Friday, December 26, 2014

Random ramblings, unedited, from over a year ago........

Write....he said.....so, write.....I shall.

It is hot outside. Swelteringly hot. Summer has come in full force to our little valley home. Upwards of 100. Feeling each time I step outside as if I am being baked like a loaf of bread. Feeling almost larger. Crustier. Complete. Ready to slather w butter and dip into some soup.

Yet non of these things describe the past few weeks of my life. I like and need to share. It soothes my soul. And whatever I am going through, I am ok. I promise you that. But my God, it has been quite a few weeks.

I notice the ebbs and flows of my well-being and wonder how they all exist together in one person. Then I am reminded that I am not just this one little person that I think I am. That I am so much more. AndI have the ability to embody it all. Yes....yes I do.

I have almost no skin it feels like. Everything just goes in. I sometimes am not even sure what it is that is happening. I feel on the verge of dying. And then I remember that I asked for this. That I prayed to be a changed woman. To grow and to learn truly. This is not easy. This is not fun or full of much grace. This is a crawling on a rocky, unpaved road as my hands and knees bleed profusely. As my heart aches. As I feel too many things and am certain I will die.

The mind is a crazy place to live. It is revealed too many times to count that it in its innocence is not my friend. It is relentless in its nature to destroy me. To do whatever it can to makes things get worse and worse.It does not matter where I go or what I do, it does not stop. It seems it is engaged in a full out war with me. And yet, who is the "me" I speak of.

There are multiple "me's" living inside of me. Many voices. Many beings. I believe this is a sort  normal state of being for most people. They all present themselves as the "I" and yet make me , this me, go a little crazy. If I indulge in this at all, I am on a deep downward spiral. Then comes self-medicating as I am certain I cannot escape the self-inflicted attack. I raise my white surrender flag to no avail. It just keeps on going.

I know so much intellectually and yet so little that can really help me negotiate these waters of Armageddon that we find ourselves in the midst of. Like the hugest storm we are all being beaten and battered to the point of not even being able to be recognized. Maybe as much as it hurts though, its a good thing. I would love to be unrecognizable emotional;ly as the person I was yesterday.

I did a lot of work, asked for some help, maybe some huge proclamations and then got my asses kicked from here to kingdom come. What did I expect really? I want these changes and than feel fightened as old pieces of me begin to die. It is the be careful what you ask for, isn't it???

Change for me is something I have never dealt with well. Too much as a child. It is something I am needing to change my relationship to.  I need to change my relationship to change....  Life IS change. Everything changes. Only all the time. Again, intellectual understandings....yes......but the reality....is that there comes a panic over me that feels suffocating and all consuming.  In these moments, nobody and nothing can help me.

I used to think they only happened when I was away from my children, wrong. Or that they only happen at night, wrong. Or that they only happen when I am dealing with something that is a big deal, wrong. What I do not know could fill many libraies.

I can even be excited about something, ecstatic even and one will creep in and destroy that as well.. And I listen.  I must confuse this voice with the quiet one. I believe the nonsense it says. The drama it creates. The problems it starts. The lies it tells. The relationships it ruins. My mistake is to listen.

People speak of just see these thoughts as passersby. This works at times and not at all at others. We are all so complex. There is no magic pill....I know, I have searched for one for yrs. The magic pill is process. ANd in a society that hides the truth how can one walk through the madness of the world right now being honest, vulnerable and open.

A book I read speaks of the spiritual warrior as always having a sort of bittersweet place inside of him. A sort of loneliness. A sort of mourning that is also sweet tasting. I know this place well. But I always thought it was a place to try to escape from. Now I believe that I will learn to accept and coexist with it. That this is a place of truth. This is a place where it ALL is already allowed and accepted. I am the one deciding it should look different. And that is the pain. Some of it anyway.

On a lesser scale, I remember I used to be even more obsessive than I am now about having the house clean. And one day I said to myself: What if I am just one of those people with a house that is not very clean. What would that be like. It seems like a small and insignificant thing but it changed something inside of me deeply.

It is like I was given permission (albeit my OWN) to just not be so neurotic about having everything so clean. It was like a huge freedom. And all I did was to change the way I thought about something..... This does not mean that I now live in squalor. But I am not a slave to these thoughts that would have me on the hampster wheel 24/7 if they could.

I have no control over anything in my life. I am coming to see this more and more everyday. Nothing. Zero. Sorry honey, I know it is still upsetting. IT is the ultimate lie when we think that we are in control. ANything can happen at any moment and usually does disrupt all my little well thought out plans. Not that it is an unsympathetic universe or anything. But unpredictable, yes!!!! Out of my little bs control, absolutely!!!!

As I write these words I literally feel a bit sick to my stomach. I wonder why...... It evokes this and a sense of wanting to sleep, to hide, to run. To lay down and be taken care of by someone other than myself. It evokes a hot flash. A palpable fear. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach right now. If I don't take care of things....who will?????

