tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912790399612004392024-02-07T22:13:56.756-08:00Postcards from the LedgeSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-27537498349175316412019-03-01T13:35:00.000-08:002019-03-01T13:35:03.369-08:00What IS fashion???<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwmjcisF8TbCjhwwl0KvmcQ2sarnhs4s8XOJAoOi7noB1O9pY8rw5IHe6ywZIraFu9nwmmLLTWmWSM8J6xQpqzG4XRgA4tYu5GcHIi2utY2MNiTh6YboG8niSwIa02pIpv2dON5-WaDt8/s1600/IMG_2780.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="360" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwmjcisF8TbCjhwwl0KvmcQ2sarnhs4s8XOJAoOi7noB1O9pY8rw5IHe6ywZIraFu9nwmmLLTWmWSM8J6xQpqzG4XRgA4tYu5GcHIi2utY2MNiTh6YboG8niSwIa02pIpv2dON5-WaDt8/s320/IMG_2780.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
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Heeyyyyyy !!!!! I am back and blowing up my blogs into the whole of my life. So yes I will still share what's going on in my journal-esque form but life is good and God is good all the time and all the time God is good.<br />
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So in my joy and newfound contentment because of God lets share and have some fun!!<br />
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Let's talk fashion.<br />
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Oh no, not that runway, what in and out, I'm 12 and posing on magazine covers fashion...<br />
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I mean the fashion that never gets old. The fashion that never dies. The fashion that needs nobody's approval or validation.<br />
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The honest fashion of you being you!<br />
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As a child, I had a very distinct and unique sense of style. So desperate to fit in and be a part of a fallen world where originality is stomped out, laughed at and forbidden lest you simply step out of the lies of the tribe of wanna be clones. So I created my own unique look.<br />
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There are so many fashion statements that are cultural, geographical even psychological.<br />
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I beg of you escape from it all. The real soul inside of us all longs to be free.<br />
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Like when you were a child and you simply did not give a damn what anybody thought or said or did. We were all free back then. Free to play and dance and sing. I am pointing to us all turning and in fact running back to that part of us.<br />
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We cannot enter the kingdom of heaven lest we be like children. What does that mean. It means without self judgement, malice, self hate, self consciousness. Yes for others as well, but it really does begin with us.<br />
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<span style="background-color: #b4a7d6;"><b><i>Because when we are solidly who we are, truly loving ourselves and not caring or needing others validation.... that is when we are truly free.</i></b></span></div>
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Yes it is not easy in this fallen world. Yes it takes personal work. Yes it is swimming against the tide. But make like the beautiful salmon and do it. Soon there will be more and more of us truly authentic, happy, joyful people living this gift of life. All things worthwhile take some work.<br />
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Get over it, get on with it. A joyful, God intended future awaits you.<br />
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You inner child is yearning to be released from the prison she/he was put into with layers of cover the older we got. And when it doesn't have intervention and change we crystalize and get hard, bitter and remain unhappy and dissatisfied for the rest of our days.<br />
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So it is a new day !!!!! Lets have some fun. Most of this blog has gone from the inside out. And I will still explore that to was it is necessary. Now I am gonna to also share going from the joyful outside in! Starting with the idea and lie of fashion.<br />
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I was on a set I worked on for a few years when one day my director and lead actor made an observation about me. They said: YOU THEME DRESS. I did not know what the hell they meant and asked them to explain further. They shared that my style was a non-style and was too eclectic to stick into one category. One day-they shared- you look like a surfer, the next a cowgirl, the next a Catholic school girl and the next a 1950's pin up girl.<br />
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At first this distressed me. Yes this was a famaliar observation, that I did not sort of 'fit in' and I thought about it a lot. Finally years later, praise and glory for the wisdom age brings, I realized that there are many parts to me.<br />
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That I don't fit into a box. (Boxing Helena) That it was ok to be who I am. And that from day to day depending on my mood, I DO dress in different ways.<br />
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I also realized that my dressing up in different ways was completely related to me as a child. Oh how I loved to dress up in different ways and pretend to be different people. All the stories I would make up in my mind and in my imagination. Yes, it was an escape from a painful childhood but who cares? It was my escape. It worked then and it still works to this day.<br />
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What I wear very much will reflect where I am and what I am feeling in my life. So sometimes I can even use it as a tool to feel better. Put on a new dress or purchase one. Buy new pretty lingerie. All for me. Not for the public. Not for my family. Not for a man. For me. And it makes me feel better. I smile more and feel better.<br />
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Of course this will not eliminate the internal work that we all must do to be free fro the past. It is just another tool. And it is unhealthy to stay in that 'dark, work on my shit place' all the time. We cannot change the past, only our relationship to it. Discover. Uncover. Recover. Amen.<br />
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So in my world fashion equals individuality. Feeling good.<br />
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The fabric needs to be fabric that feels good on my skin. No more wrapping myself up in some tight piece of whatever, seeking attention. Exposing myself in an overt way where lets face it-who wouldn't look if your kitties are hanging out.<br />
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I believe the statistic is that something like 93 percent of adverts use sex to sell products. All kinds of products. ITs comical once you start to actually see it. And what is sex? Only the most physical intimacy two people can have???!!!! And it is exploited here in ways that I will not even go into. That will be another post. Suffice to say, to me it is sacred.<br />
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When we have the courage to be free in how we express ourselves externally, it begins to seep in internally as well. Take things you like and put them together. They need not be 'in style' or even match. Remember when all of a sudden grunge was en Vogue? That trend was very laughable. Those people who dressed like that did so before the craze, during the craze and after, even to this day. They are who they are. And that to me is an art form.<br />
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Be who you are. Yes we can take ideas from some things we see. Of course we will. But to feel you must have it all, and wear it just as someone else did is a prison and a lie. THAT is a programing that the world has put into us. It is a lie. Be in the world but not of the world. Even if you are someone who dresses weird. WHO CARES ! If it is you in your skin. Unless you do it for attention....another blog altogether.<br />
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Halston, Gucci, Fiorucci.......prisons they are. It is all fronting. All this designer and that designer. Seek to be who the Author made you to be. GOD. The Creator has made you far more interesting then any designer on this planet could. Not to mention the cost of that path is blood money. ITs car and house payments. It's crazy is what it is.<br />
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Don't buy the lie.<br />
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You are perfect as you are. You are not made to fit in but to stand out. In your own unique way.<br />
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That is fashion. Be in your own fashion.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfSUoHLLUzEpyJ8xO99A3zniw0ZFiu-Wr0vkxYzknhcPkZZC4lWAfMSUU_Q_cx_JHULhF7VyOYmbey0QeKacR3G_u8RsftK7IisM4ijIZbAof7PogZvfqkrHuk8fA-O3mPbsxyKOiqMhQ/s1600/IMG_2783.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="524" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfSUoHLLUzEpyJ8xO99A3zniw0ZFiu-Wr0vkxYzknhcPkZZC4lWAfMSUU_Q_cx_JHULhF7VyOYmbey0QeKacR3G_u8RsftK7IisM4ijIZbAof7PogZvfqkrHuk8fA-O3mPbsxyKOiqMhQ/s320/IMG_2783.jpg" width="262" /></a></div>
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So be loud and proud. Seek to dress the real soul, the authentic you. When you are happy and truly, truly comfortable with the perfect you that God made you to be-the world will reflect that back. And those too asleep in their materialistic, shallow existence to see it....f*** 'em.m Bless 'em and f*** 'em. They matter not.<br />
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I share this as it took me many years to come to this wisdom. Especially in a business that is so filled with lies. I pray you hear me and not need to go through any more pain of changing who you are authentically to 'fit in.' There is nothing down that path. It is the hamster on the wheel going around and around and getting nowhere.<br />
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These days i have been sketching a line of dresses that I am gonna co-create with an experienced seamstress as I have yet to learn that part of it. As I sketch I feel a joy I have not felt for many years. I feel like a child. It is so much fun. I am loving it and excited to share it with my sisters of the world.<br />
The visions are coming from my heart. Working and living from there is everything. I feel reborn.<br />
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OF course this cannot all be said without the acknowledgement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And He, His word, His teachings have nothing to do with religion. In fact, if you ever study Him you will see He did not teach religion. He taught LOVE. He came to free us. And He who sets you free I free indeed. He actually fought and with the 'holy men' who bastardized God's word for their own selfish purposes. But again, another post for another time.<br />
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I send you forth as divine, individual, unique sheep amongst materialistic, fronting, uncreative dead clone wolves. Therefore be as gentle, beautiful and original as doves -fly baby fly- and as strong, unfazed and unrelenting in your truth as you can be. With God at your side.<br />
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He will never ever leave you. Believer or not. HE still loves you and will never, ever leave you.<br />
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Check out my current faves... so much fun to make for each of you!! I'm happy to autograph them or just make them with love and send them your way!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6fRlmB0uHcYE7iLcZc28izP8T0CN-jEz2R18ZEJDfRY_C4snCWWyaoPqeHjaQDa9iH3WChp8upg8_Hbo55Zmuu37tMXyC9d8KFGAV9pzrMzij-5tY3x7ETY9bo0A6G3SXG64q0iXYlzw/s1600/IMG_2726.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="saddle booties" border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="640" height="269" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6fRlmB0uHcYE7iLcZc28izP8T0CN-jEz2R18ZEJDfRY_C4snCWWyaoPqeHjaQDa9iH3WChp8upg8_Hbo55Zmuu37tMXyC9d8KFGAV9pzrMzij-5tY3x7ETY9bo0A6G3SXG64q0iXYlzw/s320/IMG_2726.jpg" title="saddle booties" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-37539820066718522662018-04-07T21:48:00.002-07:002018-04-07T21:48:29.946-07:00SPRING FLING AT MY NEW WEBSITE FOR THIS WEEKEND ONLY OF NEVER BEFORE SEEN PLAYBOY PICTURES. www.sherilynfennxo.com<br />
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Sending you all love and lightSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-90761105011991146182017-01-30T12:17:00.001-08:002017-01-30T12:17:21.893-08:00PLEASE COME TO MY WEBSITE !!!!!! http://www.sherilynfenn.loveGood morning!<br />
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As of my birthday on Feb 1st, 2017 I will finally have a website that is amy inclusive with connections to my new blog, all social media, a current monthly newsletter and a store as well....<br />
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Please subscribed stay in touch.<br />
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I value all of this my sacred family more than these mere words can express. I hope you will continue on this strange and beautiful journey with me for as long as God allows.<br />
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See you on the flip side.<br />
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With much gratitude and LOVELOVELOVE<br />
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Sherilyn<br />
xxxoooxxxoooSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-72912866661176721852016-02-18T12:53:00.002-08:002016-02-18T12:53:58.543-08:00A Swan Song.........Good day to you who comes to visit. I thank you for your support and the shares of similar truths we are experiencing as we "are surfing Armageddon". My beloved shrink ROBERT LORENZ used to say. RIP......... He did not mean it in any radical biblical sense......And for me and my direct experience in life these days .......that is what it feels like. A surfing through these amazing dualities.<br />
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For me personally , with our limited language......it feels like a constant pressure. Sometimes right on my chest. I feel like my heart is getting pierced by so many different things. On the first level, where my children and our surviving/living in a healthy & happy way. What IS my true hearts desire now in addition to being with and helping them?<br />
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I have always wanted to be working with children. They are where I feel true joy. Children, babies, animals and elderly people.....that is my peace. IT is for me a place all is authentic and essential and perfect. OF course, being in nature has this magic as well.<br />
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I have been blessed through a few avenues to come face to face with what the business calls "fans".....and I call them a sort of sacred family. TO be in the presence of too many souls to count & in this strange dream of a life, to be in touch with many through social media, has given me so much more than the business ever did.<br />
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I have come to the realization that I really no longer care about or....that is not the right way to say it..... With the truth of things as they stand for me, meaning I am proud and truth be told a bit shocked that people loved Audrey so much they sometimes call her an icon. It is such an honor. It is enough for me.<br />
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Of course, enough includes my body of work which began at least 7 yrs before Twin Peaks and went on another 23 years after that. In that time I loved most of what I did and hated some too. The point is that I do not have the ambition anymore. I don't care. Sometimes there is something that I become passionate about, but there is a long list of far more accomplished actresses than I that will be offered it first, etc. As well they should.<br />
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Bless them. I don't care. I am of course convincing myself on some level because to be blessed to have such wonderful experiences in my life, the people, especially my teachers....of life.... I can have nothing but immense gratitude for it all. It has been a dramatic ride.<br />
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I am happy to be 51. I love to not have this mantle of being that girl. That SEX object. It is in every film and now most tv shows. They even much to my dismay wanted me to dose nudity for SHAMELESS...........i was really devastated..... And I did it. And can only hope for the best.<br />
