Friday, May 8, 2009

My pity party, reaching for my voice

A wise man once shared that he feels there is no such thing as "writer's block", but that you simply don't have anything to say. I suppose that is where I have been. I got injured doing a stupid episode of a cable tv show and was basically thrown 5 feet across the room and fractured my tailbone. Also smashed into a potted plant on the ground on my mid back and altogether shocked my body, mind and spirit.

Woe is me. In a big way. This post is my pity party. It sucks being injured and especially at the hands of although someone I liked, I felt it was irresponsible. There is NEVER any reason to hurt another actor, even if the script demands, which this did not. Just a little to pumped up and into it , I suppose at my expense.

This situation has evoked something I had never experienced....panic attacks. Fun. Not sure why, but they just come up. Maybe because it was so unexpected at such a crucial part of the body, the tailbone, that is connected to...well...only everything. So I try to go one day at a time and heal. I m told it takes a long time. How fun.

I guess this is God's way of forcing me to slow down and to look at me and ask for help. I have discovered that I have a deep lack of self care/self love. I always knew it was there, but it is screaming at me now. You see, I am a micromanaging and very controlling person. So an injury is crazy making for a woman like me.

Then there is the joy of dealing with Workman's comp. And where they have for the most part been so helpful, lets face it....with all the fraud around this you meet some pretty shitty doctors who clearly don't even give a damn about you and at times downright lie about the actually injury. One in particular will be receiving a letter from me. Not because I feel I could ever change his willy ways but for ME.

It seems a well known fact but bears mentioning, those who cheat the system, screw it for those who have real injuries and need help. Oh well. I have been as I said taken care of so far so good. And even managed to find a good, kind doctor [on the approved list] so all is proceeded as it should.

So much for keeping my weight down. Not being able to move much in the past month has been disastrous. I feel like I have gained 300lbs. It actually closer to 10 but at 5"4, that a lot. But after starting physical therapy I will start moving again, starting today.

It seems to me that this is a boring blog so I apologize but it is simply where I am at the moment. The cool thing is that as I am writing, I just got a message from a fan in response to my complaining about the heat to"sit in front of a fan and update my blog." The beautiful, ironic part is that is EXACTLY what I am doing, even with the fan.

And so there is a GOD and we are all one and connected. I promise my next update to be ........hopefully more specific......more real..... but I am just continuing to pick up the bat.

One of my most revealing moments about me, to me was in a fight with some guy I was dating, it doesn't matter about what but I shouted at him with passion and misplaced strength,"You could NEVER say anything to me I haven't already said to myself!!!"

Get it, got it good.