were gonna grab at my head with.........nnnooooooooo........

I feel her story. I feel it inside of me in the deepest place. Yes how I love to curl up into a ball and hide under my covers, with loud fans whirling creating a womb like sound.
The things that continue to happen here astound me and make me feel disease in  my bones. I try to shield myself from as much as possible. Because I already feel it and going into  it more produces a state of depression and hopelessness and fear.


I seek the tear in the fabric.  It only comes in moments. It is the quiet voice and feels a higher state. The knowing, the pulling, the flow that has and will forever propel all things forward to light. To love.....

 Something it is silly to try to put into words. It is that that is too vast to be  named.
Surrender Sherilyn....Surrender Sherri....let it be.....there is nothing to do.   It is christmas pj day with my little one.

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to your quiet voice..... It will guide you and all of us have this as our birthright.

I come here to take it to the streets and release more masks this frightened world has made a belief of wearing them and hiding. Instead of shedding them and......gliding......truthfully.....xxoo

Love and Light, as always

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Doors

Hello....i love you won't you tell me your name.

Maybe it was easier living back then and just tripping through the doors of perception. I can only exist moment by moment, lest I crumble into a million pieces and be blown away by the winds of  change. I am lost,  found and  floating all at one time. I feel yesterday/today/tomorrow all at once. And I continue to be lived.... being pierced each moment by an indescribable pain and longing,  a bittersweet love.

Every idea of who I should be or where I should be in my life stab at me mercilessly. A numbness takes over. Its familiar. Its been here since I was so young. Although I am 50, it feels sometimes like it is yesterday. Or like it never was at all. It feels like in a snap who knows what life will now bring to me.  The only mantra of ultimate peace for me is :

 I love my two beautiful sons. I am blessed to be a mother.

They are the only ones who have all of me. And they too shall fly away. Ill keep the nest warm, God willing that I have one. I do the best I can wishing I could do even more. Is this just the same existential dilemma we all fall into? I wonder....

I must say that I am at odds with the fact that nothing is certain. I have fought this battle, always losing. I long for security and the promise "of happily ever after" from the fairy tales. But how can there be in anything....... except in moments. It just all comes back to moments. One by one and with the truth in which we allow them.

I don't remember a time in my lifetime that the world felt like this. IT feels we are all individually and collectively getting are asses kicked. That we are being shaken so that all the dead falls off of us, and it is harder to rid oneself of beliefs of lineages than leaves.

I found a few gardenia bushes sort hidden, or taking refuge from the 100 degree temps we hit in my front yard. I have been cleaning them off, watering them regularly and they are ready to have multiple buds blossom. Something about this is profound.

But i digress


Friday, December 26, 2014

Random ramblings, unedited, from over a year ago........

Write....he said.....so, write.....I shall.

It is hot outside. Swelteringly hot. Summer has come in full force to our little valley home. Upwards of 100. Feeling each time I step outside as if I am being baked like a loaf of bread. Feeling almost larger. Crustier. Complete. Ready to slather w butter and dip into some soup.

Yet non of these things describe the past few weeks of my life. I like and need to share. It soothes my soul. And whatever I am going through, I am ok. I promise you that. But my God, it has been quite a few weeks.

I notice the ebbs and flows of my well-being and wonder how they all exist together in one person. Then I am reminded that I am not just this one little person that I think I am. That I am so much more. AndI have the ability to embody it all. Yes....yes I do.

I have almost no skin it feels like. Everything just goes in. I sometimes am not even sure what it is that is happening. I feel on the verge of dying. And then I remember that I asked for this. That I prayed to be a changed woman. To grow and to learn truly. This is not easy. This is not fun or full of much grace. This is a crawling on a rocky, unpaved road as my hands and knees bleed profusely. As my heart aches. As I feel too many things and am certain I will die.

The mind is a crazy place to live. It is revealed too many times to count that it in its innocence is not my friend. It is relentless in its nature to destroy me. To do whatever it can to makes things get worse and worse.It does not matter where I go or what I do, it does not stop. It seems it is engaged in a full out war with me. And yet, who is the "me" I speak of.