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If the drama of our personal stuff is not enough...... There is a piercing on the level of those close to us. Like a circle around the personal circle. Family, loved ones, friends, no friends, animals, depending on how open you are determines how much of this comes in.<br />
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Then the world circle......things all over this planet that are happening as I write. Things that for me, I literally have to shield myself from. I have to much of a reaction and anyway, I can feel in my body when really bad things are happening. I get sick.<br />
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Truly these circles more than likely go on and on....but Ill end with the infinite circle of the beautiful universe. what we can see and all we cannot.<br />
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TO take so much on personally is just a lot of ego. And ego innocently tries to protect us but separates. divides. Judges. Tries to conquer.<br />
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I do not know what tomorrow holds. At all. And that is exciting and scary. But it felt more scary to feel that I was trapped here in LA< pursuing something so illusive and deeply heart breaking at times.<br />
As if in this big beautiful world I still needed that.<br />
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This is a very transitory place to be in. I am sharing a lot that has come to me recently. I know that the answers are always shown to us. I am sharing because I wonder if a lot of us now are feeling a pull to do something more heart felt in their life.<br />
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Too many tears.....for too many years......too many tears.........i need to dance my swan song....<br />
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Live to Love!!!!! Blessing to ALL of us to find our birthright......LOVE<joy>PEACE</joy><br />
<br />
P.S. My friends. Please forgive me but I only do a spell check then just post. I don't reread it. So, if it is bumpy in places, maybe just go with it....or notSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-22801717883406118672015-12-29T09:49:00.002-08:002015-12-31T14:57:01.291-08:00Some things..........a release Some things must be said.<br />
Some things, they must be said. But please keep your pity for yourself.....for where you are blind.<br />
<br />
I feel something inside of me changing, birthing.... I cannot stay like this any longer.<br />
These thoughts hold me prisoner, even this writing could be dangerous........yet something must be said. Some things.........<br />
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I am so contradictory. It is exhausting riding the moods of my mind. Mixed with the truth of the world in all its breaking down. And a deep seeded need to feel safe and secure in a world with no such thing....<br />
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I have filed for bankruptcy. I will need to turn in my car in Feb. I need a much cheaper place with my son. I am scared. I have been working. We have a simple life. And yet we have nothing. From working my boys are taken care of when i pass. Thank God...<br />
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My sons are the best experiences of my life. By far. I love deeper everyday from knowing these two angels. They have and continue to make life worth living. They have shown me a love that never was born, nor shall it ever die. The safest place I have ever known on this planet is within the love of my sons Myles and Christian.<br />
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Its as everyone shares, in the blink of an eye its gone....possibilities.....sometimes dreams.....the rosebud blossom, childhood and than one's child's childhood.<br />
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My mother loves to share the story with me of how I was born a month "late" and how I did not want to come out into this world. Then, I was born quickly, three pushes she says. Maybe I saw the tongs they were gonna grab at my head with.........nnnooooooooo........<br />
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I feel her story. I feel it inside of me in the deepest place. Yes how I love to curl up into a ball and hide under my covers, with loud fans whirling creating a womb like sound.<br />
The things that continue to happen here astound me and make me feel disease in my bones. I try to shield myself from as much as possible. Because I already feel it and going into it more produces a state of depression and hopelessness and fear.<br />
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I seek the tear in the fabric. It only comes in moments. It is the quiet voice and feels a higher state. The knowing, the pulling, the flow that has and will forever propel all things forward to light. To love.....<br />
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Something it is silly to try to put into words. It is that that is too vast to be named.<br />
Surrender Sherilyn....Surrender Sherri....let it be.....there is nothing to do. It is christmas pj day with my little one.<br />
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LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to your quiet voice..... It will guide you and all of us have this as our birthright.<br />
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I come here to take it to the streets and release more masks this frightened world has made a belief of wearing them and hiding. Instead of shedding them and......gliding......truthfully.....xxoo<br />
<br />
Love and Light, as alwaysSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-62693099679131454972015-06-02T11:28:00.002-07:002015-06-02T15:15:06.861-07:00DoorsHello....i love you won't you tell me your name.<br />
<br />
Maybe it was easier living back then and just tripping through the doors of perception. I can only exist moment by moment, lest I crumble into a million pieces and be blown away by the winds of change. I am lost, found and floating all at one time. I feel yesterday/today/tomorrow all at once. And I continue to be lived.... being pierced each moment by an indescribable pain and longing, a bittersweet love.<br />
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Every idea of who I should be or where I should be in my life stab at me mercilessly. A numbness takes over. Its familiar. Its been here since I was so young. Although I am 50, it feels sometimes like it is yesterday. Or like it never was at all. It feels like in a snap who knows what life will now bring to me. The only mantra of ultimate peace for me is :<br />
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I love my two beautiful sons. I am blessed to be a mother.<br />
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They are the only ones who have all of me. And they too shall fly away. Ill keep the nest warm, God willing that I have one. I do the best I can wishing I could do even more. Is this just the same existential dilemma we all fall into? I wonder....<br />
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I must say that I am at odds with the fact that nothing is certain. I have fought this battle, always losing. I long for security and the promise "of happily ever after" from the fairy tales. But how can there be in anything....... except in moments. It just all comes back to moments. One by one and with the truth in which we allow them.<br />
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I don't remember a time in my lifetime that the world felt like this. IT feels we are all individually and collectively getting are asses kicked. That we are being shaken so that all the dead falls off of us, and it is harder to rid oneself of beliefs of lineages than leaves.<br />
<br />
I found a few gardenia bushes sort hidden, or taking refuge from the 100 degree temps we hit in my front yard. I have been cleaning them off, watering them regularly and they are ready to have multiple buds blossom. Something about this is profound.<br />
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But i digress<br />
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-42937552459885839262014-12-26T07:50:00.000-08:002014-12-26T07:50:13.152-08:00Random ramblings, unedited, from over a year ago........Write....he said.....so, write.....I shall.<br />
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It is hot outside. Swelteringly hot. Summer has come in full force to our little valley home. Upwards of 100. Feeling each time I step outside as if I am being baked like a loaf of bread. Feeling almost larger. Crustier. Complete. Ready to slather w butter and dip into some soup.<br />
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Yet non of these things describe the past few weeks of my life. I like and need to share. It soothes my soul. And whatever I am going through, I am ok. I promise you that. But my God, it has been quite a few weeks.<br />
<br />
I notice the ebbs and flows of my well-being and wonder how they all exist together in one person. Then I am reminded that I am not just this one little person that I think I am. That I am so much more. AndI have the ability to embody it all. Yes....yes I do.<br />
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I have almost no skin it feels like. Everything just goes in. I sometimes am not even sure what it is that is happening. I feel on the verge of dying. And then I remember that I asked for this. That I prayed to be a changed woman. To grow and to learn truly. This is not easy. This is not fun or full of much grace. This is a crawling on a rocky, unpaved road as my hands and knees bleed profusely. As my heart aches. As I feel too many things and am certain I will die.<br />
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The mind is a crazy place to live. It is revealed too many times to count that it in its innocence is not my friend. It is relentless in its nature to destroy me. To do whatever it can to makes things get worse and worse.It does not matter where I go or what I do, it does not stop. It seems it is engaged in a full out war with me. And yet, who is the "me" I speak of.<br />
<br />
There are multiple "me's" living inside of me. Many voices. Many beings. I believe this is a sort normal state of being for most people. They all present themselves as the "I" and yet make me , this me, go a little crazy. If I indulge in this at all, I am on a deep downward spiral. Then comes self-medicating as I am certain I cannot escape the self-inflicted attack. I raise my white surrender flag to no avail. It just keeps on going.<br />
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I know so much intellectually and yet so little that can really help me negotiate these waters of Armageddon that we find ourselves in the midst of. Like the hugest storm we are all being beaten and battered to the point of not even being able to be recognized. Maybe as much as it hurts though, its a good thing. I would love to be unrecognizable emotional;ly as the person I was yesterday.<br />
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I did a lot of work, asked for some help, maybe some huge proclamations and then got my asses kicked from here to kingdom come. What did I expect really? I want these changes and than feel fightened as old pieces of me begin to die. It is the be careful what you ask for, isn't it???<br />
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Change for me is something I have never dealt with well. Too much as a child. It is something I am needing to change my relationship to. I need to change my relationship to change.... Life IS change. Everything changes. Only all the time. Again, intellectual understandings....yes......but the reality....is that there comes a panic over me that feels suffocating and all consuming. In these moments, nobody and nothing can help me.<br />
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I used to think they only happened when I was away from my children, wrong. Or that they only happen at night, wrong. Or that they only happen when I am dealing with something that is a big deal, wrong. What I do not know could fill many libraies.<br />
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I can even be excited about something, ecstatic even and one will creep in and destroy that as well.. And I listen. I must confuse this voice with the quiet one. I believe the nonsense it says. The drama it creates. The problems it starts. The lies it tells. The relationships it ruins. My mistake is to listen.<br />
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People speak of just see these thoughts as passersby. This works at times and not at all at others. We are all so complex. There is no magic pill....I know, I have searched for one for yrs. The magic pill is process. ANd in a society that hides the truth how can one walk through the madness of the world right now being honest, vulnerable and open.<br />
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A book I read speaks of the spiritual warrior as always having a sort of bittersweet place inside of him. A sort of loneliness. A sort of mourning that is also sweet tasting. I know this place well. But I always thought it was a place to try to escape from. Now I believe that I will learn to accept and coexist with it. That this is a place of truth. This is a place where it ALL is already allowed and accepted. I am the one deciding it should look different. And that is the pain. Some of it anyway.<br />
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On a lesser scale, I remember I used to be even more obsessive than I am now about having the house clean. And one day I said to myself: What if I am just one of those people with a house that is not very clean. What would that be like. It seems like a small and insignificant thing but it changed something inside of me deeply.<br />
<br />
It is like I was given permission (albeit my OWN) to just not be so neurotic about having everything so clean. It was like a huge freedom. And all I did was to change the way I thought about something..... This does not mean that I now live in squalor. But I am not a slave to these thoughts that would have me on the hampster wheel 24/7 if they could.<br />
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I have no control over anything in my life. I am coming to see this more and more everyday. Nothing. Zero. Sorry honey, I know it is still upsetting. IT is the ultimate lie when we think that we are in control. ANything can happen at any moment and usually does disrupt all my little well thought out plans. Not that it is an unsympathetic universe or anything. But unpredictable, yes!!!! Out of my little bs control, absolutely!!!!<br />
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As I write these words I literally feel a bit sick to my stomach. I wonder why...... It evokes this and a sense of wanting to sleep, to hide, to run. To lay down and be taken care of by someone other than myself. It evokes a hot flash. A palpable fear. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach right now. If I don't take care of things....who will?????<br />
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I am in a free fall..... I have no idea what is gonna happen in the next months and years of my life. I thought they were certain. I was wrong. Always wrong. And still alone. At 48 yet with still so much work to do on myself, it seems. I get tired of looking at other peoples lives assuming they must be better than mine. It is not good to lose sight of the immense blessings and abundance that we all have in some ways in our lives.<br />
<br />
"If you get and you quarrel everyday. You're sayin' prayers, to the devil I say.."<br />
Bob Marley<br />
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There are times when isolating is needed. I am in the midst of this.<br />
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-68360667515445542762014-12-26T07:47:00.001-08:002014-12-26T07:47:52.784-08:00Notes to self...It is Christmas day, 12:18 pacific standard time. I sit alone in my living room. Which is 'living ' in full bloom at the moment. The fireplace is blazing a real wood fire and the sweet scent of our Douglas Fir Christmas tree permeates the air. And is enhanced my the warmth of the crackling fire. Stockings are hanging and beautiful blinking lights like twinkling stars are everywhere.<br />
<br />
Its times like this I miss a proper winter with the snow. The pull towards relaxing, reflecting and hibernating appeals to me so. It has been a long and difficult year. I am grateful for the gifts that presently appear to be happening in the future. And in the present.<br />
