So....... I don't know about you but my life is turning itself inside out. And this is a good thing. I have left those difficult years that were basically the dark night of my soul. Where I was in so much pain and confusion. I had to see all the things about myself that I could not see . And not that I have reached my final destination or that I have no more growing to do...until I take my last breath I will learn and grow. But maybe I am just no longer fighting life. Beginning to live my life in the consciousness of possibility. Not taking all this immense change that the world and universe is growing through personally. Really seeing it as the whole evolving. And I am just a little, minuscule part of it.
It is really a beautiful thing. This new perspective is life changing. I have wanted and prayed for this
and these prayers are finally being answered. NOT because I am special, but because it was and is a consistent and heartfelt desire. We all have our time to get our asses kicked. The degree to which they get kicked is directly connected to the degree to which we run, hide and don't listen to the constant signs life gives us. The degree to which we desperately cling to what we know. Seeming security. Sleep walk our way through life self-obsessed , self-absorbed, a victim, a martyr, whatever role you cast yourself in. And make no mistake, you are the one that wrote, produced, cast and now are directing your way through. Your little movie, your little story. How sweet it is to move away from all of that.
Everyone I know is walking through their own version of this. I believe we are all alive right now in this time while the planet is getting healed because we chose to be. And we are being healed , as well. We are in the process of deeply releasing the past. Our personal past, our lineages and the collective planets past. Birthing on any level is never easy. But it also need not be as hard as we make it with our ego in the drivers seat dictating the" how "of it all. The" how" is NOT what to focus on. It is the "WHAT" that is important." How" works itself out through spirit perfectly well without our interference. We don't tell our eyes how to see, or our bodies how to digest. They all inherently know how to do these things.
This is true in acting as well. I was taught by my beloved Roy London ( I will always talk about him and yes have pics of him still in my home) to focus on "what" I am doing. "What" am I looking at in my life right now. "What" is up for me that is unresolved. When I honestly know that, then "how" just comes out in its own unique and original way. I am not presenting something I already know when I live in the "what." I am learning as I have not the fatal flaw of cowardice (taught by another amazing teacher of mine Robert Lorenz) to be filmed discovering it myself. Then we all grow together and get our own personal interpretation of it. Like when a dear friend shares a personal story and it sparks a realization in us. This too is how I live my life, focusing on the what.
A quick break to cook lunch for my two young princes, my Myles Maximillian and my Christian James. Half a tuna sandwich for myself...all is well.....lol.....
I believe and it has been my direct life experience that we cannot change that about ourselves which we cannot or choose to not see. The blame game is the most damaging thing to participate in. I did it for years and years and unfortunately sometimes still accidentally dabble in it. Most of my growth came when I just stopped it altogether and took my laser like analysis of others and did the surgery on myself. Surgery is still in process, until my last breath. Because that is the only thing that is my business. That and the guidance and love of my children. But even with my oldest I am needing to loosen up as he is now 19 and it is his time to learn things for himself. My 5 yr old on the other and is still completely my beloved and treasured responsibility.
My relationship with the father of my 5 yr old ended in its current form about 1 month ago. It was not my choice. It is not easy. But after a week of attacks, I surrendered because what I call my quiet voice told me to, and all is well. again that does not mean there are not moments of intense fear, sadness and pain. Its just that we are better as really good friends. We had become cell mates , as opposed to soul mates, holding each other prisoner to the lies of our childhoods. No matter how we tried we could not escape it. So our relationship in that form had to die. And in a week, a fucking week (i pat myself on the back!!!!!!) I managed to change my tone completely. We are at peace. We are doing what is best for the baby boy. And ourselves. We are honoring our time together. I will always love him and have a place for him and with him in my heart and life. I have learned so much from him and from our years together. We will always be closely in contact. And it is a gift. He also gave to me the second best gift of my entire life, my Christian James. The first gift is my Myles Maximillian. I am blessed with two beautiful creatures. I thank God everyday.
The dealing of this situation was nothing less than a miracle. I wish I could say his family supported the
peace but I cannot. And I am happy to no longer give a damn about what any of them say or think of any of it. I was the token scape goat there for too long. Now I am free. I recently read the origins of the word scapegoat. In ancient tribes, villagers would sacrifice a goat by killing it for all their sins. So they, in their ignorance, thought killing the goat meant then all their sins died with it. Until they did other bad things and killed more goats. Well this goat is alive and well. And even thriving!!!!!! yyyiiipppeeeeeee !
My Robert used to call it the "identifiable problem." He said families would come in and say so and so is doing this and that...they are bad...etc. Not being able to see that they were the problem or what THEY were doing. So I wonder who they will blame now that I am gone...oh wait....WHO CARES!!!!!!!!
The quiet voice never leads me astray. It told me to sit down and write today. It finished 2 children's books and a NY lit agent says with a little nurturing they can be published. It told me to surrender and let go of all the anger around my ex. It shares much more than I can share here. I will say that it is not the loud crazy voices of my head. It exists in my belly. It is attached to a calm and peaceful feeling.
I must listen for it. It is usually the first voice I hear and often times goes against all my plans and ideas.
Q. Do you know how to make God laugh?
A. Tell him all your plans.
So I shall close for now. Saying a heartfelt thanks to those of you who send me comments and support this little share, diary, blog thing. I am happy if it brings even one person something positive. Life is really meant to be a joyous experience and I believe now....finally..... that literally the world is evolving in that direction. I hope I get to see it that way in my lifetime. If its meant to be but I am ok if there is another plan.....I trust. I free fall into the loving arms of the universe. And so it is......
Love and Light....
P.S. I will be writing at least weekly installments from now on. Comments and questions are welcome and appreciated.
P.S.S. Thank God for spell check!!!!!!