Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Hello....i love you won't you tell me your name.

Maybe it was easier living back then and just tripping through the doors of perception. I can only exist moment by moment, lest I crumble into a million pieces and be blown away by the winds of  change. I am lost,  found and  floating all at one time. I feel yesterday/today/tomorrow all at once. And I continue to be lived.... being pierced each moment by an indescribable pain and longing,  a bittersweet love.

Every idea of who I should be or where I should be in my life stab at me mercilessly. A numbness takes over. Its familiar. Its been here since I was so young. Although I am 50, it feels sometimes like it is yesterday. Or like it never was at all. It feels like in a snap who knows what life will now bring to me.  The only mantra of ultimate peace for me is :

 I love my two beautiful sons. I am blessed to be a mother.

They are the only ones who have all of me. And they too shall fly away. Ill keep the nest warm, God willing that I have one. I do the best I can wishing I could do even more. Is this just the same existential dilemma we all fall into? I wonder....

I must say that I am at odds with the fact that nothing is certain. I have fought this battle, always losing. I long for security and the promise "of happily ever after" from the fairy tales. But how can there be in anything....... except in moments. It just all comes back to moments. One by one and with the truth in which we allow them.

I don't remember a time in my lifetime that the world felt like this. IT feels we are all individually and collectively getting are asses kicked. That we are being shaken so that all the dead falls off of us, and it is harder to rid oneself of beliefs of lineages than leaves.

I found a few gardenia bushes sort hidden, or taking refuge from the 100 degree temps we hit in my front yard. I have been cleaning them off, watering them regularly and they are ready to have multiple buds blossom. Something about this is profound.

But i digress


  1. Learning to live in the moment and not in the past or the future is a skill I have not yet mastered. Honestly, I am a general failure at it. We are of similar ages, you a few years ahead, and I have often felt the same stab of uneasiness, of disappointment that I have not managed to fulfill my dreams even though I never really knew for sure what they were. I have spent my life living for others and defining myself by how happy I made them, which is a losing proposition as we both know. I no longer know what I want for myself; that’s wrong, I have never known what I wanted. I just knew where I was needed.

    And now each day I wake up and wonder what shoe will drop. Nobody is at ease. What was that Don Henley lyric from Heart of the Matter “These times are so uncertain, there’s a yearning undefined and people filled with rage...” and a few lines later “The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness, they’re the very things we kill I guess.”

    Thank you for continuing to share yourself with those of us who follow your infrequent posts. Communication is hard when you also have to wonder what each person wants from you. But I suppose the same is true for all of us who give instead of just take, just in different ways depending on who we are and what we are trying to be.

    Take care of yourself, you are no good to your two blessed sons if you do not put yourself first in some things. Yet I have no doubt that if the occasion required you would do as the late and missed Kirsty MacColl and push your children out of danger, sacrificing your life to save theirs.

    I hope my letter and small package found its way to you eventually, if not do not concern yourself, it was a hand-written letter of thanks for being genuine when my wife Heather met you (and me as well) at Texas Frightmare. And a copy of the memoir I wrote, only in the hopes it might stimulate you to consider going back to work on your own. And a p

    Actually, I will close with another Kirsty quote...she remarked once that her childhood gave her the outlook “If I can just make it to 18 years old without killing myself, I think I’ll be okay.” Sadly I have found the time frame for that is continually adjusted forward. We get older and we gain a lifetime of experience, but how much of that really prepares us for whatever is to come? Instinct and whatever we really are, deep inside where we do not or dare not look, are the only guiding forces and tools we have when we turn the corner and see the next obstacle or crisis.

    Douglas Kent
    Mesquite, TX
    doug@itstheirhouse.com and dougray30@yahoo.com

    P.S. You may carry the weight of the world on your shoulders but you are not alone in doing that. Unfortunately each of us carry our own world. It is only when we dare to be vulnerable and combine forces, or seek honest friendships and relationships, that the load can be lightened (even partially). But being vulnerable is almost the hardest thing anyone who has lived their lives can ever dare to do.

  2. I miss seeing you on Twitter. My handle was a_silly_rabbit. You were following me. I'm not sure if you remember that or not.

    I will forever be grateful for the kindness you showed to me and all of the other Peaksies out there.

    Sadly, I've had to mostly divorce myself from the internet and completely from all social media.

    I found social media made my depression and anxiety worse and also made me question whether or not these friendships I was forming online were real or not.

    I've discovered since then that obviously they weren't. Even those I left my contact information with haven't even bothered to reach me. Quite sobering. And sad.

    Now I realize more than ever how blessed I am to have my family, my soulmate, and my pets, who love me for who I am, despite all my flaws.

    I will never be a mother, but I'm so thankful for the love in my life. And I will never take it for granted again. It's the people closest to us that make this crazy world we live in remotely bearable.