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I am grateful for the way my perspective seems to be transitioning. Not easy to put into words. But I knew I needed to write....its been SO long, too long. Then it occurred to me, I was not going to write. IT was gonna write me. This feels so much more free when I remember it is not "me", "I", the ego, the mind, whatever. But I am simply the vehicle.<br />
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It Is a life force flowing through. And my job is to be self aware enough to get OUT of the way as the flow of this magical life takes me perfectly where I need to go. OR be. Which is always WHERE I AM. Like it or not, wherever we are is perfect.<br />
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We all feel more seemingly alive in the drama of all this suffering but approaching 50, on Feb 1.....I for one and exhausted. I want to truly learn to extract the true joy of the moment. The closet I come is in moments with my Myles,21. And with Christian, 7. Children are truly, I say time and time again, the beauty of the world.<br />
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The innocence and intimacy and pure deep love and respect (which is essential) that I have had the gift of experiencing with my two sons, has-is-and continues to be unparalleled. I feel safe to give them everything, all of me....it is a strange thing.<br />
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I want to be writing more often..........xxxooo<br />
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-47726624180467444852013-06-02T07:59:00.002-07:002013-06-02T16:29:34.451-07:00MasksLife is a strange and beautiful dream. When I remember this, I have peace. When I look around and am grateful for things and people, see them with love instead of fear and hate, I have peace. Even the things that make perfect sense to fear and hate. When I simply embrace them too.....I am free. This is who I am and who I work to be. This is my quest.<br />
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No state is sustainable. Every thing and every moment is transient. This is a huge challenge for me. If you don't like change, in a world that constantly changes, its gonna be a bumpy ride. I try to free fall into it all. Realizing I don't have any control, nor did I ever. </div>
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Too much change and instability as a child planted these seeds in the soil of the personality this life. Now as an adult I work to pull these weeds from my garden. Sometimes I am able, other times I still need to work at it. I see the announcement of a deep seeded issue when I have a big reaction to someone or something. The bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. So life points the path out to me and all of us in this way. </div>
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Yet, most choose to not see it. They choose instead to blame those close them. Unable to truly know and see themselves, unable or unwilling to identify and drop the mask of their incomplete self. Its almost as if they hold on as tight as they can to an image they created of who they need to be in the world. No matter how deep this lie goes. </div>
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It is like we go through life with our ego in the driver's seat. And it rips little pieces of other peoples personalities, external wealth or fame, way of seemingly being in the world. Like ripping pictures from a magazine. I want these eyes, this kind of nose, these lips. I want these clothes to cover this type of body. Imagine what that picture looks like. And abstract, mishmash of nothingness. Certainly not real. Just an imaginary person. That is the person one wants to walk through life as ?????? Not me. </div>
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I was talking to a friend of mine awhile back. He shared that I was emotionally immature. He had the grace of sharing a lot as we are similar but we laughed about it all. I realized he was right. I am emotionally immature. The paradox was that as I saw this and admitted it for the first time to myself and then to others.....THAT was a big step towards emotional maturity. This is the trippy and paradoxical way the world works. I love it.</div>
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I am a walking contradiction. An eternal paradox. What can be true for me in one moment can change entirely in the next. I am just an ever-changing human in this way. I allow it. And sometimes I judge it. Am confused by it. So what is wrong with being confused. When I used to tell my dear Roy London.....I don't know!!!! His reply was always....Oh good!!!! Now we can begin.</div>
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I have been so blessed in my life for many years to have had wonderful teachers come in. To show me the way. Even when I did not learn what they spoke of until years later. I stilled learned it. I learn everyday and am grateful for that. I feel them and I hear them and I know they are and will always be with me. Life is a beautiful dream. Our loved ones never really leave us. </div>
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It saddens me how many masked people I encounter everyday. Even many close to me. I choose to not wear this mask. I choose to explore and embrace all aspects of myself. Even those that some would say are ugly or horrific. I choose to live a whole life. And that may be lived alone as so many choose to hide and cower form truth. Even their own blessed one. </div>
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When one does not live that way they are judged and condemned by some. They are blamed and considered a loose cannon. A cannon that blows to shreds untruths that it encounters. And so it is. This is my path. Even when I am not right, which is often. I am always right in revealing, allowing and sharing MY truth. </div>
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"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are really princesses just waiting to see us just once be beautiful and courageous. Perhaps everything terrible is, in its deepest being, something helpless that seeks our help."</div>
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Rainer Marie Rilke</div>
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Within this shadow, this part we hide from, is great beauty and treasure beyond belief. To hide from ourselves is a dangerous game. It is to live half of a life. It is to never truly know oneself. It is the "not to be" of "To be or not to be." It is a tragedy. I choose to be.....</div>
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There are no chosen people as I hear some religions say. We are ALL chosen. We are all the same. No matter what you do, where you live, how much money you have or make. We are all in the same boat dealing with the same stuff. </div>
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I pray you begin the journey of removing your mask so as to live a more complete and glorious life. It is not easy but nothing worthwhile is. And like everything, it is as difficult as we make it. </div>
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Live to Love.....yourself first.....xxxoooo</div>
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Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com44tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-37589084853493773242013-05-16T11:30:00.000-07:002013-05-16T11:35:45.813-07:00Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me....and I'm feeling good......I am learning. I am growing. I am grateful. I am seeing I don't need as much as I sometimes like to have. I am caring more about others and what I put out into the world. I am loving myself more. Everyday. I am now doing TM. Because David Lynch aka DKL has yet again extended his hand to me and changed my life. He is an angel in my life. I suggest all people have a daily practice to go inside as the outside world is a bit crazy these days.<br />
<br />
There are days when I feel as though I can barley move. The energy is so strong. Things are going on that we cannot even know or process on a intellectual level. The only peace of mind is to know that it is not personal to you. It is happening to all living creatures on this planet. Things are righting themselves, I believe. Getting balanced and put into the correct order.<br />
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Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. This is what I keep verifying in my life. It never comes on my timetable and it never looks like I think it should but shit happens. And I am forever grateful. For me there is no hell as in a place where you go when you sin as my Catholic upbringing would have me believe.<br />
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To me hell is living here with no awareness that we are ALL loved and cherished. That every hair on our head is counted. That we are protected and carried. Only always, in all ways. This does not mean we will not experience suffering. We will. Birthing a child is the best gift one can receive but a woman does not do this without experiencing a depth of pain that is beyond word. Especially if you do it naturally as I did with my first born.<br />
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We run from this pain in various ways. But wherever we run, there we are. We actually make it worse that way. Let it be. Let the pain go all the way through you and it will pass . And make room to have a deeper love and a deeper joy. The places where pain carves into us makes room to feel deeper positive things.<br />
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And always remember, this is just a dream. A beautiful dream. I know sometimes it feels like a nightmare. But that is usually when we fight and decide that things should look or be different. When we lack acceptance. When we look outside for someone or something to fill us.<br />
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A wise man said wash a cup and be present and you are awake. Find the sublime in the seeming mundane. Perception is everything. Stop blaming your childhood, your teacher, your spouse, your friends....even yourself. Become a warrior. A gentle warrior.<br />
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Yes, it s razors edge. So what. There is no better way to spend your time than getting real with yourself and all those around you. Let all the masks fall. Make it your goal to be authentic in all of your encounters. This is a key to freedom. To joy. To all these beautiful things that are literally your birthright. This is how the powers that be intended us all to live. We just got it wrong. Made some mistakes. But it is a new day. Rejoice. Make a different choice. Right now.<br />
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There are many wonderful books and sources for us to support ourselves as we change. As we rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I am reading a few books but the one that is really resonating with me and helping on so many levels I will share.<br />
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Shambhala: The sacred path of the warrior by, Chogyam Trungpa<br />
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Life changer. Game changer. Jump on board. Haven't you suffered enough. I know I have. And I know I will again. But as I grow I deal with it all different. I allow it. I try to not run from it and when I do, I catch myself and turn to face whatever it is that needs my attention and intention.<br />
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Its a new dawn. Its a new day. Its a new life for me......and I'm feeling good......<br />
Nina Simone<br />
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-5338992943860956012013-05-08T14:18:00.001-07:002013-05-08T14:18:40.831-07:00OHHHHH I am in a funking FUNK Written, April 28, 2013I am in a funk. Funk's suck. That is a fact. In ones life we all will encounter many, many funks. Too many to count really. This particular funk came a few days ago, but had been hovering for the past week. Even as I was still on the beautiful island of Contardora, the funk- she hovered. Now she sits on me in full force. I am left feeling pinned to the floor, face in the muck....unable to move....<br />
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She is a miss-mash of a lot of different issues. Emotional ones, things still needing to process, old baggage as usual, worry for the future, lack of trust in the presence, smoking a little pot again. shit..... It seems as if everything has come crashing down. When I have been on a seeming high for the past month. Since D split up with me, starting TM, have had many synchronistic things occurring, maybe I have been too in your face honest.<br />
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Must be vigilant during this time, these observations not to use this stuff as a bat to beat myself down again.<br />
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I don't know where this line is. Being too honest, too blunt, too egotistically knowing I am right when I usually am not. It has been about a month and a half since my 6 1/2 year relationship ended. This is good. Bad. And very, very difficult. They come in waves. These feelings. Huge amounts of joy and freedom and honesty w myself. Then crashing about with such a strong tide I can barely catch my breathe. Total fear. Anxiety on top my fear. Utter fear of what am I gonna do?<br />
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As my Christian was home yesterday very sick, pale with the deepest red purple cheeks and lips. So warm and as still as night. He lay on the couch in the bed we made. And watched all his old shows on Sprout. Ones he watched when he was about 2. This too was not a good time for me and my relationship w D. IT all came rushing back.<br />
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That time for me was one of the most difficult of my life, the dark night of the soul. I had hoped for no more of those nights. But they come, the emptiness etched so deeply it aches. The sobbing so deep it has no sound, only a shuddering and shaking of the jaw. Open, open, open....gently tapping my heart as Robert had done.<br />
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"You'll put anymore holes in her over my dead body." A clear threat. It stopped. But there is always more to be accountable for. More refining to do. More cleaning of the mirror. I am not ever alone because my shadow, the creature is with me. Pink sparkling nails on a keyboard in what was D's office, now is mine and soon will become whatever the next occupant deems it to be.<br />
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I am scared. The funk brings with it a whole lot of fearful gunk. I am doing what I can. I am rewriting my second children's book at my dear friends encouragement. I see from D's astute observations and knowledge of me that I have been trying to rush through what is always a process and changes and evolves all the time. There is an essential need to truly adapt to these changes and evolvement. I have always hated change perceiving it as an unsafe place. And so I walk through the world like this most of the time.<br />
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I have loved raising Christian the past 5 years, yes even through the dark nights he was always with me. As was much as much as his 6 yrs would allow him to be. But the baby and I walked through it together. I have loved being away from the business. I have loved the normal life. I have felt pretty safe and taken care of by someone else for the first time in my life. After working since I was 17 and raising my Myles alone it felt so good to me. To my heart. Just mothering, watching bad tv, cooking and caring. And seeing my Myles more as well. For a long stretch. Seventh grade to graduation. I love this.<br />
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I am forever grateful........<br />
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I also love the two virtual strangers came together so quickly and we meant to walk through so many blessings together especially that of bringing in Christian James. That we have grown so much together. That we still love each other deeply. Making a pledge of true friendship as they raise the boy together separately.<br />
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It surely doesn't help that the world is crazy with full moons and all these eclipses. "Its just all gone pear shaped. ' As my Momma on Rude Awakenings used to say. Beloved Lynn Redgrave. RIP.Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-14357194411371395692013-03-26T07:38:00.000-07:002013-03-26T07:51:59.528-07:00Just a spoonful of sugar....Its a beautiful morning and gonna be a beautiful day. I have begun to learn TM this week. March 24 is the first day of the rest of my life. It is changing my life in every way. DKL gifted it to me as I could not afford the amount one must pay to learn these sacred teachings. He had been talking about it since I first met him but somehow this last time we had a cup of joe was the time it finally went in.<br />
