Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Way....

Do you feel it? Do you feel the pressure on being turned a diamond out of the dense coal you were born?  Is it just me........ Of course it is not as we are all one. One connected body, being and source. Even when it appears that we are all separate, we are not. This is my belief anyway.

Can I say it hurts ? These growing pains. This constant struggle to bust out of the cocoon. This lack of patience with my ow needed personal growth. Just wanting all the old patterns, childhood stories of pain, certainty that I am nothing ....just wanting it to all go away. It takes the time it takes. And maybe it never really all goes away. It remains a part of the tapestry that is me in this life.

There are good days and bad days, this I know. Yet make the mistake of childishly overexaulting the good and then inevitably descending to the depths of hell as it all goes pear shaped. This is a ride I am exhausted of. How does one live this life and stay in the middle of the wheel as the Buddhists put it. I do not know.

I have come a long way on my path. A long way. And yet it seems at times I have so much farther to go. Moments of incredible certainty, slammed against days of utter uncertainty. The pendulum swings back and forth. With less space covered as in the past. But swing it does with me STILL holding on for dear life.

Holding on, hoping, praying, crying, pleading for a dear life. A dearer one. A kinder one. For me and 
all these around me that I love. Sometimes its here, other times too far to touch.  When it is more than likely always here and it is I that stray. It is I that sabotages it. It is I that fears things being "too good."

No more of this blame game. This is not easy. It takes so much vigilance on my part. I often assume (my first mistake, assuming) it is about someone else. When it is only a mirror. Someone wise said the bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. I am happy that I just remembered that. It resonates with me.

Sometimes something big and ugly must occur to shake me out of my illusion. It is not a kind and gentle path. I seek kinder, gentler ways to grow. Yet it is not and has never been up to me. Even that is a kind of free fall. My ego hates that idea, my soul rejoices in it. 

"If you are irritated by the rub, how will your mirror ever be polished."        Rumi

I sit here between the rooms. In the hallway. One door has closed and the window has yet to be opened. Shall I do as I heard someone say? When you are here, put up some new wallpaper. And see that the window is opening. Slowly as is the process of all growth.

The anger still resides in me. It is a palpable rage that can and has destroyed many things. It dips so deep that it connects to a collective rage that it frightens even me.  My own children have looked at me with fear in their eyes. One need not hit as I never do to evoke this, but we can hit with looks, with connections to that anger that fire off onto an innocent bystanders.  It is nothing to be proud. It is weakness.

I am embarrassed by these feelings that are part of me. I want them to go away but they do not. I can only chip away, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day and do the best I can. I have apologized too many times to count. I need it to end. Or to be transformed. I pray many days for help. Some things have to be walked through. Hurt as they may.

None is so blind as he who will not see. I am seeing much these days. It ain't pretty, but it is pretty freeing. It is a path towards a different life. A healthier life. A happier life. And a more peaceful life. I see more flaws or cracks in myself than I have ever in the past. I am working to meet them with compassion and love.

It hurts..............a lot............ When I watched a butterfly emerge from a cocoon there was something startling. A sort of red blood came out of it. I touched it and it stained my finger red. The cocoon would shake and shake, then be still for it bit while it rested and built up it strength for the next round. Like the contractions for birthing a baby.

Maybe this is necessary. Maybe it would be too hard on the nervous system to experience it all at once. For ANY living creature on the planet. I am in the midst of this. I just don't know if I am at the beginning, in the the middle or nearing the end. Neither does the butterfly nor the birthing mother. It is natural state anyway.

SO I guess it requires yet another leap of faith. A jump into the void. A free fall with trust that God will take care of it in the best way. In the only way. Like the Buddhists call it, and my man got a tattoo representing it.

The Way.


  1. Hi Sherilyn

    It’s good to hear your words again and great news about the new show, congrats and wishing you every successes in your new venture. I know you will shine!

    Wonder when it will be aired in the UK

    Your post reminds me of a friend who has a tattoo, the words of which never fail to motivate and inspire me, they are simply:

    “I believe in life”

    “I believe in love”

    “But the world in which I live in keeps trying to prove me wrong”

    Really sums it all up for me but somehow they make me smile and help me to keep moving forward

    Thanks again for your words they are both reflective and inspirational

    Peace Love & Happiness


  2. Life requires us to make lots of uncertain leaps. Sometimes we fall hard, sometimes we get scared once we're on the edge. But this is how we learn how to fly too. Have faith in yourself and in the universe. So many people believes in you and loves you.