I am in a free fall..... I have no idea what is gonna happen in the next months and years of my life. I thought they were certain. I was wrong. Always wrong. And still alone. At 48 yet with still so much work to do on myself, it seems. I get tired of looking at other peoples lives assuming they must be better than mine. It is not good to lose sight of the immense blessings and abundance that we all have in some ways in our lives.

"If you get and you quarrel everyday. You're sayin' prayers, to the devil I say.."
Bob Marley

There are times when isolating is needed. I am in the midst of this.








25 comments:

  1. Sweet Sherilyn! It's so nice to hear you after a year of silence.
    Merry Christmas and happiest of New Years. Be strong be beautiful and believe you are NEVER alone!

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  2. Whilst often seen as selfish or simply ignored, isolating is an essential part of life. Clear heads, clear thoughts.

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  3. Thank you for writing again!!!! It's a gift to reveal truth and allow others to experience a certain level of profound and deep emotion that your words possess. Being a highly sensitive person myself your blog makes me feel like I'm not crazy that I am human and it's the beauty in the glimpse of your experience that comforts me.

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  4. Thank you for writing again!!!! It's a gift to reveal truth and allow others to experience a certain level of profound and deep emotion that your words possess. Being a highly sensitive person myself your blog makes me feel like I'm not crazy that I am human and it's the beauty in the glimpse of your experience that comforts me.

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  5. Welcome back. That was quite the hiatus!

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  6. There is just a week of this, I asked at one of my sisters what was for her to be in the loneliness. Her response was: "I like to have, during the day, moments of loneliness for re-find me.… be in a quiet place..."
    Then I asked her : "And if those moments were not only when you wanted them but will be there during all your day, how you will call this loneliness?".
    She said, "I would feel in a abandonment."

    I think you know the loneliness that my sister can know and describe me, and that you also know this thing that we call (in our head too, with many voices) "solituuuuude" ....

    Dam/

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  7. Sherilyn, will be seeing you in May as I am a vendor. Please contact me through my site at www.donwalthropphotography.com as I have a proposal for you.

    Thanks!
    Don

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  8. Sherilyn, I have enjoyed reading your shares since you first started this site back in 2009. I always find your writing incredibly brave and profound. Your honesty has always inspired me to look at things and actually deal with them, instead of running away from them and hiding. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. Love and light….god bless.

    p.s. - I recently enjoyed your work in The Brittany Murphy Story

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  9. Sherilyn,

    That was such a delicate and profound piece of writing. This is the first time stumbling into your blog, and this is the first time reading a post. I could feel so many different emotions within your words, in a way I cannot describe....

    You are such a role model to so many people. You are a beautiful, talented, and extraordinary artist. Just today, I was introducing my family to TP. Its almost odd that I've stumbled upon this piece, at 6 AM on News Years Eve. Maybe that means something. I don't know. I've always liked the word, Eve. Because it refers to new beginnings, and the chance to create and conquer new things, live new adventures.

    Sherilyn, I know this is not the appropriate platform, nor format for me to do this sort of thing - but I can hardly describe what an honor it would be to work with you. I am a 24 year old filmmaker from LA who has adored your work throughout my entire lifetime. My production company and I are doing a major indie feature this summer, which will hit all the festivals in '16.

    I'm really embarrassed to say this, but seeing as how this may be the only slim chance to getting to work with you, if you are interested in this please let me know through my email conradstudiosonline at gmail.com (had to remove the @ to avoid internet spammers) - thank you for reading this, and even if nothing comes of this, I'd like to say, thank you for creating such an iconic character in Audrey Horne, and thank you for inspiring us all...

    Best,
    Conrad Faraj
    http://youtube.com/conradstudios

    p.s. sorry if this posted twice! never used blogspot.

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  10. Glad your back! Stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago and went through all your old posts. Such honest and insightful writing. Your return to Blogger has given me the motivation to start my own in the new year.

    Hope 2015 treats you well,
    Luke

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  11. Don,
    The address you left does not work. I tried. Sorry.....
    You can send it to my asst and she will get it to me.

    bakneal@aol.com

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  12. Wonderful to hear your voice again even if from the depths of some difficulties. much love and light sent to you!

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  13. I can only go by my experiences but I took a lot of stick growing up. You grow up fast and maybe it taught me how to be stronger. I don't honestly know.

    When you think about it, we spend so much of our lives being influenced by everything but ourselves. It is a profound thought I think because I cannot tell you what thoughts are my own.

    So many people out there have all of these beliefs created to divide consciousness, and yet what is a belief? It's just blind acceptance.

    The most important thing is truth because that gives us a space to decide what is good and what is evil. We need to balance ourselves so that we know ourselves but also understand how important other people are and the world we're live upon.

    People that have a little worry about what others might think, will always try to make a little excuse or a work to imply they know - such as bumbling or rambling but the truth is it says more then that. it's says that these are your thoughts. This is how you feel. So there's honesty there. Integrity. Strength because sometimes thoughts are matched by a feeling that it's worth saying.