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It started to work on me from the moment I said yes to him. Maybe before, actually. Within 9 days of our coffee date I had the most beautiful and intense dream with the teacher Maharishi. HE came to me in a dream. I did not know at the time it was him until I met the woman instructing me. She said things in the dream showed her clearly it was him. She had studied with him. Lynn is my sister in every sense. We even sort of look alike. As she explained to me the first day what TM is and what it does......I knew I was home. Finally. After SO many years of searching and searching, I now have my daily practice and I know I will never stop.<br />
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I always knew I needed a daily practice but until the student is ready, the teacher does not appear. But appear he did and she did. She was in my dream as well. As a sister. She was teaching me sacred dances. Which at the time I had not begun but was going to the following week with Sheryl Lee. My dear friend. A pure soul.<br />
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It has literally been shocking the synchronicity that has been happening in my life. I pray little prayers most of the day. Being so grateful. I have been through so much in the past few years. Painted to be a demon by some. They were just projecting their demons onto me. I see it now. I now know better. I now see how I can unintentionally and sometimes intentionally threaten people. And they in their blindness blame me for their inadequacies. Or I am the only one screaming that the emperor is naked and they should wake the hell up!!! And some are just flat out CRAZY. But God bless them. I don't have to try to fix them, be blamed by them or deal with them at all. I am free. I am liberated. And completely protected.<br />
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In all honesty they were all gifts. Because they reflected back to me the places within myself where I hated myself. Where I did not see myself. Where I was lying to myself. So for that I am grateful. What I know now is that it was all necessary. Every single situation, event, all of it was all necessary. I regret nothing. I am so grateful that it is a new day. I got bruised and battered but bruises heal. And now,I have flown away towards the light.<br />
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I am dancing, singing and playing in the light. I am blessed. I am loved. I am in ecstatic bliss. Yesterday I read that my dear friend suggested for this full moon we create a mandala. Split into four groups and put colors, images and or words that fit. I had cut out words months ago for a vision board with my then relationship that never happened. As I made this mandala, imagine my UTTER SHOCK as each word save one fit perfectly into this mandala. Another miracle. It is as if there has always been a plan .I just did not know it.<br />
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In closing, have a beautiful day. Find your own perfect path from the signs life gives you. Life IS the supreme guru. Listen to what it tells you. With eyes to see and ears to hear, yo too will fly as I am. For I am not special...we all are.<br />
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Love and Light<br />
xxxooooSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-9078250116166214422013-03-23T17:24:00.001-07:002013-03-23T18:12:45.761-07:00It's never like the first love....I was just a girl from Michigan. I had only been here in Cali for a few years. I had loved people, yes but I had not ever been in love. Feeling all those things that people write and sing about. Maybe I never even really knew what love was. Its not as if I felt incredibly loved as a child. Or even seen for that matter. Yet that was about to change.<br />
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The first time I remember meeting this man was at Tommy Tangs. I had seen pictures because we were all at the same agency struggling as young wanna be actors. But we had never met. It was a casual dinner that I showed up to with CP. He was such a sweet soul. RIP. He was good to me and I knew he loved me and I loved him but I was not in love with him. So we went and to be honest I cannot even remember who else was there with the exception of this beautiful young man.<br />
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He wore faded blue jeans, beat up black high top converse, an old white t shirt with vintage vest over it. He sat right next to me, to my left. And I saw a tattoo peeking out on his right upper arm. It was a Cherokee indian chief head with ceremonial feather head dress. I touched it....electricity.....I told him I liked it. I asked why that for his tattoo. He shared that he was three quarters Cherokee. I remember his kind hearted, deep brown eyes. His almost feminine, beauty of a face. How he was not like everyone else, he was himself. Original. Funny. Smart. Sexy. A bit shy. Who knew in a short amount of time he would become MY tattooed love boy.<br />
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I remember the next time we saw each other. I was leaving my audition for an AFI film called Dummies. Directed by the wonderful Laurie Frank. She is fond of saying,"There's casting and there's DIVINE casting." I can still remember walking up the street in west LA. with all the cool houses built in the 30's. As I left my reading I saw sweet JD was walking towards me. His hair a lovely mess, super cool sunglasses and I felt that kind heart that I met once before. Mine skipped a beat. I simply got giddy around this man. Like my soul had been searching for him for a long long time. I simply said hi and scurried along.<br />
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Memories are not always easy to come by so things may have occurred in between what I share but this is what I remember. We got cast. Both of us!!!! As did the darling Max Perlich who bare witness to our love story and became our adopted son. Max was 16, JD was 21 and I was 19. We all met for a read through at Laurie's house, the same we had auditioned at. My name was spelled wrong on a call sheet. It said Sherilyn Fur. I forever became Fur to this sweetheart. Then Fur fucker. Terms of endearment are so personal. And oddly beautiful.<br />
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There was an odd older man doing props, I think. And he went under the table and put a grape in between my toes. A drama for me as I have an awful memory of being in second grade and a boy named Danny went under our 6 desks put together and kissed my knees!!!!! His face is scribbled out in the Elmwood school picture. But my reaction was big and JD helped. It was then I learned that he had a sort of foot fetish and he loved my goofy fat feet. It took the sting out of the weird moment and a nickname was earned to boot.<br />
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JD was in a relationship that had ended he felt. Other details are not mine to share. But suffice to say it was not the real first love situation that we both admittedly were in the process of falling into. We spent many long hrs on the set filming. Into the wee hrs of the morning. We talked incessantly about...well...everything. Became so close the energy was palpable. Maxie there the whole time playing, watching, getting in trouble, just being Max, our son.<br />
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At some point JD came to visit me at my home I shared with my mother and my big brother Leo. Our dogs had just had puppies, maybe that was the excuse. Or it was the big old black Lab that I found and was keeping until I found her a home. I named her Lady, JD named her Bug. Go figure. As I said, an original he was. And is.<br />
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He came into my room that was downstairs in a tri level house. We talked and talked as usual. Hung out with the animals. He loved animals as I do. Then at a certain point it was time for him to leave as much as I longed for him to never leave. As we left my room, he grabbed me, pushed me against the wall, said ,"This never happened" and kissed me.......it was lovely. The deal was sealed. No turning back now. But what did he mean?????????<br />
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In retrospect I think it meant, this is just between us....for now. As he was still finishing cleaning up another situation. For me, I knew when he left that I had fallen helplessly in love. This is what it feels like. OMG!!!!!! I felt wonderful. I danced. I pranced. I sang out loud. Then, scary and honest fact is that the second emotion I felt pretty quickly after that recognition was utter fear. Fear that it would go away. Fear that it would change. Fear that he maybe did not feel the same way. It was an emotional roller coaster.<br />
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I had never seen love or relationships work in my lifetime. Ever. Maybe Grandpa and Grandma, but she seemed miserable. That was not what I wanted. But I went on the ride. Willingly. Gladly. Ecstatically. This man was good to me. We had a lot of fun. A few nights while they were setting up shots, we would walk around in the cold with the street lights humming planning our future. We were gonna live in Europe because its more artistic there. We both had long, vintage overcoats with our arms wrapped tightly around each other.<br />
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We would sit in my little cream Corvette talking while Maxie skate boarded around the car threatening to smash into to it. We yelled at him like good parents but really we couldn't of cared less. We had each other and it was new love. And it was a beautiful thing. Even spent a few nights at Max's because we shot some scenes there. Staying up late, climbing trees, "bogging the dax" as JD would say. And were awakened in the morning to walls shaking with the heavy bass of Brick House. It was idyllic.<br />
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This is all I choose to share. Inspired by recent fb posts by friends. I am thankful to have been taken back. Good night...xxxooo<br />
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-16038110353271252322013-03-17T13:15:00.001-07:002013-03-17T19:01:42.984-07:00This goat is alive and well!!!!!Good day....and I can say honestly and much to the dismay of my haters, who by the by....WHY do you come to my page?????? Go Away!!!!!! I can honestly say that I am in this moment inspired and happy.<br />
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So....... I don't know about you but my life is turning itself inside out. And this is a good thing. I have left those difficult years that were basically the dark night of my soul. Where I was in so much pain and confusion. I had to see all the things about myself that I could not see . And not that I have reached my final destination or that I have no more growing to do...until I take my last breath I will learn and grow. But maybe I am just no longer fighting life. Beginning to live my life in the consciousness of possibility. Not taking all this immense change that the world and universe is growing through personally. Really seeing it as the whole evolving. And I am just a little, minuscule part of it.</div>
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It is really a beautiful thing. This new perspective is life changing. I have wanted and prayed for this</div>
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and these prayers are finally being answered. NOT because I am special, but because it was and is a consistent and heartfelt desire. We all have our time to get our asses kicked. The degree to which they get kicked is directly connected to the degree to which we run, hide and don't listen to the constant signs life gives us. The degree to which we desperately cling to what we know. Seeming security. Sleep walk our way through life self-obsessed , self-absorbed, a victim, a martyr, whatever role you cast yourself in. And make no mistake, you are the one that wrote, produced, cast and now are directing your way through. Your little movie, your little story. How sweet it is to move away from all of that. </div>
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Everyone I know is walking through their own version of this. I believe we are all alive right now in this time while the planet is getting healed because we chose to be. And we are being healed , as well. We are in the process of deeply releasing the past. Our personal past, our lineages and the collective planets past. Birthing on any level is never easy. But it also need not be as hard as we make it with our ego in the drivers seat dictating the" how "of it all. The" how" is NOT what to focus on. It is the "WHAT" that is important." How" works itself out through spirit perfectly well without our interference. We don't tell our eyes how to see, or our bodies how to digest. They all inherently know how to do these things. </div>
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This is true in acting as well. I was taught by my beloved Roy London ( I will always talk about him and yes have pics of him still in my home) to focus on "what" I am doing. "What" am I looking at in my life right now. "What" is up for me that is unresolved. When I honestly know that, then "how" just comes out in its own unique and original way. I am not presenting something I already know when I live in the "what." I am learning as I have not the fatal flaw of cowardice (taught by another amazing teacher of mine Robert Lorenz) to be filmed discovering it myself. Then we all grow together and get our own personal interpretation of it. Like when a dear friend shares a personal story and it sparks a realization in us. This too is how I live my life, focusing on the what.</div>
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A quick break to cook lunch for my two young princes, my Myles Maximillian and my Christian James. Half a tuna sandwich for myself...all is well.....lol.....</div>
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I believe and it has been my direct life experience that we cannot change that about ourselves which we cannot or choose to not see. The blame game is the most damaging thing to participate in. I did it for years and years and unfortunately sometimes still accidentally dabble in it. Most of my growth came when I just stopped it altogether and took my laser like analysis of others and did the surgery on myself. Surgery is still in process, until my last breath. Because that is the only thing that is my business. That and the guidance and love of my children. But even with my oldest I am needing to loosen up as he is now 19 and it is his time to learn things for himself. My 5 yr old on the other and is still completely my beloved and treasured responsibility.</div>
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My relationship with the father of my 5 yr old ended in its current form about 1 month ago. It was not my choice. It is not easy. But after a week of attacks, I surrendered because what I call my quiet voice told me to, and all is well. again that does not mean there are not moments of intense fear, sadness and pain. Its just that we are better as really good friends. We had become cell mates , as opposed to soul mates, holding each other prisoner to the lies of our childhoods. No matter how we tried we could not escape it. So our relationship in that form had to die. And in a week, a fucking week (i pat myself on the back!!!!!!) I managed to change my tone completely. We are at peace. We are doing what is best for the baby boy. And ourselves. We are honoring our time together. I will always love him and have a place for him and with him in my heart and life. I have learned so much from him and from our years together. We will always be closely in contact. And it is a gift. He also gave to me the second best gift of my entire life, my Christian James. The first gift is my Myles Maximillian. I am blessed with two beautiful creatures. I thank God everyday.</div>
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The dealing of this situation was nothing less than a miracle. I wish I could say his family supported the </div>
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peace but I cannot. And I am happy to no longer give a damn about what any of them say or think of any of it. I was the token scape goat there for too long. Now I am free. I recently read the origins of the word scapegoat. In ancient tribes, villagers would sacrifice a goat by killing it for all their sins. So they, in their ignorance, thought killing the goat meant then all their sins died with it. Until they did other bad things and killed more goats. Well this goat is alive and well. And even thriving!!!!!! yyyiiipppeeeeeee !</div>