    As someone who just came back from the brink of suicide. I am more grateful for life than ever. It's a shame it took social media and it's toll on me to make me realize the value of life.

    Anyway...I've rambled long enough.

    If you see this, remember I will be forever grateful for your kindness, and I hope someday Audrey will finally end up with her Special Agent.

    Love and Light,

    1. Amy, don't let the fact that some "friends" on social media turn out to be false deter you from finding new ones. Just as in life, sometimes people we think are friends turn out to be far less, and some we barely think of are the truest. I can say from personal experience that I have good friends I have known for 20 years who I have yet to meet in person. And I have "Friends" I have known in person for just as long who would never me there for me if I needed them.

      The world can make us build such walls and defenses, but I decided a little over a decade ago not to let the world change me any longer. I was going to be myself, not who the people around me wanted me to be. And I was going to be the kind of friend I wanted to have, and let the other person drift away if that's what they chose to do. Many of them do. Rejection still hurts, but I try not to look at it as rejection. They are just not meant to be part of my world.

      Depression is a cruel and devious enemy, I wish you strength in your battles. I still bear the scars of the ones I have lost, and the guilt - misplaced or not - for what I should have done or said or been.

    2. Hi Amy,
      I was going to leave a comment for Sherilyn when I saw this. I just wanted you to know that a whole bunch of us care about you. We have wondered how you were, hoping that you are okay and I'm glad that I stumbled across this comment.

      It must be so hard to have to deal with anxiety, and I'm sorry that social media made it worse for you. It's good that you disconnected yourself from it and I hope it will make you feel better.

      I just didn't want you to think that none of us cared about you. Even if we're miles and miles apart and complete strangers, we did come together and I know that some of us have formed friendships that are as real as any online friendship can be.

      So yes, we cared and we miss you. But don't come back if it made you feel worse. Try to stay healthy and focus on yourself.

      Becka (Swedish, nohoontherojo)

    3. My older brother shot himself in 95. My family or lack thereof was ahattered. I became as jaded as one can be. In 88 I was diagnosed with which will eventually be my death sentence. My father is currently dying (als ). This by no means at proving the Woe is me or narcissistic like the majority of society has become. Sweetheart your life is valued beyond any understanding you or I have. Cherish what you have either good or bad. Laugh when others cry, and cry when everyone laughs . Amy smile please. Embrace yourself for the better or worse. In the end it may not be all roses but you my dear will be standing strong. Best to you maam and hang in there

  3. Sweetheart, I think your response is perfect:

    Water the growing, and have faith.

    You're being taught to trust -- trust that what you are doing and what you have done is exactly what you need to do. If you're repeating the same wrestling match with a single issue of self-doubt, you're being wise to take note. Be pliable.

    I'm so proud of who you are. I was so delighted to discover your pictures and your writing. Thank you for being so candid and honest, even when you're frightened, unsure, messy, or a little sailor-tongued. I really like the lady you've become.


  4. Life is but a dream. This could be a long response because there are so many people out there, that have lost their way. It's a blessing to be awake because it's opportunity to grow. Like a flower. Lots of people out there are imbalanced in their brain and as a result lack the clarity and humanity. I suppose it's healthy to be somewhat concerned, it's a valid emotion. However, it's also important to empower yourself. It's so important to do that. There is no true separation. Our perceptions is really entrainment and we're just one big butterfly in a garden ..somewhere.

    There is a sickness in society. An imbalance in people. We're in a left brained dominated society, no real coincidence people take selfies by road accidents. Lots of people has lost their humanity but you haven't. That's a gift. So let it empower you and don't worry about digressing. The world can afford to slow down. Sometimes it's fine to take the scenic route. All the best.

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  6. Hello,

    All introspective people feel this way at times. It does, sadly, seem to become more pronounced with age, at least in my experience.

    Entropy abounds! All systems trend toward chaos as they progress. It is easy to perceive this sensation as "everyone is getting their asses kicked". It sure feels that way a lot of the time...

    We often think we are peculiarly alone in this malaise -- but we are not. I can't offer any words of wisdom or advice on your existential dilemma save you are not alone. By sharing your blunt feelings you remind us that our human condition is indeed bittersweet, but can partially remedied by remembering we are all in this together...

    Well wishes,


  7. Back in the 80s you sent me an autographed photo. I knew we were kindred yet I was always a ghost

  8. Nothing is as it seems. Almost nothing. The Law of Attraction is BS.

    Thank you for writing the truth.

  9. My dear Sherilyn,

    I stumbled upon your blog today. Ever since the news broke of the revival of Twin Peaks, I have loved seeing you sharing bits and pieces of your life so freely on Facebook and Instagram. It's like reuniting with an old friend.

