As I come out of this contracted state, I look back and try to understand what prompted it. A lot has transpired in the past months and especially got heated up around my birthday in extremes. I am thankful that I had the sense to warn my mother that there would be a Quatro backlash because of my ' Who cares if my aunt is Suzi Quatro blog." My poor mom was blasted for it, directly and covertly. Ridiculous really, I am a 45 year old woman. If they felt something, they could say it to me. And would be met with my truth, that I can and will share whether they like it or not.
This is yet another theme in my life....people NOT addressing their issues with me to me. Even when my brothers get mad at me they rarely tell me. They just call my mother to tell her I am crazy or whatever. I am not really sure what that is about. Why don't people just deal directly and go to the source? Why do they all go and vomit all over my mother??? It is odd and I do not get it. Sorry Mom that you are somehow always in the line fire, taking bullets intended for me.
I am sure part of this recent Quatro reaction has to do with the fact that my aunts are in process with getting music they recorded a hundred years ago out into the public. That they do not want anything "negative" to be floating around. [ As if their attitudes and attacks are not] It all seems to me to be born of the same 'famous' virus that infects the family. It is all so ass backwards..... based on facade.
I have learned so much from doing this blog. Especially from the comments and responses to it. After years of hiding and trying to be pretty, smart, famous...... I have never been more seen, heard and accepted. As I expose all my warts as honestly as I can. What an amazing verification. And how it flies in the faces of all that other bullshit. It is a sad when ones life is built with a house of cards. I build mine now brick by brick. I fear not the big bad wolf anymore, my house is almost complete.
Yet, the old order will fight as it is doing. It will fight to not be exposed. To keep its mask firmly in place. To hide all its ugly parts that are more human than the ones they elevate to mythical proportions. To legends.....in their own minds. I am not this. Just a girl/woman from Michigan doing the best I can. Sometimes failing miserably, sometimes not.
I believe I have a fear of real power. Not the overpowering in your face one...I am adept at that. But real power based on love.... and in truth. I feel that I was growing a lot before the contraction and got scared on some level. That is why I retreated in to mans land. There was no man or woman or connection in this land. Just days melting into days, weeks into weeks.
I struggle with ways to take a little bit of the edge off. I have been sober at different times in my life but not right now. I like to drink wine. And sometimes smoke pot. But it seems to me that the tail is wagging the dog. It does not help that I have almost chronic back pain from my injury on the set last year but it would be lying to act as if that if the problem.
The problem is much bigger than that. I am not even completely clear WHAT the problem is. I want to spell it out clearly but I realize that I cannot. I suppose a part of it is that I feel things really deeply and it can serve to buffer that. That I do not trust life and get scared when I never know what tomorrow holds. That I try to do too much all the time and sometimes do not know how to unwind.
All of these sound good, reasonable..... But accurate? I don't really know. Then I wonder why do I feel I need a reason. I hold this false belief that when I understand something then I can get beyond it. I realize it may not always be the case. And yet I will still walk down that path at times. Its one of the ways that I lie to myself.
Maybe the beauty is so full and complete that I don't know how to accept it. That it is so foreign to my life experience I fear it will not last and so I put layers between myself and it to shield myself. From the inevitable let down when it all goes pear shaped. When it is all I really want. I am self sabotaging a blissful state of being, a life I have always dreamed of.
I suppose this is another nonsensical rant. It is my way back to writing. I sometimes do not know what to write..... But write I must for it does fill me in a way that nothing else can.
Sending love and light out to the world...