Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Just a spoonful of sugar....

Its a beautiful morning and gonna be a beautiful day. I have begun to learn TM this week. March 24 is the first day of the rest of my life.  It is changing my life in every way. DKL gifted it to me as I could not afford the amount one must pay to learn these sacred teachings. He had been talking about it since I first met him but somehow this last time we had a cup of joe was the time it finally went in.

 It started to work on me from the moment I said yes to him. Maybe before, actually. Within 9 days of our coffee date I had the most beautiful and intense dream with the teacher  Maharishi. HE came to me in a dream. I did not know at the time it was him until I met the woman instructing me. She said things in the dream showed her clearly it was him. She had studied with him.  Lynn is my sister in every sense. We even sort of look alike. As she explained to me the first day what TM is and what it does......I knew I was home. Finally. After SO many years of searching and searching, I now have my daily practice and I know I will never stop.

I always knew I needed a daily practice but until the student is ready, the teacher does not appear. But appear he did and she did. She was in my dream as well. As a sister. She was teaching me sacred dances. Which at the time I had not begun but was going to the following week with Sheryl Lee. My dear friend. A pure soul.

It has literally been shocking the synchronicity that has been happening in my life.  I pray little prayers most of the day. Being so grateful. I have been through so much in the past few years. Painted to be a demon by some.  They were just projecting their demons onto me. I see it now. I now know better. I now see how I can unintentionally and sometimes intentionally threaten people. And they in their blindness blame me for their inadequacies. Or I am the only one screaming that the emperor is naked and they should wake the hell up!!!  And some are just flat out CRAZY. But God bless them. I don't have to try to fix them, be blamed by them or deal with them at all. I am free. I am liberated. And completely protected.

In all honesty they were all gifts. Because they reflected back to me the places within myself where I hated myself. Where I did not see myself. Where I was lying to myself. So for that I am grateful. What I know now is that it was all necessary. Every single situation, event, all of it was all necessary. I regret nothing.  I am so grateful that it is a new day. I got bruised and battered but bruises heal. And now,I have flown away towards the light.

I am dancing, singing and playing in the light. I am blessed. I am loved. I am in ecstatic bliss.  Yesterday I read that my dear friend suggested for this full moon we create a mandala. Split into four groups and put colors, images and or words that fit. I had cut out words months ago for a vision board with my then relationship that never happened. As I made this mandala, imagine my UTTER SHOCK as each word save one fit perfectly into this mandala. Another miracle. It is as if there has always been a plan .I just did not know it.

In closing, have a beautiful day. Find your own perfect path from the signs life gives you. Life IS the supreme guru. Listen to what it tells you. With eyes to see and ears to hear, yo too will fly as I am. For I am not special...we all are.

Love and Light

Saturday, March 23, 2013

It's never like the first love....

I was just a girl from Michigan. I had only been here in Cali for a few years. I had loved people, yes but I had not ever been in love. Feeling all those things that people write and sing about. Maybe I never even really knew what love was. Its not as if I felt incredibly loved as a child. Or even seen for that matter. Yet that was about to change.

The first time I remember meeting this man was at Tommy Tangs.  I had seen pictures because we were all at the same agency struggling as young wanna be actors. But we had never met. It was a casual dinner that I showed up to with CP. He was such a sweet soul.  RIP. He was good to me and I knew he loved me and I loved him but I was not in love with him. So we went and to be honest I cannot even remember who else was there with the exception of this beautiful young man.

He wore faded blue jeans, beat up black high top converse, an old white t shirt with  vintage vest over it. He sat right next to me, to my left. And I saw a tattoo peeking out on his right upper arm. It was a Cherokee indian chief head with ceremonial feather head dress. I touched it....electricity.....I told him I liked it.  I asked why that for his tattoo. He shared that he was three quarters Cherokee.  I remember his kind hearted, deep brown eyes. His almost feminine, beauty of a face. How he was not like everyone else, he was himself. Original. Funny. Smart. Sexy. A bit shy.  Who knew in a short amount of time he would become MY tattooed love boy.

I remember the next time we saw each other. I was leaving my audition for an AFI film called Dummies. Directed by the wonderful Laurie Frank. She is fond of saying,"There's casting and there's DIVINE casting." I can still remember walking up the street in west LA. with all the cool houses built in the 30's. As I left my reading I saw sweet JD was walking towards me. His hair a lovely mess, super cool sunglasses and I felt that kind heart that I met once before. Mine skipped a beat. I simply got giddy around this man. Like my soul had been searching for him for a long long time. I simply said hi and scurried along.