There are multiple "me's" living inside of me. Many voices. Many beings. I believe this is a sort  normal state of being for most people. They all present themselves as the "I" and yet make me , this me, go a little crazy. If I indulge in this at all, I am on a deep downward spiral. Then comes self-medicating as I am certain I cannot escape the self-inflicted attack. I raise my white surrender flag to no avail. It just keeps on going.

I know so much intellectually and yet so little that can really help me negotiate these waters of Armageddon that we find ourselves in the midst of. Like the hugest storm we are all being beaten and battered to the point of not even being able to be recognized. Maybe as much as it hurts though, its a good thing. I would love to be unrecognizable emotional;ly as the person I was yesterday.

I did a lot of work, asked for some help, maybe some huge proclamations and then got my asses kicked from here to kingdom come. What did I expect really? I want these changes and than feel fightened as old pieces of me begin to die. It is the be careful what you ask for, isn't it???

Change for me is something I have never dealt with well. Too much as a child. It is something I am needing to change my relationship to.  I need to change my relationship to change....  Life IS change. Everything changes. Only all the time. Again, intellectual understandings....yes......but the reality....is that there comes a panic over me that feels suffocating and all consuming.  In these moments, nobody and nothing can help me.

I used to think they only happened when I was away from my children, wrong. Or that they only happen at night, wrong. Or that they only happen when I am dealing with something that is a big deal, wrong. What I do not know could fill many libraies.

I can even be excited about something, ecstatic even and one will creep in and destroy that as well.. And I listen.  I must confuse this voice with the quiet one. I believe the nonsense it says. The drama it creates. The problems it starts. The lies it tells. The relationships it ruins. My mistake is to listen.

People speak of just see these thoughts as passersby. This works at times and not at all at others. We are all so complex. There is no magic pill....I know, I have searched for one for yrs. The magic pill is process. ANd in a society that hides the truth how can one walk through the madness of the world right now being honest, vulnerable and open.

A book I read speaks of the spiritual warrior as always having a sort of bittersweet place inside of him. A sort of loneliness. A sort of mourning that is also sweet tasting. I know this place well. But I always thought it was a place to try to escape from. Now I believe that I will learn to accept and coexist with it. That this is a place of truth. This is a place where it ALL is already allowed and accepted. I am the one deciding it should look different. And that is the pain. Some of it anyway.

On a lesser scale, I remember I used to be even more obsessive than I am now about having the house clean. And one day I said to myself: What if I am just one of those people with a house that is not very clean. What would that be like. It seems like a small and insignificant thing but it changed something inside of me deeply.

It is like I was given permission (albeit my OWN) to just not be so neurotic about having everything so clean. It was like a huge freedom. And all I did was to change the way I thought about something..... This does not mean that I now live in squalor. But I am not a slave to these thoughts that would have me on the hampster wheel 24/7 if they could.

I have no control over anything in my life. I am coming to see this more and more everyday. Nothing. Zero. Sorry honey, I know it is still upsetting. IT is the ultimate lie when we think that we are in control. ANything can happen at any moment and usually does disrupt all my little well thought out plans. Not that it is an unsympathetic universe or anything. But unpredictable, yes!!!! Out of my little bs control, absolutely!!!!

As I write these words I literally feel a bit sick to my stomach. I wonder why...... It evokes this and a sense of wanting to sleep, to hide, to run. To lay down and be taken care of by someone other than myself. It evokes a hot flash. A palpable fear. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach right now. If I don't take care of things....who will?????

I am in a free fall..... I have no idea what is gonna happen in the next months and years of my life. I thought they were certain. I was wrong. Always wrong. And still alone. At 48 yet with still so much work to do on myself, it seems. I get tired of looking at other peoples lives assuming they must be better than mine. It is not good to lose sight of the immense blessings and abundance that we all have in some ways in our lives.

"If you get and you quarrel everyday. You're sayin' prayers, to the devil I say.."
Bob Marley

There are times when isolating is needed. I am in the midst of this.








Notes to self...