    In times of anger, frustration, or overwhelming stress, there is something that I keep on saying to myself over and over: PAUSE & BREATHE. Literally. Take a moment, pause, and breathe deep. Let your mind and heart breathe for a while before you decide on anything, say anything, do anything. You can do it, Sherilyn. :>

    Thank you for writing again and we wish you all the best!


  3. Hey Sherilyn,

    We seem to be going through the same thing. Wednesday (yesterday) was Yom Kippur. It's a time for asking forgiveness, letting go of the last year's pain and strife, and looking forward to a brighter future. Jewish New Year. This year was especially hard and I found myself examining some pretty painful stuff yesterday. I found myself mostly asking for the strength to pull out my demons and look them squarely in the face, to get angry and grieve...and then get over it. Not to tuck these issues away for the next time, but to truly deal with them and get them out of me. To be done with being angry and hurt. To forgive the people that hurt me most, like my mother, whether they deserved forgiveness or not, because I need the closure. I need it to be over. It's not easy. And you definitely can't force it along any faster. So, I'm down here with you. Hoping for the patience, grace, and wisdom to get through the worst of me and move on to a better version of my life.

    I guess it'll happen when it's ready to happen.

    Sending lots of love your way,
    Elizabeth Andersen

  4. I really love your blog! And I really love you!

    Thank you so much for everything! ♥

  5. It is often said but rarely understood by those who do not face adversity in their lives that God only gives us as much to deal with as he knows we can. Or something along those lines.

    I have walked through many a dark valley in recent years and it is not until we clear the other side and look back that we can only believe we are strong enough. We clear these low points in our lives only to know all too well that there is another dark valley just out of site that will come our way.

    It is not a sign of weakness to stumble and fall into the void of things driven by our minds, only the poor luck of the draw in genetics that makes us more susceptible than others.

    It is frightening when the systems or people that we surround ourselves with to keep those demons at bay fail us. Sometimes is may be treachery or hurt caused by another and sometimes just the Ying balancing the Yang.

    Regardless of the cause, the pain we feel in the darkness is real and not understood by others unless they too have walked those same paths. Yet the people in our lives, the ones that really matter will always love us for who we are even when a chink in our armour reveals itself. It is easy to walk proud and true when we are at our best but times do come when we find ourselves at our worse and it is in those times the ones that truly love us, always love us. If they do not they never really understood you.

    Remember you never walk alone and it does get better. Others feel the same as you even if not for the same reasons. Many of us share the burden of knowing the darker side of our souls and have seen the people we have scared and hurt when in the depths of what pains our spirit.

    Remember forgiveness is the greatest gift that God has given us. If he is willing to forgive you, then you should also. :)

    I hope I have not offended by speaking bluntly of God. It is a sad reflection of our times when speaking of God can be received as a negative.

    Keep your chin up and know the clouds will pass, even if only for an unknown period. If they come again they will pass and if you have the right people in your life they will understand, accept and love you unconditionally.

  6. Hi, Sherilyn. Congratulations on your new job and great hearing from you. Well, after 10 yrs. tyring to conceive I am proudly holding my baby in my arms as I type this. Though I had issues with my pregnancy, God saw me though it all and Josette my precious healthy baby was born in July. It's all about God and the blessings he has for us. I now finally know what it's like to be a mother and I'm just in awe. You are truely blessed with two precious boys and it's wonderful that they have such a great role model of a mother in you. Cherish evey moment and hold them as much as you can because children are gifts from God. Many blessings to you!!

    God bless, Sandy

  7. Hello Sherilyn :)

    First of all, as one of your biggest fans, I would like to tell you how much I love and adore you. Well, I'm a little bit inarticulate here because, really, words cannot capture my love, respect, and all the feeling that I have for you. You are such a beautiful creature, and, as well as, an unbelievably amazing actress, of course.

    At first, frankly, my admiration for you is merely caused by my fascination with your beauty and your marvelous acting ability. But, after I get to know you better, through your blogs and interviews, now, i see you and respect you, as one flawed, yet, beautiful human being.

    My queen, I just want you to remember that I will always be by your side, regardless of how painful "life" is to you. Please remember that it cannot and it WILL NOT rain forever.

    Yes, life is NOT easy. Life always cold-bloodedly abuses us, but pain is there for a reason, you know. Maybe there's a lesson hidden in it. Maybe it's molding us into a better person. Maybe, It will be our shield in the near future, May be, one day, we will have to thanks the pain that we're feeling right now. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, remember? Just don't give up. Let's show life what we're made of.