    Conspiracy theorist get called crazy and you've given no indication of being one - however, what you have in common is the desire to know the truth. There's so many lies and propaganda out there. It's a real show of strength that you are thinking and using introspection because lots of people have lost that.

    So when you feel this way, it's absolutely a strength. It's like being in alignment with the state of the world. The world is crying out right now for an end to war. An end to injustice. More equality. Peace on each. Love. An end to slavery and manipulation

    Meditation (if you don't) should help in time to quieten the voices. Know that you are not alone. There are many people out there that understand and it's not easy because people we often surround ourselves with, feel different because they might be left or right brain imbalanced.

    No one can say - but if your heart is in the right place the truth will always set you free. So when you feel down, always remember that your not alone.

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  14. At one pole of my being I am one with stocks and stones. There I have to acknowledge the rule of universal law. That is where the foundation of my existence lies, deep down below. Its strength lies in its being held firm in the clasp of the comprehensive world, and in the fullness of its community with all things.
    But at the other pole of my being I am separate from all. There I have broken through the cordon of equality and stand alone as an individual. I am absolutely unique, I am I, I am incomparable. The whole weight of the universe cannot crush out this individuality of mine. I maintain it in spite of the tremendous gravitation of all things. It is small in appearance but great in reality. For it holds its own against the forces that would rob it of its distinction and make it one with the dust.

    This is the superstructure of the self which rises from the indeterminate depth and darkness of its foundation into the open, proud of its isolation, proud of having given shape to a single individual idea of the architect's which has no duplicate in the whole universe. If this individuality be demolished then though no material be lost, not an atom destroyed the creative joy which was crystallised therein is gone. We are absolutely bankrupt if we are deprived of this speciality, this individuality, which is the only thing we can call our own; and which, if lost, is also a loss to the whole world. It is most valuable because it is not universal. And therefore only through it can we gain the universe more truly than if we were lying within its breast unconscious of our distinctiveness. The universal is ever seeking its consummation in the unique. And the desire we have to keep our uniqueness intact is really the desire of the universe acting in us. It is our joy of the infinite in us that gives us our joy in ourselves.

    If you find that this resonates with you then the rest can be found here:

    http://tagoreweb.in/Render/ShowContent.aspx?ct=Essays&bi=72EE92F5-BE50-40D7-6E6E-0F7410664DA3&ti=72EE92F5-BE50-4A37-5E6E-0F7410664DA3

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  15. Will two people together with the same sickness in the stomach, can help each other? At least for a moment? If so, I hope to find that someone, because like you, everything I've learned and I know until today, I do not think that is enough to keep me calm or at least without despair to questions I ask myself every day, and not has answers.
    (sorry my english, my first language is portuguese).

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  16. I'm so in awe of you that I'm almost embarrassed to comment, as I've been reading your blog for ages, but this is my first comment.

    This particular post really hit home with me, because as someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety since childhood, I find that rolling over the cusp of forty has been quite hard.

    I feel like I should know who I am by now, but I don't, and even in regular therapy (as I am)...I don't think I ever will.

    To see someone like you, who I've admired for years be so open and real about their struggles is very inspiring and gives me hope.

    I'm so glad you are back from your hiatus and I hope you keep writing!

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  17. I hope it's not inappropriate to put this here but I wish I had the words to describe the profound effect you had on my life. The first time I saw TP I was 16 years old and it was like I had been stuck by lightning. Not just because of the show itself which I love. And not just because I had never seen anyone so stunningly beautiful (yet so not Hollywood). The character of AH had something very special that resonated with me. I had thought of my own budding "weirdness" at the time as something to suppress or to be ashamed of or at the very least was the antithesis of sexy or attractive. And here was someone who shined with this intense sensuality and wonderful weirdness. No one had ever done that before. It changed the way I thought about myself and helped me embrace all of my own wonderful weirdness and sensuality. I felt like I was a more authentic soul. For that I will always be thankful to you.

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  18. I wish you a woderful birthday, I have had a wonderful 50 year birthday weekand. bo.peterson@gmail.com

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  19. As a counselor i support people everyday and I believe it takes courage to face your fears

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  20. Happy late birthday Sherilyn! May it be the best year yet. ^_^

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  21. Hello Madam Sherylin

    I just started watching Twin Peaks, and have seen 2 episodes so far. Already, as soon as I think of "Twin Peaks", the image that comes to my mind is of Audrey's. That character is probably the most complex in the show so far. And it does look like it was tailor made for you!
    I'm sure you've told this umpteen times but you are so beautiful! I had to google you right away, and was delighted to find that you have a blog! Your writings are so expressive, and I thank you so much for giving such insight to us readers, into what goes on in your mind.
    I will be catching up on all your past work, and will also keep an eye out on what you do in future. Yes, I am your fan now :)

    Please do continue writing, and thanks for reading this!

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  22. Well Dylan said early 'I'm better than no one and no one is better than me', That sure helped. Humans are much greater than they imagine, and of course there are reasons you are as you are.

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