Memories are not always easy to come by so things may have occurred in between what I share but this is what I remember. We got cast.  Both of us!!!! As did the darling Max Perlich who bare witness to our love story and became our adopted son. Max was 16, JD was 21 and I was 19. We all met for a read through at Laurie's house, the same we had auditioned at. My name was spelled wrong on a call sheet. It said Sherilyn Fur. I forever became Fur to this sweetheart. Then Fur fucker. Terms of endearment are so personal. And oddly beautiful.

There was an odd older man doing props, I think. And he went under the table and put a grape in between my toes. A drama for me as I have an awful memory of being in second grade and a boy named Danny went under our 6 desks put together and kissed my knees!!!!! His face is scribbled out in the Elmwood school picture. But my reaction was big and JD helped. It was then I learned that he had a sort of foot fetish and he loved my goofy fat feet. It took the sting out of the weird moment and a nickname was earned to boot.

JD was in a relationship that had ended he felt. Other details are not mine to share. But suffice to say it was not the real first love situation that we both admittedly were in the process of falling into. We spent many long hrs on the set filming. Into the wee hrs of the morning. We talked incessantly about...well...everything. Became so close the energy was palpable. Maxie there the whole time playing, watching, getting in trouble, just being Max, our son.

At some point JD came to visit me at my home I shared with my mother and my big brother Leo. Our dogs had just had puppies, maybe that was the excuse. Or it was the big old black Lab that I found and was keeping until I found her a home. I named her Lady, JD named her Bug. Go figure. As I said, an original he was. And is.

He came into my room that was downstairs in a tri level house. We talked and talked as usual. Hung out with the animals. He loved animals as I do. Then at a certain point it was time for him to leave as much as I longed for him to never leave. As we left my room, he grabbed me, pushed me against the wall, said ,"This never happened" and kissed me.......it was lovely. The deal was sealed. No turning back now. But what did he mean?????????

In retrospect I think it meant, this is just between us....for now. As he was still finishing cleaning up another situation. For me, I knew when he left that I had fallen helplessly in love. This is what it feels like. OMG!!!!!! I felt wonderful. I danced. I pranced. I sang out loud.  Then, scary and honest fact is that the second emotion I felt pretty quickly  after that recognition was utter fear. Fear that it would go away. Fear that it would change. Fear that he maybe did not feel the same way. It was an emotional roller coaster.

I had never seen love or relationships work in my lifetime. Ever. Maybe Grandpa and Grandma, but she seemed miserable. That was not what I wanted. But I went on the ride. Willingly. Gladly. Ecstatically. This man was good to me. We had a lot of fun. A few nights while they were setting up shots, we would walk around in the cold with the street lights humming planning our future. We were gonna live in Europe because its more artistic there. We both had long, vintage overcoats with our arms wrapped tightly around each other.

We would sit in my little cream Corvette talking while Maxie skate boarded around the car threatening to smash into to it. We yelled at him like good parents but really we couldn't of cared less. We had each other and it was new love. And it was a beautiful thing. Even spent a few nights at Max's because we shot some scenes there. Staying up late, climbing trees, "bogging the dax" as JD would say. And were awakened  in the morning to walls shaking with the heavy bass of Brick House. It was idyllic.

This is all I choose to share. Inspired by recent fb posts by friends. I am thankful to have been taken back. Good night...xxxooo

Sunday, March 17, 2013

This goat is alive and well!!!!!

Good day....and I can say honestly and much to the dismay of my haters, who by the by....WHY do you come to my page?????? Go Away!!!!!! I can honestly say that I am in this moment inspired and happy.

So....... I don't know about you but my life is turning itself inside out. And this is a good thing. I have  left those difficult years that were basically the dark night of my soul.  Where I was in so much pain and confusion. I had to see all the things about myself that I could not see . And not that I have reached my final destination or that I have no more growing to do...until I take my last breath I will learn and grow. But maybe I am just no longer fighting life. Beginning to live my life in the consciousness of possibility. Not taking all this immense change that the world and universe is growing through personally. Really seeing it as the whole evolving. And I am just a little, minuscule part of it.

It is really a beautiful thing. This new perspective is life changing.  I have wanted and prayed for this
and these prayers are finally being answered. NOT because I am special, but because it was and is a consistent and heartfelt desire. We all have our time to get our asses kicked. The degree to which they get kicked is directly connected to the degree to which we run, hide and don't listen to the constant signs life gives us. The degree to which we desperately cling to what we know. Seeming security. Sleep walk our way through life self-obsessed , self-absorbed, a victim, a martyr, whatever role you cast yourself in. And make no mistake, you are the one that wrote, produced, cast and now are directing your way through. Your little movie, your little story. How sweet it is to move away from all of that. 