    Thank you for everything, Sherilyn
    and please please please keep updating your blog. I'm begging you. It's the only way i will ever find out how your life is going :)

    Much Love, Evilgirlzzo

  8. I thought I would come check out your blog again, you hadn't posted for awhile the last time I checked...but I'm glad I came back to read it. We used to chat a lot on twitter (you called me your "Michigan Sista") and being sixteen at the time, it was really nice. You are really inspirational. I hope you are well and I hope someday I will be able to talk to you again :)

    xo hrj

  9. Write, write, write, and then write some more, and don't ever stop. What you are going through people will relate to and respond to. Your views ... YOU ... resonate with the people that matter. I feel like you have stories and people inside that are begging to be let out. Your time is now, it really is, and YOUR VOICE needs to be heard through these stories and characters that need to be heard. I hope you are feeling better, I hope you continue writing, not just on your blog, but in notebooks that will lead to plays, or movies, or miniseries, or something, because I really think you've got something that will make a difference. You have the gift ... I really believe that you do and I know you will find a way to continually transform these feelings into hope, joy, and peace.
    Take care,
    Love and hugs.
    Me, an anonymous & normal fan who is putting off doing stuff at home.

  10. Hi Sherilyn,

    I've been absent from keeping up with my bookmarked blogs for some time, but I was pleased to come back to see you are continuing to be the raw, candid person I have admired for so long. Brief though it was, it was an honor to meet and speak with you at the Twin Peaks Festival last year, and I'm so happy you are still sharing your journey with us. Growth and struggle is only natural for us humans--and especially for us artists. I too, wrestle with so much inner rage, and your metaphor of the butterfly is so apt. My guess is our struggle never stops, only evolves. But that just keeps us blood-red fresh and vital...ready to move forward, learn, and fly.

  11. Not sure what you mean..as it should be...

    A psychologist once told me that I was born with everything stacked against me. She said that for the rest of my life I'd have baggage, but that I can distance myself from that. That baggage was anger and rage at so much in my past. It's funny because ever since she told me that...I've imagined it all as outside myself. I don't feel angry anymore....or rejected..still have problems feeling loved...

    Anyway..just saying..there's hope..

  12. Hiya Sherri, I was wondering what type of autism ur young guy had and at what age he was diagnosed? I am the mother of a son with Aspergers

  13. What a lovely, frank and emotional entry. These are thoughts that most, if not everyone, feels at times, life is never wonderful all of the time. When studying CBT I was taught to imagine thoughts and reactions in life as a waterfall and sometimes you can choose to watch, other times you can choose to get your head wet (!). Either way, we make the choice. Wish you all the best and glad I found your blog. x

  14. Hello Sherri,

    I just want to let you know that I still read what you write here even if I don't comment... I'm a little bit tired of my english...
    Write write, again and again...

    Bises :)
    Sending love and light.


  15. Hi,

    I think it's not the matter of where you are on the way. You're always at the beginning, in the middle and at the end. The way never starts and never ends. It's like a straight line, it's undefined, just like all the transcendent aspects of life. Each moment is the end of the world and a beginning of the new one.

    Is the new one the better one?

  16. Given infinity, all that is possible is inevitable !

  17. Yes, it is a gradual thing, this transition you are growing into. Journey on my dear. You are very near. Peace is truly possible even in the midst of the storm. - Deb

  18. I'm a 43 year old actor living on the east coast of Canada. I recently reviewed Twin Peaks which has led me on a Sherilyn Fenn whirlwind tour. So disappointed I can't find you playing Liz. There's just this one scrap of it on YouTube and even from this brief glimpse the brilliance of your portrayal is screamingly evident. Anyway, this is not meant to be a fan letter. The whirlwind has led me to this blog and I wish to respond to it.
    Having just done a practical James Lipton on you, and being an actor myself, and with all your performances swimming around in my head and in my actor's heart, I feel I'm in touch with some small sense of you the actor. Why do I suspect that theatre holds a piece of a puzzle you're building? I want to get dressed up and go see that raging butterfly in action damnit! Not to make light of your rage. I've come to regard rage as a human state with an evolutionary shelf life. At least in my evolution. I had to rage at my children before I truly saw it for its power to betray me. I used to defend it from the opposite stance. "My rage is natural, primal, my right, my heart, my history, my obligation, a part of a range of human emotion I mustn't shy away from as an actor etc." When rage seems justified and pure it's a thing of beauty. And when it's finely articulated it's riveting. I've made great progress since those days of defending it, which weren't so long ago, as I attempt now to not sound quite so sage about.. rage.
    I've heard emotion described as riding an elephant. It takes you where it wants to go. Then it's a matter of imagining what your elephant is like and how tame you'd like it to be. In the theatre elephants go berserk all the time and people applaud! It's really fun.
    Love and Light

  19. Hi - Good to see that you are well, despite turmoil. But what would we be without some? When I saw the Coens’ A SERIOUS MAN I was motivated to read Job. It confirmed the theory for me that the world is more or less a crucible, a soul refinery if you will. We become diamonds from lumps of coal as you so aptly put it, touche.

