The Way....

Do you feel it? Do you feel the pressure on being turned a diamond out of the dense coal you were born?  Is it just me........ Of course it is not as we are all one. One connected body, being and source. Even when it appears that we are all separate, we are not. This is my belief anyway.

Can I say it hurts ? These growing pains. This constant struggle to bust out of the cocoon. This lack of patience with my ow needed personal growth. Just wanting all the old patterns, childhood stories of pain, certainty that I am nothing ....just wanting it to all go away. It takes the time it takes. And maybe it never really all goes away. It remains a part of the tapestry that is me in this life.

There are good days and bad days, this I know. Yet make the mistake of childishly overexaulting the good and then inevitably descending to the depths of hell as it all goes pear shaped. This is a ride I am exhausted of. How does one live this life and stay in the middle of the wheel as the Buddhists put it. I do not know.

I have come a long way on my path. A long way. And yet it seems at times I have so much farther to go. Moments of incredible certainty, slammed against days of utter uncertainty. The pendulum swings back and forth. With less space covered as in the past. But swing it does with me STILL holding on for dear life.

Holding on, hoping, praying, crying, pleading for a dear life. A dearer one. A kinder one. For me and 

all these around me that I love. Sometimes its here, other times too far to touch.  When it is more than likely always here and it is I that stray. It is I that sabotages it. It is I that fears things being "too good."

No more of this blame game. This is not easy. It takes so much vigilance on my part. I often assume (my first mistake, assuming) it is about someone else. When it is only a mirror. Someone wise said the bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. I am happy that I just remembered that. It resonates with me.

Sometimes something big and ugly must occur to shake me out of my illusion. It is not a kind and gentle path. I seek kinder, gentler ways to grow. Yet it is not and has never been up to me. Even that is a kind of free fall. My ego hates that idea, my soul rejoices in it. 

"If you are irritated by the rub, how will your mirror ever be polished."        Rumi

I sit here between the rooms. In the hallway. One door has closed and the window has yet to be opened. Shall I do as I heard someone say? When you are here, put up some new wallpaper. And see that the window is opening. Slowly as is the process of all growth.

The anger still resides in me. It is a palpable rage that can and has destroyed many things. It dips so deep that it connects to a collective rage that it frightens even me.  My own children have looked at me with fear in their eyes. One need not hit as I never do to evoke this, but we can hit with looks, with connections to that anger that fire off onto an innocent bystanders.  It is nothing to be proud. It is weakness.

I am embarrassed by these feelings that are part of me. I want them to go away but they do not. I can only chip away, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day and do the best I can. I have apologized too many times to count. I need it to end. Or to be transformed. I pray many days for help. Some things have to be walked through. Hurt as they may.

None is so blind as he who will not see. I am seeing much these days. It ain't pretty, but it is pretty freeing. It is a path towards a different life. A healthier life. A happier life. And a more peaceful life. I see more flaws or cracks in myself than I have ever in the past. I am working to meet them with compassion and love.

It hurts..............a lot............ When I watched a butterfly emerge from a cocoon there was something startling. A sort of red blood came out of it. I touched it and it stained my finger red. The cocoon would shake and shake, then be still for it bit while it rested and built up it strength for the next round. Like the contractions for birthing a baby.

Maybe this is necessary. Maybe it would be too hard on the nervous system to experience it all at once. For ANY living creature on the planet. I am in the midst of this. I just don't know if I am at the beginning, in the the middle or nearing the end. Neither does the butterfly nor the birthing mother. It is natural state anyway.

SO I guess it requires yet another leap of faith. A jump into the void. A free fall with trust that God will take care of it in the best way. In the only way. Like the Buddhists call it, and my man got a tattoo representing it.

The Way.