Everyone I know is walking through their own version of this. I believe we are all alive right now in this time while the planet is getting healed because we chose to be.  And we are being healed , as well. We are in the process of deeply releasing the past. Our personal past, our lineages and the collective planets past.  Birthing on any level is never easy. But it also need not be as hard as we make it with our ego in the drivers seat dictating the" how "of it all. The" how" is NOT what to focus on. It is the "WHAT" that is important." How" works itself out through spirit perfectly well without our interference. We don't tell our eyes how to see, or our bodies how to digest. They all inherently know how to do these things. 

This is true in acting as well. I was taught by my beloved Roy London ( I will always talk about him and yes have pics of him still in my home) to focus on "what" I am doing. "What" am I looking at in my life right now. "What" is up for me that is unresolved. When I honestly know that, then "how" just comes out in its own unique and original way. I am not presenting something I already know when I live in the "what." I am learning as I have not the fatal flaw of cowardice (taught by another amazing teacher of mine Robert Lorenz) to be filmed discovering it myself. Then we all grow together and get our own personal interpretation of it. Like when  a dear friend shares a personal story and it sparks a realization in us. This too is how I live my life, focusing on the what.

A quick break to cook lunch for my two young princes, my Myles Maximillian and my Christian James. Half a tuna sandwich for myself...all is well.....lol.....

I believe and it has been my direct life experience that we cannot change that about ourselves which we cannot or choose to not see. The blame game is the most damaging thing to participate in. I did it for years and years and unfortunately sometimes still accidentally dabble in it. Most of my growth came when I just stopped it altogether and took my laser like analysis of others and did the surgery on myself.  Surgery is still in process, until my last breath. Because that is the only thing that is my business. That and the guidance and love of my children. But even with my oldest I am needing to loosen up as he is now 19 and it is his time to learn things for himself. My 5 yr old on the other and is still completely my beloved and treasured responsibility.

My relationship with the father of my 5 yr old ended in its current form about 1 month ago.  It was not my choice. It is not easy. But after a week of attacks, I surrendered because what I call my quiet voice told me to, and all is well. again that does not mean there are not moments of intense fear, sadness and pain. Its just that we are better as really good friends. We had become cell mates , as opposed to soul mates, holding each other prisoner to the lies of our childhoods. No matter how we tried we could not escape it. So our relationship in that form had to die. And in a week, a fucking week (i pat myself on the back!!!!!!) I managed to change my tone completely. We are at peace. We are doing what is best for the baby boy. And ourselves. We are honoring our time together. I will always love him and have a place for him and with him in my heart and life. I have learned so much from him and from our years together. We will always be closely in contact. And it is a gift. He also gave to me the second best gift of my entire life, my Christian James. The first gift is my Myles Maximillian. I am blessed with two beautiful creatures. I thank God everyday.

The dealing of this situation was nothing less than a miracle. I wish I could say his family supported the 
peace but I cannot. And I am happy to no longer give a damn about what any of them say or think of any of it. I was the token scape goat there for too long. Now I am free. I recently read the origins of the word scapegoat. In ancient tribes, villagers would sacrifice a goat by killing  it for all their sins. So they, in their ignorance, thought killing the goat meant then all their sins died with it. Until they did other bad things and killed more goats. Well this goat is alive and well. And even thriving!!!!!! yyyiiipppeeeeeee !
My Robert used to call it the "identifiable problem." He said families would come in and say so and so is doing this and that...they are bad...etc. Not being able to see that they were the problem or what THEY were doing. So I wonder who they will blame now that I am gone...oh wait....WHO CARES!!!!!!!!

The quiet voice never leads me astray. It told me to sit down and write today. It finished 2 children's books and a NY lit agent says with a little nurturing they can be published. It told me to surrender and let go of all the anger around my ex. It shares much more than I can share here. I will say that it is not the loud crazy voices of my head. It exists in my belly. It is attached to a calm and peaceful feeling. 
I must listen for it. It is usually the first voice I hear and often times goes against all my plans and ideas.
Q. Do you know how to make God laugh?
A. Tell him all your plans. 
So I shall close for now. Saying a heartfelt thanks to those of you who send me comments and support this little share, diary, blog thing. I am happy if it brings even one person something positive. Life is really meant to be a joyous experience and I believe now....finally..... that literally the world is evolving in that direction. I hope I get to see it that way in my lifetime. If its meant to be but I  am ok if there is another plan.....I trust. I free fall into the loving arms of the universe. And so it is......

Love and Light....

P.S. I will be writing at least weekly installments from now on. Comments and questions are welcome and appreciated.
P.S.S. Thank God for spell check!!!!!!