    It's funny how so many people assume that the lives of the "stars" in this country are perfect--as if a little fame or fortune or good looks or money can stack the deck or divert the usual chaos that comes from being human. I think most people look at stars like you and think that you must be so lucky to live your life inside a cocoon where the trials and tribulations and heartache of every day life are blissfully absent.

    I'm glad I stumbled on your blog today, because I'm a person like you, a kindred spirit, who knows very well what it's like to constantly question if I am enough--am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I a good enough partner? A good enough mother? A good enough friend? You're right...the world around is is filled with chaos and disorder and negativity. But there is a whole lot of goodness and beauty and positivity out there too. I am enough. And you are enough. And we make the light of the world shine a little brighter because we care enough to try and spread that positivity around.

    Life is uncertain and unpredictable. It can change in an instant. But we're here, and we're doing the best that we can, and we're connecting with the other souls on this planet in one way or another. You have the gift of acting. You take on a role and portray characters in a way that very few can. You bring an honesty, an integrity, an authenticity to the screen. It's no wonder that a brilliant cinematic mind like David Lynch sings your praises. He knows that women like you, actresses like you, are rare. I can't wait to see what this new chapter--of Twin Peaks and of life in general--holds for you, Ms. Fenn. I have a feeling that it's going to be amazing. You are, and will always be, more than enough. :-)



  10. The world was always changing and chaotic. It was just below the perception of our senses which were dulled by distractions. Don't be afraid or apprehensive. Just know the world carries on and we are just a blink of an eye.

  11. Hi.

    Off this summer with my three sons.

    Am chilling to twin peaks in the mornings.

    Was walking behind someone average yesterday. Couldn't help but be overcome by their sense of dignity. It dawned on me they'd tesigned themselves to doing the right thing all day every day.

    If they can do it, so shall I.

    "Play my way either way"

  12. One of the most sublime things about our existence here is that we live inside solitary moments that are complete miniature lives in themselves. You and I exist in this moment together, and if you read this comment a minute from now or a year from now, that moment is still shared and complete. This is also one of the hardest things to accept - that we have to share this moment, appreciate it, care for it, and let it go with no expectation for the next moment. I know how to say these things to you - if only I knew how to actually carry them out.

  13. hello! Sherilyn,have you seen the movie the secret by Rhonda Byrne ?

  14. I have to wonder if Mr Lynch has regaled you about TM? Though it doesn't seem to me that he would proselytize unless asked. Are you curious? TM and other forms of meditation are reputed to be quite calming. I guess the upside of having no family to speak of like myself is that you really don't worry about the later stages of life. I'm just worried about the little debt I have and my papers, trivia. I've always been interested in the paranormal, or supernatural if you wil, because I'm headed there. I've always found that calming also. Best to you, and I hope you and Audrey do well.

  15. oh how that gardenia bush can be just such a blessing

  16. Dear Sherilyn,
    The way i see it, your life, is as follows. Because you got carried away by a fear of shortage things you wanted like the treasure, God, your dream were happening too soon (too short, young, cold, man, 1/2 etc), but now everything is too late (too much, big, tense, full, high, 2 etc.).

    Now I, God-The Elder, is warning you, must intervene: ENOUGH of this!
    Stop worrying, asking, blaming and/or condemning others, letting go to waste or giving away energy, money, protection, power, being emotional or scared, getting carried away...

    Accept the fact that there's sufficient of everything, everywhere: sufficient time, money, energy, love, that you have sufficient now and later, that the only thing that really matters is a goog connection, between you and God, between you and me, between man and woman, you and 'the other', whoever this me be. Where there is friendship, unity, acknowledgement, an agreement, a bridge, certainty, recognition, confirmation, connection, where '2 is 1', there and then -and only there and then- everything works out just fine.

    In other words: game over for you, this is your Year 0! Start all over again, like a small child (you're allready broke, cleaned out!), with completely new rhythm, determining priorities anew. Then proceed step by step and slowly but surely you'll be able to succeed inwhatever you want to achieve. In other words: what you'll plant today will be fruitfull, will bring succes. This will be your Mark-on-Life.

    I am you, and you are me, we are (The) One!


  17. Dear Sherilyn,
    I just found your blog while searching for your address, because I wanted to asked you for an autograph. I just love everything you write here. I also love Audrey Horne - you know, she is wearing sweet, retro clothes and this is exactly what I really like to wear - this 1950s style. I really like everything you're sharing here and I hope you'll publish this book you mentioned once. I'll wait for it. I am also waiting for new Twin Peaks season - I just can't wait! I hope you enjoy making it!

  18. Really sorry to hear you are having financial trouble. Wish I had a chance to help you out. You are in my prayers. I appreciate your work in the showtime series Shameless.