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My Robert used to call it the "identifiable problem." He said families would come in and say so and so is doing this and that...they are bad...etc. Not being able to see that they were the problem or what THEY were doing. So I wonder who they will blame now that I am gone...oh wait....WHO CARES!!!!!!!!</div>
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The quiet voice never leads me astray. It told me to sit down and write today. It finished 2 children's books and a NY lit agent says with a little nurturing they can be published. It told me to surrender and let go of all the anger around my ex. It shares much more than I can share here. I will say that it is not the loud crazy voices of my head. It exists in my belly. It is attached to a calm and peaceful feeling. </div>
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I must listen for it. It is usually the first voice I hear and often times goes against all my plans and ideas.</div>
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Q. Do you know how to make God laugh?</div>
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A. Tell him all your plans. </div>
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So I shall close for now. Saying a heartfelt thanks to those of you who send me comments and support this little share, diary, blog thing. I am happy if it brings even one person something positive. Life is really meant to be a joyous experience and I believe now....finally..... that literally the world is evolving in that direction. I hope I get to see it that way in my lifetime. If its meant to be but I am ok if there is another plan.....I trust. I free fall into the loving arms of the universe. And so it is......</div>
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Love and Light....</div>
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P.S. I will be writing at least weekly installments from now on. Comments and questions are welcome and appreciated.</div>
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P.S.S. Thank God for spell check!!!!!!</div>
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Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-72220904214173100872012-09-25T09:43:00.001-07:002012-09-25T09:43:42.175-07:00The Way....<br />
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Do you feel it? Do you feel the pressure on being turned a diamond out of the dense coal you were born? Is it just me........ Of course it is not as we are all one. One connected body, being and source. Even when it appears that we are all separate, we are not. This is my belief anyway.</div>
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Can I say it hurts ? These growing pains. This constant struggle to bust out of the cocoon. This lack of patience with my ow needed personal growth. Just wanting all the old patterns, childhood stories of pain, certainty that I am nothing ....just wanting it to all go away. It takes the time it takes. And maybe it never really all goes away. It remains a part of the tapestry that is me in this life.</div>
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There are good days and bad days, this I know. Yet make the mistake of childishly overexaulting the good and then inevitably descending to the depths of hell as it all goes pear shaped. This is a ride I am exhausted of. How does one live this life and stay in the middle of the wheel as the Buddhists put it. I do not know.</div>
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I have come a long way on my path. A long way. And yet it seems at times I have so much farther to go. Moments of incredible certainty, slammed against days of utter uncertainty. The pendulum swings back and forth. With less space covered as in the past. But swing it does with me STILL holding on for dear life.</div>
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Holding on, hoping, praying, crying, pleading for a dear life. A dearer one. A kinder one. For me and </div>
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all these around me that I love. Sometimes its here, other times too far to touch. When it is more than likely always here and it is I that stray. It is I that sabotages it. It is I that fears things being "too good."</div>
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No more of this blame game. This is not easy. It takes so much vigilance on my part. I often assume (my first mistake, assuming) it is about someone else. When it is only a mirror. Someone wise said the bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. I am happy that I just remembered that. It resonates with me.<br />
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Sometimes something big and ugly must occur to shake me out of my illusion. It is not a kind and gentle path. I seek kinder, gentler ways to grow. Yet it is not and has never been up to me. Even that is a kind of free fall. My ego hates that idea, my soul rejoices in it. </div>
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"If you are irritated by the rub, how will your mirror ever be polished." Rumi<br />
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I sit here between the rooms. In the hallway. One door has closed and the window has yet to be opened. Shall I do as I heard someone say? When you are here, put up some new wallpaper. And see that the window is opening. Slowly as is the process of all growth.<br />
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The anger still resides in me. It is a palpable rage that can and has destroyed many things. It dips so deep that it connects to a collective rage that it frightens even me. My own children have looked at me with fear in their eyes. One need not hit as I never do to evoke this, but we can hit with looks, with connections to that anger that fire off onto an innocent bystanders. It is nothing to be proud. It is weakness.<br />
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I am embarrassed by these feelings that are part of me. I want them to go away but they do not. I can only chip away, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day and do the best I can. I have apologized too many times to count. I need it to end. Or to be transformed. I pray many days for help. Some things have to be walked through. Hurt as they may.<br />
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None is so blind as he who will not see. I am seeing much these days. It ain't pretty, but it is pretty freeing. It is a path towards a different life. A healthier life. A happier life. And a more peaceful life. I see more flaws or cracks in myself than I have ever in the past. I am working to meet them with compassion and love.<br />
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It hurts..............a lot............ When I watched a butterfly emerge from a cocoon there was something startling. A sort of red blood came out of it. I touched it and it stained my finger red. The cocoon would shake and shake, then be still for it bit while it rested and built up it strength for the next round. Like the contractions for birthing a baby.<br />
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Maybe this is necessary. Maybe it would be too hard on the nervous system to experience it all at once. For ANY living creature on the planet. I am in the midst of this. I just don't know if I am at the beginning, in the the middle or nearing the end. Neither does the butterfly nor the birthing mother. It is natural state anyway.<br />
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SO I guess it requires yet another leap of faith. A jump into the void. A free fall with trust that God will take care of it in the best way. In the only way. Like the Buddhists call it, and my man got a tattoo representing it.<br />
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The Way.<br />
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Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-90866744309676870792012-09-22T11:33:00.000-07:002012-09-22T11:33:13.643-07:00In the flaws is the perfectionGood morning Vietnam.....just kidding. It is an amazing time in the world I feel. It is time to keep having this creative sharing and outlet. I am not sure what this post is about but a voice, one of the many inside of me says its a good time to write. I must begin to write on a weekly basis.<br />
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I am excited to be working again as an actress, my former life. I am doing an arc (which means a few episodes) of the show Magic City on Starz. My dear friend Mitch Glazer is the writer and creator. His gorgeous wife and partner on almost 20 years Kelly Lynch is on the show as well. They have the kind of relationship I aspire to.<br />
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When I got the call I was ecstatic. I had in fact been praying that a good job would come my way. One with people I loved, I'd even settle for people that I liked, that was a good show. One that I just did a supporting role. I have no desire to carry a show anymore.<br />
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I also prayed that I'd be taken care of on a real set instead of the little jobs of the past few months. Ones where there was not even a space to be alone. Nothing. Sometimes I was reduced to bringing my own clothes and doing my own make up. Sitting in my car with AC blasting to have a private space. Ridiculous.<br />
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It takes a lot of the fun out of coming together with adept people in the business and creating something worthwhile. Ego driven people yelling on the set at crew, not feeding people properly, paying them almost nothing. An unwillingness to collaborate. Again, too much ego. That never makes for a good experience.<br />
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Having been away from a real set has humbled me so. Now to even have a little space to call my own to prepare, I am so grateful now. Having some turkey on a craft services table, thrilled. A first class airline ticket, what??? People to come together with and help me create a character. I forgot it could be like this.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the jobs that came and I got to pay some bills. It is just that without the other things in place, it is really difficult. It does not honor the creative process at all. I mean, not even a small space to be alone??? And makes me feel like I am just whoring....to get the money for my family. But as a dear friend said, whats wrong with whoring to help feed the family.<br />
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I have spent much of the past 5 years with my son Christian, getting him therapy for his autism. The business had reflected for years at that point my own rejection of myself so it was a welcome change. Now to go back into the business its been if-y for me .....until this job.<br />
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Magic City give the scripts weeks ahead of time so I can properly prepare. They even got me the entire 1st season so that I would know the tone of the show and assist my entry into this magical world. They made me a dress. Put extensions in my hair to be correct for the era. My cup runneth over.<br />
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I told Mitch that he has pulled me out of the proverbial trash can this town put me in. I , now having more accountability realize as I said earlier. Everything is a mirror and I put myself there. With old, untrue beliefs from my childhood. Things that are finally dying. More specifics in a future blog.<br />
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I am grateful for all that has come and gone in my life. Everything. Oddly..... I feel I learned most from the negative and ugly things. As they showed me parts of myself that somewhere deep inside I still was afraid might be true. That these things will always be a part of the tapestry of who I am is another thing I now accept. In this acceptance there is so much freedom.<br />
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Speaking of whores......my character is based upon a famous Madam from the 40's-50's, Madame Sherri. I read her book. She called herself the Queen of Whoredom, so I have adopted it as my own nickname. Pleasure is my business she would say. IT was also the name of her book.<br />
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This is the opportunity for me to have a sort of healing. As with most roles I have played, they seem to always parallel my life. To play a woman of ill repute. A woman who is protective of the innocence she exploits. That in my career I did bring people pleasure. An ownership of my lineage. A healing.<br />
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I pray she, Madam Renee or Lady Renee as they call her in Magic City will be layered and people will like her and love her. But if they don't I don't really care because I DO. Maybe for the first time in my 47 years on the planet. I finally can say I DO. TO me and only to me. I finally understand that I am all I ever really wanted. The real me.<br />
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And I am perfect just as I am.......<br />
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<br />Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-23091621040880185902012-04-15T14:10:00.003-07:002012-05-06T07:43:56.339-07:00Momma had a baby and her head popped off !!!!!22831 SUNNYSIDE ST. CLAIR SHORES, MI.<br />
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This was one of my childhood addresses. Actually the only one I can remember. I can still see the large modern, bubble white numbers going down the front of the house. Boldly announcing its presence as if wonderful things were happening inside. Maybe my step-father had those dreams when he put the numbers up. He would end up heartbroken like the rest of us.<br />
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Now one would think with a name like Sunnyside, it would filled with less than bright days, joyous events and perfection. This was not the case. Most of my childhood was a series of upheavals , moving and moving from one place to another. My mother got married many times so in addition to the moves, there was a revolving door of "fathers" that would come and go. With sparse visits from my birth father as he embarked on his own multiple marriages.<br />
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Strange.... I recently met a woman from Michigan and her parents had been married multiple times as well.They were also the same generation as my parents. Of the late 1950's ushering out a sort of innocence and in a rebellion. We were the casualties.<br />
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I must say though..... even with much despair, there still lived many magical moments. As is the case with childhood. It is the duality of life. We cannot have the good without the bad it seems. Don't blame me. Have to talk to God about that one........<br />
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I lived here on Sunnyside from 1st grade through 5th grade. Ages 6 to about 11, if my math is correct. Although not perfect, this was the most idyllic time in my childhood before lies and deceit blew the illusion of this familial sand castle away.<br />
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It was the early 70's and orange was a powerful color that reigned supreme from interior design to the clothes we wore. Our house was filled with it. Along with plastic mirrored walls and plastic parsons tables everywhere. That was quite a long stretch for orange. I remember it lasting well into the 6th and 7th grade. Awful to wear unless you are a woman of color. Especially on me as I was as pasty as they came.<br />
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It is strange what you remember as a child. Some have no memories at all. Too painful, they block them out. Like a woman does with the pain of birthing her baby. A veil just silently and gently falls over the painful memories. Like the first snow signifying fall turning to winter. It is as white as a clean piece of paper. Silent. Dense in its colorlessness. Yet ripe with potential of truth to emerge. Or delusional stories born of a deep seated denial. What once helped them to survive, now prevents them to thrive.<br />
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Never wanting to become the queen of denial , I continue my daily work of pulling the pieces of me back together and attempting a sort of integration necessary after the disintegration of my particular childhood. Part of my way is to remember.....to re-member with my little self. Sherri. Spelled S-H-E-R-R-I. I was instructed very clear of this specific spelling by my rarely present father in a bowling alley once as my brothers and I put own names on the board above our heads. It made me feel special. The crumbs of knowing he and my mother had actually discussed the how of my name being spelled. Little, yes, but I took what I could get.<br />