It is Christmas day, 12:18 pacific standard time. I sit alone in my living room. Which is  'living ' in full bloom at the moment. The fireplace is blazing a real wood fire and the sweet scent of our Douglas Fir Christmas tree permeates the air. And is enhanced my the warmth of the crackling fire. Stockings are hanging and beautiful blinking lights like twinkling stars are everywhere.

Its times like this I miss a proper winter with the snow. The pull towards relaxing, reflecting and hibernating appeals to me so. It has been a long and difficult year. I am grateful for the gifts that presently appear to be happening in the future. And in the present.

I am grateful for the way my perspective seems to be transitioning. Not easy to put into words. But I knew I needed to write....its been SO long, too long. Then it occurred to me, I was not going to write. IT was gonna write  me. This feels so much more free when I remember it is not "me", "I", the ego, the mind, whatever.  But I am simply the vehicle.

It Is a life force flowing through. And my job is to be self aware enough to get OUT of the way as the flow of this magical life takes me perfectly where I need to go. OR be. Which is always WHERE I AM. Like it or not, wherever we are is perfect.

We all feel more seemingly alive in the drama of all this suffering but approaching 50, on Feb 1.....I for one and exhausted. I want to truly learn to extract the true joy of the moment. The closet I come is in moments with my Myles,21. And with Christian, 7. Children are truly, I say time and time again, the beauty of the world.

The innocence and intimacy and pure deep love and respect (which is essential) that I have had the gift of experiencing with my two sons, has-is-and continues to be unparalleled. I feel safe to give them everything, all of me....it is a strange thing.

I want to be writing more often..........xxxooo



Sunday, June 2, 2013

Masks

Life is a strange and beautiful dream. When I remember this, I have peace. When I look around and am grateful for things and people, see them with love instead of fear and hate, I have peace.  Even the things that make perfect sense to fear and hate. When I simply embrace them too.....I am free. This is who I am and who  I work to be. This is my quest.

No state is sustainable. Every thing and every moment is transient. This is a huge challenge for me. If you don't like change, in a world that constantly changes, its gonna be a bumpy ride. I try to free fall into it all. Realizing I don't have any control, nor did I ever. 

Too much change and instability as a child planted these seeds in the soil of the personality this life. Now as an adult I work to pull these weeds from my garden. Sometimes I am able, other times I still need to work at it. I see the announcement of a deep seeded issue when I have a big reaction to someone or something. The bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. So life points the path out to me and all of us in this way. 

Yet, most choose to not see it. They choose instead to blame those close them. Unable to truly know and see  themselves, unable  or unwilling to identify and  drop the mask of their incomplete self. Its almost as if they hold on as tight as they can to an image they created of who they need to be in the world. No matter how deep this lie goes. 

It is like we go through life with our ego in the driver's seat. And it rips little pieces of other peoples personalities, external wealth or fame, way of seemingly being in the world. Like ripping pictures from a magazine. I want these eyes, this kind of nose, these lips. I want these clothes to cover this type of body. Imagine what that picture looks like. And abstract, mishmash of nothingness. Certainly not real. Just an imaginary person. That is the person one wants to walk through life as ?????? Not me. 

I was talking to a friend of mine awhile back. He shared that I was emotionally immature. He had the grace of sharing a lot as we are similar but we laughed about it all. I realized he was right. I am emotionally immature. The paradox was that as I saw this and admitted it for the first time to myself and then to others.....THAT was a big step towards emotional maturity. This is the trippy and paradoxical way the world works. I love it.

I am a walking contradiction. An eternal paradox. What can be true for me in one moment can change entirely in the next. I am just an ever-changing  human in this way. I allow it. And sometimes I judge it. Am confused by it. So what is wrong with being confused. When I used to tell my dear Roy London.....I don't know!!!! His reply was always....Oh good!!!! Now we can begin.

I have been so blessed in my life for many years to have had wonderful teachers come in. To show me the way. Even when I did not learn what they spoke of until years later. I stilled learned it. I learn everyday and am grateful for that. I feel them and I hear them and I know they are and will always be with me. Life is a beautiful dream. Our loved ones never really leave us. 