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This morning on Facebook I read a post from a girl I knew during this period of time. She reminded me she had the figure 8 pool. And that she too is a loud Michigan girl. I long to connect with her and remember her better. I am pretty sure I do. Hard to forget those coveted families that could actually afford a pool. I also believe she and I had some great times listening to Elton John at his finest. Bennie and the jjjjjeeettssss!!!!<br />
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As an actress one must explore the darker parts of one's personality. DKL taught me that well. Not to be afraid to shine a light into the dark recesses of my mind, my memories, and so I have. If you are at all close to me, you will be subjected to a similar scrutiny. I apologize in advance. I was always exploring this way as a child and the perfect career found me to continue this exploration. I believe as I have quoted too many times to count.<br />
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An unexamined life is not worth living.<br />
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Some of what I have found in getting my masters doing this deep, personal and worthy excavating my old treasures, has been my own personal stuff from this life. Some is literally thousands of years old passed through a lineage that for all intents and purposes I really know nothing about. Not on a conscience level anyway. I trust what I need to know will be revealed.<br />
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I watched a documentary yesterday about an ancient cave that had recently been discovered. With were these beautiful, pristine images drawn on its walls. So much sparkly crystallization everywhere. When people crystallize in their dead beliefs it is not nearly as beautiful. There were many animal bones, no human ones. It was clear the humans did not live here but came to do art. There was also foot prints of mainly animals.<br />
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One in particular stuck in my mind. It was that of an 8 year old boys footprint with a wolfs print next to it. It begged the question........ Did the wolf follow the boy into the cave as prey? Did the two walk side by side as friends? Or was one print made at one point in time and the other at a later date?<br />
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I choose to believe they walked side by side as friends like in the book, The Old Turtle. A favorite book that I used to read to Myles as a child. I need a new one to share with my Christian as well. Wonderful book. It speaks of a time when all living creatures spoke the same language.<br />
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My path is not to masturbate with the pain of the past. It is to no longer deny it. To discover, uncover and recover. To pull all of me back together and not live life as a fragmented, sad and self-medicating person.My medication of choice is wine. It could be worse. Where to some this type of work is scary, to me this is sacred work that sets me free. I no longer which to be held emotionally hostage by my past. This is what works for me. My truth.<br />
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I was granted a beautiful memory during my morning prayers a few days ago. A piece of me I had forgotten. Another piece of the puzzle. I remembered when it would rain on Sunnyside. I have always loved the rain. Still do. As a child it always signaled to me its time to get on some warm clothes and go play!!!!! I would try to flood the streets by putting newspaper all over the drains in the street. Praying for the entire width of the street to become a rushing river , not only on the sides of the slightly curved road.<br />
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I would jump in a boat, ride the river and go to where the wild things are.......<br />
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As this memory filled me up, I sat and prayed. It poured outside almost violently but I could feel little Sherri's excitement. I could feel the memories of being bundled up with the strings of the hood pulled tight to cover my crazy sensitive ears. And feel the rain gently sprinkling on my face. Free.... as a child .... without a stitch of make up........as a woman it mattered not how wet I got. Free of a care of what "they" might think. Dancing around. Jumping in and out of puddles.<br />
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As I write I cannot help but smile. A bittersweet smile. The wonderful memory........ Along with a sort of wonder as to where all that joy went. I sometimes now feel it difficult to really have fun. I seek to rediscover that joy, that pleasure. I know I am on my way to finding this joy again. I am firmly on my path. Thanks to God. And some very special people in my life.<br />
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It may not seem like much but it was a huge piece of myself to reclaim. To give this part of me voice. A voice that was shut down by fearful adults. They did the best they could, this I know. I blame less and less but my reintegration is essential to coming out of this self-imposed chrysalis state. I long to become a fully formed butterfly. Not the deformed one of the past. I say that with love and compassion for myself. I was deformed and misinformed. But it is a new day.<br />
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My step father on Sunnyside was a saint in my eyes. The best father I had. A very young man who took on an older woman and her 3 children. There were many good times with him. Kenny Moore. I will always have a special place for him in my heart. He was kind and good to me and my brothers. Showed up as our own blood father did not have the ability to. I love him always. More about him later.....<br />
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This is a sort of serial blog about Sunnyside. I will be a process of un-peeling layer upon layer. A needed purging for me. I will keep names out of this to protect some that choose to not explore these things as I do. They are allowed theirs and I mine. It is time.<br />
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I hope this may serve to help others to unlock the doors on their powerful and personal experiences as children and no longer keep them hidden away. Or less, to take them on an honest young person's journey in this complicated world during a time that was more innocent. And in a place 22831 Sunnyside, St. Clair Shores, Michigan that simple and innocent as well.<br />
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To be continued........Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-33999565110771134042012-04-08T14:48:00.002-07:002012-04-09T12:30:26.842-07:00A non- pleasure seeking change......It is Easter Sunday 2012. I was brought up as a Catholic girl in Michigan. Not to the extent that my mother was... in an Italian family, going to a Catholic school, being smacked on her knuckles for writing a note of whatever. Even walking with stones in her shoes as penance, which was her own personal interpretation of it as she felt she was in love with Jesus. Through her schooling, this is the way she came up with to show that love.<br />
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My grandmother, her mother, did most of the raising of my brothers and I in our formative years. I was with her from about 3 yrs old until about 7 years old . And she was a praticing Catholic. "Going to church to pray for all you sinners." She'd tell anyone who was listening. Going to church once a week, at least... I used to have to go with her, of course. It all just scared me. The typical things; Poor Jesus on the cross with the thorny wreath upon his bloodied head. How quiet you had to be inside the church itself as if everything you said was bad and God himself would strike you down if you uttered a word.<br />
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I hated going to mass too. The preacher bored and scared me all at once. Shouting his empty words. I'd look at my Grandma, she was enthralled. Me, not so much. Just counting the minutes to get out and possibly go shopping at JCPenney or hit Saunders for an ice cream float. It was so difficult for me to<br />
sit there quiet in church and not wiggle around. I was always a chatter box. My second father called me "fidget box bouey." And used to hold me tightly in his arms and say "contest." Which meant I was supposed to sit there still.....say nothing..........ahhhhhhhhh. It never lasted too long. Seconds maybe.<br />
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We from Michigan have a tendency to talk sort of loud. I was the type of child who not only takes really loud but also who had no filter. I said whatever I saw out loud, much to the dismay of my family. I spoke to the emperor being butt ass naked, to the proverbial pink elephant in the room and a specific memory about the old lady at Lord and Taylor who had her lipstick well above and below her actual lip line. Something that has oddly become a normality in Hollywood. With a few injections to boot. But my Grandma got very angry when I made my observation loud enough for the saleslady with the overdrawn lips to hear. <br />
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My Grandma, ever gracious and dishonest shoved me away. As we left she said that maybe the woman did not KNOW her lipstick was well over her lip line in a clown like fashion. I thought, all the more reason to tell her. Maybe she lost cosmetic sales as a result of her lips. Its like when someone has food on their tooth. And nobody tells them. As if there is something inherently wrong with just alerting them to the green thing on their tooth. Don't you WANT someone to tell you when that happens? They why don't you tell someone when you see it. We feel a weird SHAME about telling them. Boy are we ass backwards. Or maybe its just me.<br />
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As you might expect, I got a lot of negative feedback as a result of speaking my truth. Then and now. How embarrassing I was told I was. I felt the same about their inability to just be honest and truth be told, people sometimes only seem to hear it when I sort of blast it out ...... after failed attempts to keep my mouth shut. At times something bigger than me sends out the words that I swear I won't utter.<br />
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This is my path and so it is my work to keep refining my tools or lack thereof where communication is concerned. Hence my desire to make this a special few holy days. Combined with the old Catholic tapes that do not die easily. It was a long way around but this is how I spent the Easter holiday.<br />
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My dear friend Joanie explained to me what each of the days mean according to Catholicism. Whether is is the greatest story ever told, or sold concerns me not. I knew for me for some reason, it meant more this year than it had in the past. And I was determined to experience it on a different level that I have in the past. And I did.<br />
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It is important to note that over the many years I have lived, my relationship to God and what I believe in has changed drastically. I no longer believe as I did as a child that he is well, a "he" necessarily to begin with But it is easier out of habit to call him that. Nor that he is watching and frowning upon my every move. And since I grew up with pictures of Jesus at my Grandmas, I take comfort in his images. Even as a child because he was after all, same as me. A child of God and maybe was afraid of God as well. So I saw him like one of my big brothers.<br />
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I have come to feel that hell is living on this earth with out the image of God being completely loving and accepting. Of all I do. That when I pass in this life I will return back to source. And that all of us will. Even those who are judged and condemned as being horrible people committing horrible acts. That is the God I have experienced to be the truest. Please don't send debating letters to me about this. Truth has many faces and this is my space and my sharing. It is simply not up for debate. And I apologize in advance if somehow my truth threatens yours. "It is just simply mine. Some like the color red, some purple. P.S. I hate red.........with the exception of a good retro shade of lipstick.<br />
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So Holy Thursday is the day-night os the last supper. Where Jesus was betrayed but one in his group. I looked in my life at who I had felt betrayed by. Sad to admit that I was at the top of my list. A long list it was. There were a few others, my birth family, the business, my man but really the main focus was on me.<br />
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I looked at it. I wrote about it. I explored the lies I had told myself about things. The various acts of betrayal I perpetrated . I just tried to sit with it. Not so easy or comfortable at all.<br />
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The next day consisted of Jesus carrying the cross on his back through town. Being mocked by some, helped by others. then being nailed to the cross and crucified. Who has not in their life felt crucified on one level or another. Between 12-3pm, I was told it is a quiet time of contemplation. To eat no meat, only fish. I was told these were the last 3 hrs before Jesus died. Again, please no responses as to the "facts" being mis-stated here lest you miss the point entirely.<br />
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I contemplated what I wanted in myself to die. My list looked like this:<br />
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Death to my ego.<br />
Death to my rage.<br />
Death too my lack of self-worth.<br />
Death to my inability to have real pleasure.<br />
Death to my hiding.<br />
Death to lies created and spoken about me from others in their attempt to hide their lies.<br />
Death to my childhood.<br />
Death to my accounts against people.<br />
Death to my judgements.<br />
Death to bludgeoning people with my truth.<br />
Death to emasculating men.<br />
Death to the lack of acceptance of me and my beauty.<br />
Death to my "old career."<br />
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Verbatim, that is what I wrote.<br />
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I had both my boys on this day's 3 hour quest with me. No technology at all. A nice pasta meal together at a restaurant. And even a stop at a local church to say a little prayer. I tried to not shhhh my little one too much, which was a challenge. He loved it in there and how everything echoed and whispered SO loud for all to hear. Maybe it is not just a Michigan thing after all. Once in the car he continued his loud whisper for the next hour.....<br />
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As the Gods have a sense of humor, the end of my 3 hours had me in a confrontation with a young and immature manager of the Italian restaurant. I had accidentally left my shawl there and it could not be found anywhere. I was treated so rudely when I frequent this place regularly. I was not sure how to handle it. It was a "what would Jesus do" moment. He was after all dying on the cross in those moments in my mind's eye. And all I could think about was my old green shawl with FREEDOM written across the back.<br />
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I remembered a story of a time someone stole some stuff from Jesus and his followers in the night, and that some were very angry. But Jesus said something like: Shouldn't we find them and see if there is anything else they need. Well, I was not that holy and feeling shame about it as well by this point. I had lost my temper now with my teenager who was practicing driving with me with his permit. All on and during the most "holy" moments of this experience.<br />
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I talked to our beautiful, wisdom-filled Isabele who watches my youngest and assists my oldest with his Spanish lessons. I knew she would know what was right work in this situation. She promptly told me to go back, find a manger and explain the situation before it was too late and the shift changes. And so I did.<br />
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I was met by the young, rude manager who obviously places little to no respect on his returning costumers. I calmly explained again what had occurred. We went back and forth, he raised his voice. And then a busboy reached under the booth and behind it and pulled out my shawl. The silly man did not get the point at all. He had simply lost the plot and a good paying family to boot.<br />
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My mind raced for the next few hours replaying the scenario. Repeating things I said that I thought were particularly poignant. And frankly, it was just a waste of valuable energy. But I had my FREEDOM. To speak my truth. To choose to never go back. And maybe to buffer a little of the deeper intensity that was stirring inside of me as a result of my self-imposed personal experience of these days.<br />
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The full moon didn't help........the point of this is that sometimes it is the best laid plans. Things happen. And the hardest part was my resistance to it happening in my "holy time." As if it is only holy if it looks a certain way. How ridiculous. Compartmentalizing events like that. I should know better. It is through flow not rigidity. It is not what happens to us that cause us the most pain. It is the STORY we tell about it.<br />
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Saturday is supposed to be a kind of mourning. A bittersweet time because Jesus is no longer suffering. But he is also dead and free. But killed in such a horrific way. The yin and the yang of it all. My day reflected this as well. I had two extreme situations. The first was a long overdue lunch with a beautiful sister-wife of mine. Where we deeply connected, shared truths, experienced what mirrors we are for each other and planted seeds for a real friendship that can benefit both of us loners.<br />
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The next occurred after dinner in the form of a conversation- confrontation with a friend that I literally knew from age 6 to about 10yrs old. She was one of my best friends as a kid and we reconnected through Facebook. This turned into a very difficult talk as we are quite different in every way now. It is sad but true. I am not saying I am better. I am not special, we all are. Simply it ,became glaringly clear that this was not someone with who I had things in common with anymore. And I took time away from coloring eggs with my family.<br />
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I was trying to help her because she was having a situation with her husband. I extended a hand. But Ain't nobody saving anybody here. When things become unpleasant I have learned but forgot in this instance, I need to remove myself from those situations. Not feel I am the sacrificial lamb going to the slaughter. It is quite a razor's edge to walk. To know when something is becoming toxic and gracefully bow out.<br />
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It was extreme examples. I am thankful for them. The first what I do want. The other, what I do not want. This does not mean that I don't love her and wish her the absolute best. It simply means she is on a different path. And I need people like minded around me now. I also need to not think I need to fix anyone. Because I cannot. I struggle daily with dealing-fixing me.<br />
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This morning. Day break. Jesus has risen. Gone. Free. Freedom. Magic. Beauty. Tears of gratitude. Many candles lit all over my home. TO me it means we rise above it all. We are changed. By owning our stuff completely and fully.<br />
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Of course there still is so much more work to do. And I shall. Until I take my last breathe. I shall seek. And actually, oddly, in a weird way.....pleasure seeking.<br />
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Again, this is not a lesson in theology. This is my way of interpreting these days that are holy for me to a personal level.Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-10846083661103123192012-03-07T09:26:00.001-08:002012-03-07T22:15:08.172-08:00Thank God I am a dragon.It seems it is all this separation that keeps us in pain. Jailed spirits in a cell of our own making. You, me...Him, her......THEY....... Countries, states, cities, school districts, families, houses, properties.....will it ever stop??? When the hell will we all get all this is but a dream. A dream mirror. What you hate in someone else IS you. Also what you love. Although the hate seems easier to accept.<br />
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How can we love ourselves. isn't that self-centered??? What is wrong with being centered within yourself??????? E. Tolle.<br />
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Then there is the man, woman. Male, female thing. This seems one of the biggest. I was introduced in therapy at one point to the concept of " male or female prejudice." I knew it was there but never heard it put into those words Which one do I have? . I began to try to see where mine sat. I realized that I have a little (or a lot) of both. I feel it is directly related to which parent one felt more fucked over by. And even that perception can be immensely distorted. In my case, it is both so I find it hard to trust either one. But I work on it daily.<br />
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When a man sits there and gives the unoriginal, typical, bigoted "women are crazy" comments......my skin crawls. Or the "she must be on her period." Or in ANY rape case, even the military situations in the news right now..."she wanted it." It is a very scared and scarred man that does this. Born of the womb of your MOTHER. IT makes me sick. It says more of this baby-man than anything else. gooogoooogaaagaaa. I rage.<br />
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Then I take a breath and feel pity. I am consciously working on not being a victim to my anger anymore. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes, not so much. But at least I look at it and actively work on it.<br />
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A man that does not see the goodness of a woman OR a woman who does not see the goodness of a man are just immature people who have not dealt with their own personal issues around their family and their life as a whole. And all that judgement turns into them and condemns them to their cell. How can it be anything else. It is a kind of sick and tangled prejudice that is insidious. It informs all their relationships, including ones with their own blood, their children. It is a kind of undiagnosed cancer.<br />
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These thoughts even if they go unexpressed are so dangerous. Truth can be FELT. It need not even be uttered, tune in and you'll FEEL it. I sort walk through my life this way. I feel my way through. I trust what I feel so much more than what people say. With an exception, sometimes one can learn much from the off the cuff comments. More so than the big, grandiose statements motivated by a self-serving agendas of one kind or another.<br />
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I actually feel sorry for men with all the bullshit that society lays on them. I used to buy a lot of it as a young, single woman until I became a mother of 2 boys. Then I realized it was all untrue. It was just what they had been taught. My boys feel as much as ANY woman. We need to teach them that this is a gift. And allow them to have a safe place to SHARE it. If as mothers we can do that with our boys, they may have a chance.<br />
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They will always mirror what they see and learn from their parents. What did you see????? How do they live in you???? If you don't see-feel it, you are blind.<br />
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"Mother......Father....... You always are WRESTLING inside of me....." Tree of Life....... How this film slayed me. Reignited my belief in modern films. Some people say they don't understand it....... Just feel what you feel during it. It is NOT about an intellectual understanding. None of the best things are about intellectual understanding. Its about opening the heart. And allowing....<br />
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"Oh, honey, you think you vulnerability is a weakness. You haven't yet realized it is your strength." My beloved teacher, the late Roy London. His pic still hangs above my desk. How I miss him. Yet, how he is alive inside of me.<br />
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To me the new renaissance man is like my son Myles, although the world threatens to fuck with him too.<br />
These young men are wise, kind and compassionate. Unafraid to show their feelings. They share with their friends their feelings. And listen to what others say, want and need.<br />
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Someone once tried to put women into a category to my beautiful son Myles. He came to me.... by the grace of God he often does and shared what he thought.<br />
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Women do this and that.... are craze etc.... female prejudice perspective...he was told but NOT sold. He said- I don't believe that Mom. I don't think men and women are SO different. Its ridiculous. I have more close female friends than male. Those ideas are just not what I experience in the world so I reject them. I don't listen to this person.<br />
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How proud am I. At least some of what I tried to show him stuck. Not only about women but also about WHO he is allowed to be in the world. What is his birth right. To be a more OPEN and unafraid man. One who does not view women as the enemy. To realize those thoughts are the enemy.<br />
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A dear friend of mine used to say the only way we can help initiate a change is to raise boys into a different kind of man. That has been my work. And I have been SO far from perfect. But some of my seeds did and continue to grow. And for that I thank God.<br />
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I am proud of both my sons. Myles Maximillion is a treasure of a 18 yr old. With a heart of pure gold. And Christian James is well on his way. Now I continue to chip away at my own sometimes distorted male and female prejudices. I know in my heart that the masses are asleep to a lot of this. But I prefer to swim against that tide of bigotry and utter sleep. I want a future unlike the past. So I work in the present to SEE ME CLEARLY> and share with you when the spirit moves.<br />
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I pray with your help and prayers that the spirits keeps moving me as it did to write this. It blasted out of me in about 10 to 15 minutes.<br />
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Love and Light........Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-4627039538844652572011-12-02T08:47:00.000-08:002011-12-02T08:47:11.164-08:00Run, run as fast as you can..........It is early morning, a little after 8am. Both the children and the man have left. Peace...... Until the gardener arrives blasting outside his blower and echoing through my house. It seems whatever room I go into, they are right outside encroaching upon my this space. As I run from them.<br />
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I realize how these sounds are mirroring the madness of my mind and my thoughts of the past 2 days. Relentless. Horribly critical. Condemning. As I run from room to room, I start to laugh between my tears of utter frustration. I am trapped here. I am trapped in my mind. It is the perfect illustration of what is happening inside.<br />
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It seems Rachel and Vicky are here and they WILL be heard. I am bruised and beaten. <br />
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God, when I can see the mirror of it all. It does not make it change or hurt less....but I did laugh. And I got outside of myself for a moment and it looked like a cartoon. Me running around, crazy chichi's barking viciously, the old Lab Leon as well, the sound getting louder and louder and louder.........<br />
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The craziness of following the wild trips the mind endlessly takes me on. Without doing anything deeply creative and therapeutic it all gets locked inside of me and turns in on itself. The gift of many years of acting was exploring all my shit. And there is a lot to explore. Discover. Uncover. Recover. This process does not stop until one takes their last breath.<br />
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I want to unfold. For where I am filed, there I am a lie. Rilke<br />
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The world is so big and yet it is so small. I judge myself deeply to the core. I don't need your assistance. Thank you. This is a shallow dive back into expressing through the word. Without a plan or destination in mind. Just a sharing. Love and LightSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-81486512436167034932011-06-28T16:07:00.000-07:002011-06-29T18:38:48.723-07:00"I just want to be a woman...." I said quietly......This statement I uttered to myself a few years ago after making love with my man when he went to the bathroom....I just want to be a woman...... It has forever stuck with me as to what did I really mean by it. As I get older and my life allows me to become more and more of that woman, the knowledge deepens inside. It takes root and is beginning to grow a beautiful tree based more on truth than any I have ever lived in my life.<br />
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I never as a young person had any desire whatsoever to be in the public eye as many have. In fact, too much attention on me was paralyzing. I had modest aspirations...a hair dresser, a stewardess as they were called then, or the token "marine biologist" that all kids think they what to be at one time or another. <br />
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I remember being in a play as a very young girl, maybe 7 or 8 yrs old. It, to date, remains the only play I have ever been in. Charlotte's Web. No, I did not go up for the lead as my best friend did. I had no desire to actually BE in the play although I adored the book. I think I was assigned a mandatory role and that frightened me beyond belief. <br />
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I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was a cat who purred one little line. Only a few words which I cannot remember now. My favorite part was putting the costume together and having my face painted with whiskers. I loved to dress up, what girl doesn't. This is still a fall back costume when I am lazy on Halloween. Clip on two ears, paint a nose and whiskers, throw on a leopard jacket and voila....a cat costume. Either that or curlers with pajamas to which my Myles yells...that's what you always wear!!!!<br />
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I remember the awkwardness of my tail being stapled to the behind of my leotard. The auditorium, the seats, all the people. That familiar feeling to this day of "performing" where my heart is beating out of my chest. As it gets closer and closer to the moment when all I had to do was utter a short line starting with a ppuurrrring sound. <br />
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Well, I got through it, crouched on all fours as a cat with my back intentionally to the audience and half hidden under a table. The same table that show cased my dear friend in all her Charlotte glory. Ppppuuurrrr..... Thank God, I got the line out....<br />
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But I was told that I spoke so quietly that nobody even heard my line. Sad but true. Yet, not surprising to the deepest part of me. Show business was not in my blood, it was my destiny for a time but not something I chose. I am often fond of saying, it chose me.<br />
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What did it mean to utter and feel the lightness of just wanting to be a woman after a beautiful connection with my man. I still digest this and shall continue to. But now ....I feel it showed how for so many years of my life I have been a man in a woman's body. This is a problem I feel most women have living in this society.<br />
<br />
A stay at home mother is almost a dirty statement. Like the scene in one of my fav films Terms of Endearment. Debra Winger is visiting her friend in L.A. (aka city of LOST ANGELS) and when she tells a group of woman she does not work and stays with her children they look at her as if she is sick. It is brilliant. The entire film is.<br />
<br />