It saddens me how many masked people I encounter everyday. Even many close to me. I choose to not wear this mask. I choose to explore and embrace all aspects of myself. Even those that some would say are ugly or horrific. I choose to live a whole life. And that may be lived alone as so many choose to hide and cower form truth. Even their own blessed one. 

When one does not live that way they are judged and condemned by some. They are blamed and considered a loose cannon. A cannon that blows to shreds  untruths that it encounters. And so it is. This is my path. Even when I am not right, which is often. I am always right in revealing, allowing and sharing MY truth. 

"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are really  princesses just waiting to see us just once be beautiful and courageous.  Perhaps everything terrible is, in its deepest being, something helpless that seeks our help."

Rainer Marie Rilke

Within this shadow, this part we hide from, is great beauty and treasure beyond belief. To hide from ourselves is a dangerous game. It is to live half of a life. It is to never truly  know oneself. It is the "not to be" of  "To be or not to be." It is a tragedy. I choose to be.....

There are no chosen people as I hear some religions say. We are ALL chosen. We are all the same. No matter what you do, where you live, how much money you have or make. We are all in the same boat dealing with the same stuff. 

I pray you begin the journey of removing your mask so as to live a more complete and glorious life. It is not easy but nothing worthwhile is. And like everything, it is as difficult as we make it. 

Live to Love.....yourself first.....xxxoooo


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me....and I'm feeling good......

I am learning. I am growing. I am grateful. I am seeing I don't need as much as I sometimes like to have. I am caring more about others and what I put out into the world. I am loving myself more. Everyday. I am now doing TM. Because David Lynch aka DKL has yet again extended his hand to me and changed my life. He is an angel in my life. I suggest all people have a daily practice to go inside as the outside world is a bit crazy these days.

There are days when I feel as though I can barley move. The energy is so strong. Things are going on that we cannot even know or process on a intellectual level. The only peace of mind is to know that it is not personal to you. It is happening to all living creatures on this planet. Things are righting themselves, I believe. Getting balanced and put into the correct order.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. This is what I keep verifying in my life. It never comes on my timetable and it never looks like I think it should but shit happens. And I am forever grateful. For me there is no hell as in a place where you go when you sin as my Catholic upbringing would have me believe.

To me hell is living here with no awareness that we are ALL loved and cherished. That every hair on our head is counted. That we are protected and carried. Only always, in all ways. This does not mean we will not experience suffering. We will. Birthing a child is the best gift one can receive but a woman does not do this without experiencing a depth of pain that is beyond word. Especially if you do it naturally as I did with my first born.

We run from this pain in various ways. But wherever we run, there we are. We actually make it worse that way. Let it be. Let the pain go all the way through you and it will pass . And make room to have a deeper love and a deeper joy. The places where pain carves into us makes room to feel deeper positive things.

And always remember, this is just a dream. A beautiful dream. I know sometimes it feels like a nightmare. But that is usually when we fight and decide that things should look or be different. When we lack acceptance. When we look outside for someone or something to fill us.

A wise man said wash a cup and be present and you are awake. Find the sublime in the seeming mundane. Perception is everything. Stop blaming your childhood, your teacher, your spouse, your friends....even yourself. Become a warrior. A gentle warrior.

Yes, it s razors edge. So what. There is no better way to spend your time than getting real with yourself and all those around you. Let all the masks fall. Make it your goal to be authentic in all of your encounters. This is a key to freedom. To joy. To all these beautiful things that are literally your birthright. This is how the powers that be intended us all to live. We just got it wrong. Made some mistakes. But it is a new day. Rejoice. Make a different choice. Right now.

There are many wonderful books and sources for us to support ourselves as we change. As we rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I am reading a few books but the one that is really resonating with me and helping on so many levels I will share.

Shambhala: The sacred path of the warrior        by, Chogyam Trungpa

Life changer. Game changer. Jump on board. Haven't you suffered enough. I know I have. And I know I will again. But as I grow I deal with it all different. I allow it. I try to not run from it and when I do, I catch myself and turn to face whatever it is that needs my attention and intention.

Its a new dawn. Its a new day. Its a new life for me......and I'm feeling good......
Nina Simone