Women are not allowed to be just women anymore. In terms that are now seen as old fashioned. And it is to those who have the desire to be just a woman, I speak. The expectations are so high, so cruel, so not as it was intended to be. What about where the woman creates a nest and stays and cares for her babies while her hunter husband collects the food. Caveman, yes. But essential truths, that too.<br />
<br />
I also understand that this is not appealing to many women. Some want the career and all. That is fine too. The many faces of truth. But here I only share mine. And my experience of having had a full time career and now being basically a stay at home mother. What a rude awakening it has all been.<br />
<br />
How much judgement I too used to have for those who stayed at home. Not realizing how much work there is to do. How much more selfless an act it is. How perfectly beautiful to see each and every "first" of your baby. To know them so intimately. My baby has not left my or his fathers side for the entire 3.8yrs of his life. Even in the hospital, he was never without one or both of us at his side. I take great pride in that. It has been MY pleasure and the gift that my man has given me and our baby. It is admirable and immeasurable in its magnitude as far as I am concerned.<br />
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I used to bask in the phrase "single mother". I filled that role as best as I could. While juggling a consuming and self-indulgent career. At the expense of my sweet first born Myles Maximillian having a real mother. He had a mother-father-career person in me. I regret that for him and often tell him. And am thankful that for the past 4 years I have been a permanent fixture in his ascend into adulthood. At times, to his dismay....hehehe....but not really. <br />
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All that really drew me into acting beyond the vain ideas of a 19yr old was what my dear teacher, mentor and friend Roy London said:<br />
<br />
Like you know that awful childhood you had, this is a place to look at it, share and heal. And that I need to have a more important reason to be there than to "get the jobs. That this work was to ahve the courage exploring things about yourself WHILE you are being filmed, not once you think you have it figured out. To seek, stumble, fall, be lost and found in the next moment...right there on film. And that if<br />
i did not lie.....the camera would not either........<br />
<br />
He said so many things but that will be an entire blog or chapter in my book. The man changed my life and still occupies much space in my heart...and photos on the walls of my home though he passed almost 17 yrs ago.<br />
<br />
These words and more all struck chords deep & powerful in my soul. He made it appealing in an incredibly challenging way. Not just about being painted and trying to be sexy, as most young ingenues are pushed to do. But to go deep and illuminate your own humanness and your own unique struggle and that would then touch others truths in themselves. God willing. So grateful that such a powerful mission could be placed into my hands. Just some goofy girl from Michigan.<br />
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There is also the fact that most of us actors have a deep need to be loved. Well really...who doesn't... But that combined with an arrested development. We usually come from great dysfunction and abuse of one or many forms. Not to feel sorry for us.....it most likely is in 90 o/o of people's life experience. It is only to illustrate how that can add fuel to the "get famous" fire. A fire that no amount of fame can put out. <br />
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But for me.... in the process.... I lost a lot of myself. Or maybe, its not that I lost myself, it's that it did not allow me discover myself in an organic way as all of these "stories" were put onto me to tell. My choice.....no pity party....I am grateful and thankful for my opportunities and memories but this is a look back at it all with different eyes.<br />
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I can share that even now I have moments of losing it after having been a "working woman" for SO many years, feel lost, listen to the dogma..... But those moments are far outweighed by deep joy in the seeming mundane. Yesterday seeing my baby boy truly learning to swim for the first time. Hearing his words increase daily. Having given so much time, effort and fight to get his autistic needs met through the state. <br />
<br />
Therapy with Christian James 5 days a week, reading book after book to get his needs met. Fighting sometimes with the Daddy as I am left to give the quick version and he feels like I am correcting him. And I am but only because I have the luxury of being in all the sessions and reading the books that his hunter, provider man allows us, his family, the family I always dreamed of. <br />
<br />
So in those moments when I feel like I should be providing more financially, I remind myself that there are more ways than monetarily to give to a family. And I do so in abundance. Getting back more than anything my career gave me. Real love, a permanence, the joy of knowing I had a direct hand in their life's and the people they are becoming. Things that I cannot even put words to.....best put....my cup runneth over.<br />
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And just being a woman...well, it seems I am one now. One that does not try to me a man too. As my man fills that role to completion. I never dreamt of acting, I dreamt of a stable family and children to love and raise. A man to love, be my best friend and grow old with. This attention is all I have ever really wanted and needed. <br />
<br />
So although it does continue to grow and evolve and has its inherent ups and downs.... I am now....just...a...woman.......Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-14108623617458672622011-05-30T09:44:00.000-07:002011-06-02T08:42:04.241-07:00To tweet or not to tweet......It is strange to see others being or to be directly attacked online. Any kind of attack is horrible enough. But online is a special kind of ugly as the person hides behind fake names. Some people seem to have nothing better to do with their evenings after work or on their weekends than to wage these blind wars on people they either do not know at all, maybe thought they knew many, many moons ago or think they know because I had a life in the public eye for almost 30 years.<br />
<br />
I have never presented myself here to be anything other than the flawed human being I am. Doing the best I can. And sometimes failing miserably, as we as people do.... It seems so strange...... if one hates me and thinks me such a vile human being that they still come to this space, MY space to see what I have to say. I personally stay away from things and people that revolt me. Like I rarely watch the news because it seems all lies designed to keep us all in fear. And do not promote relationships when people do not respect me or my loved or have boundary issues.<br />
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It is hard to imagine that anyone would have these feelings.... as I like the rest of the world have low self-esteem. So, no, no one cares that much about me or what I do or write...or could be obsessed???!!! Why??? Isn't life complicated and difficult enough without engaging in this shit. Swimming in this kind of verbal vomit??? It is for me anyway. And hating requires a lot of energy.<br />
<br />
On top of that, it is so destructive to one's own life and the people around them that they generate this kind of verbal warfare. I was always someone in my life who called things as I saw them. Even if I was wrong. I made a point of sharing MY truth. This is something that I still do. But I as I am older now I realize that it is just that, MY truth. Not THE truth. For as I am fond of sharing.....Truth has many faces.<br />
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And where for me it IS important and essential to share it still. It is equally if not more important to use kindness in my delivery. And to note when my perspective is not asked for or required at all. It comes for me from not feeling seen or being heard as a child. So as I grew into my 20's.... I would be heard. Yet aging teaches us, thank God and this is where I am with it now. But it is a constant work in progress.<br />
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I had left behind twitter for a bit of time because I was tired of the verbal assaults and endless harassment I received there. A place where I simply hoped to promote my book. And encountered for the most part some incredibly kind birds.... All and all, this experience has actually been a blessing. I have learned so much. I have had many surprising people and forces come to my aid as this kind of behavior is literally illegal. Not only on a karmic level, as everything you do comes back to you......... But did you know that EVERYTHING one does online is recorded??!!! Even if you erase it, there is a record of it. Any amount of erasing means nothing.....<br />
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IN this instance, I don't mind Big Brother...hahaha<br />
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My book will be out in the world. And I will not need twitter to promote it. It will be as honest and clear as I have always been here. My power and my voice will not be diminished through lies and venomous attacks of any kind. Many guardian angels are firmly in place, defending me. An interesting fact is that I find myself praying for people who commit these acts. Everyday. It must be hard to live with that ugly stuff inside. I, too, have dealt with great rage inside of myself at times. But I worked hard to get to its source not misdirect and project it onto others.<br />
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To keep my side of the street clean. This is what I work to do. And will continue.<br />
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So look inside when you read my shares.....decide from your own intuition what is real. This IS me, MY blog and the sharing of MY truth. So if you are at all interested THIS is the place to come. Thanks for all the support.<br />
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Love and Light....xxxoooxxxooo<br />
<br />
"THIS ABOVE ALL: TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, AND IT MUST FOLLOW, AS NIGHT THE DAY, THOU CANST NOT THEN BE FALSE TO ANY MAN."<br />
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HAMLETSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-76137164547230163382011-05-14T07:49:00.000-07:002011-05-14T16:25:29.667-07:00It's a new day......I cannot teach someone to be more emotionally open and sharing. I cannot make someone come out of their self imposed prison. As children we are put into these cells. Each bar is painfully built through every day of our lives and the ignorance and abuse of our parents and society. It grows and grows until the jail is complete. An ugly gray box where light really enters...... A ugly, cold place that we have been condemned to.<br />
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The lightness of childhood lost, all at once, one is in their teenage yrs. At this age they seek to break out but have no tools to do so. They search for everything from the outside...... So they go deeper spiraling to their demise. They are more self involved, too self involved . With a strange certainty that they know everything and everyone else is wrong. Bombarded by hormones makes it worse. They still live in their cell but paint it with delusions and lies in a spectrum of colors. But it is still just the same jail. They have learned nothing of how to get out.<br />
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Years pass, layers upon layers of cover are formed. You are dying to see light again. The true connected light that you saw and felt as a child while the cell was still in its beginning stages. You continue the search in all kinds of external places seeking to fill the wrong hole. Left feeling worse than when the journey began, finding nothing......<br />
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If one is lucky you start to break out. You look honestly at yourself and your life. You chip away at these bars beginning to have the courage to understand how they were built and by whom. Life assists you by kicking your ass when you stray too far from the truth. You work.... You become someone who as difficult as it is, someone upon who NOTHING is lost.<br />
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That means breaking out of the collective lies. Of your lies, of your family, of society as a whole. It is nothing less than a violent break out. You fight those bars, you wrestle them, you saw at them, and slowly one by one they come down. You need only remove a few to escape although you had to live through the torture of each single one being built. A few choice truths being brought to light, the core ones and you can be free.<br />
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Then you must share...... You must share your discoveries....... You must be open to your brothers and sisters of the planet. We all learn from one having the courage to actually share their truth. Not shamefully hide it away. That is living in the cell again after all. Hiding behind those masks. The days of all of that are done. Change of a magnitude unfathomable is happening now. Jump on board. You will be supported in a way you could never imagine. A multitude of ways......<br />
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But it takes intense commitment and courage. Many will be left behind on your journey. I have left many family members behind on mine. We will meet again someday in another place. But here they will not hold me back. I will and have moved out of my cell onto truer truths. I encourage you to do the same.<br />
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An unexamined life is not worth living. Break out of your cell.....<br />
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Love and Light....xxxoooSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-82116083451003597252011-04-25T10:36:00.000-07:002011-04-25T12:26:10.335-07:00silly, negative and sad people.This is a filtered blog to protect sherilyn from the random ugliness that comes in. She does not read your vomitous comments, I do and she never sees them so don't waste your time.<br />
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Your ugly comments say all I would never want to know about you......go away lost soul.....<br />
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God bless.....<br />
<br />
Signed,<br />
one of her many guardian angels<br />
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p.s. sorry to those who are friends of this space but someone tried to attack her...again.Sherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3191279039961200439.post-11797334295395604962011-04-04T10:28:00.000-07:002011-04-04T10:28:21.370-07:00To blog or not to blog.....Beloved Readers,<br />
<br />
I have gotten many inquiries as to why I have stopped writing. Out of thankfulness and respect to people that follow or just read my blog I am answering....<br />
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I am working on getting a book deal so that I can share these stories in a deeper and truer way. Much to the dismay of certain aunts in my family, there IS more to come. Here I have only scratched the surface.<br />
<br />
So for now, I will not be blogging. That could change in 5 minutes. I give myself the right to change my mind at any point. But for now I am gonna work on a deeper revision of "Who cares if my aunt is Suzi Quatro" and submit it to publishing houses. Not that she will be the center of my story because truly....who cares???!!!! But because it is one that touches deepest my soul, up until now.<br />
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I have been doing a lot of seeking and growing in my day to day life. Now I am ready to begin this, the deepest journey of my life to date.<br />
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Please say a prayer for me and light a candle. It scares me to do this work and yet it beckons and demands I do it all at the same.<br />
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Thank you for following. Thank you for reading. Whenever I come to your mind, please affirm:<br />
Sherilyn is in process with writing an incredible, deep and true book. It will be a bestseller.<br />
<br />
That energy coming to me will help the most.<br />
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I do not have the fatal flaw of cowardice. It's time......<br />
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All my love,<br />
sherriSherilyn Fennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13394254469164493976noreply@blogger.com29