    Thanks again for getting me started on Blogger. I really should thank Todd Berger also as he was the one who wrote about your blog on IMDb. I still haven’t seen THE SCENESTERS ! Someday. He, Jeff Grace and Blaise Miller are all in a movie, CINEMA SIX. Cute trailer on You Tube. All 3 have been busy. Nice.

    Did you know that David Lynch is quoted as saying there is some sort of cinematic project in the works? Quite exciting for me anyway. I’ve just about come down from INLAND EMPIRE , not quite though, lol. I really should thank him for informing me about Gloria Swanson. I’ve become quite enamored.

    Good luck with ‘Magic City’. I’d watch it but I just have basic TV. And your movie RAZE sounds intriguing. A ‘horror’ movie?

    I hope you write that book. I sure would like to hear more about the Twin Peaks experience, and Jennifer Lynch. In the meantime I’ll keep an eye on this. bests

  20. Hi Sherilyn

    Like most people here. I am big fan of yours.

    You posts just remind me of my journaling that I have been doing for years asking the same questions as you do. It never seems to end.

    The more you observe yourself the less certain that there is a "world out there" and you "in here".

    I feel now that one of the hardest things is having to accept the part of our/yourselves that you don't like or ashamed of. i feel the split starts there in the 1st place and thus the inner war.

    So living "in the pain of our obvious limitations" and still find a way for the spirit to shine from within is perhaps a way.

  21. Namaste..

    it would seem strange to be nothing.. yet that is what it is,, though the no-thing is permeating a fragrance of love..

    self-inquiry who am I.. the way to answer this question is to rest into it with breath.. through the ups and downs.. highs and lows.. merely to ask the question who I am.. as this question becomes an answer that answer is only for you to know, feel, see, be.. namaste.. light and love from no one..

  22. You're a beautiful person. Your pain and disappointment has made you precious. I wish you the best in all of your endeavours.

    May the words of the ancient philosophers and priest guide you.

  23. There are good days and bad days. I hope this day will be a good day, and I wish you a Happy Birthday. I am so fascinated that both you and I were born on 1 Feb 1965. Best regards from Sweden

    Bo Peterson, ielbo@passagen.se

  24. Have a wonderful and cozy birthday!! We miss you! :) xo

  25. Hi Sherilyn!

    I have to say that your blog is absolutely, positively nothing at all like what I expected. Thank YOU!! (To be honest, I expected a self-promotional thing, written by a publicist or some such, all happy-chatty about your upcoming roles and the "wonderful times" you had at Oscar parties etc... I expected a frosted cupcake.. and I found a perfect filet mignon! And, THAT - my expectations - says more about me and the work I need to do, than it says about you.)

    Anyway - you said that you have come far along your path, and have far yet to go. To me, that implies that you're seeking a destination, you're looking for the day when you can say "my journey is done, I have figured it all out, I am complete". But, if I may be so bold as to suggest that the path, the journey, IS life.. and the destination is the point where the journey ends. If there is a secret to life, it is to make the best of your journey and let the destination take care of itself. I've hear it said that "life is a dash" - a tombstone has two dates, separated by a dash.. and life is what happens in the dash. This was also Thoreau's point, he "went to the woods.. to live deliberately.. so that, upon dying, [he] would not find that he had not lived". I know that many believe that they can complete their journey and then live for a time in contentment, peace, and tranquility (or whatever you hope to experience there).. but I'm trying to suggest that it might be better to seek contentment and make peace with your imperfect self while you are still on the journey, rather than waiting for the day you can begin to "live".

    If any of this makes sense...

    Anyway, thank you for a REAL blog from a real person, and, please write again soon!

  26. Dear Steve,
    Thank you for your valuble insight. And although my words did not imply it, I could not agree more. But thank you for reminding me so eloquently. I often say I ail be growing until I take my last breath. But maybe there is a part of me that hopes that there will all of a sudden be these wonderful chapters where it all is good. It just feels it has been a struggle for so long that I felt I needed a break....Again, thank you. I need to get back to writing here and your words truly encourage me to do just that. All the best to you!!!!! xxxoooo
    With love and light, sherilyn

  27. I am so happy that you might come back soon to continue writing! I have been checking in regularly, mainly because what you have to say really resonates with me. That's often not the case with bloggers I happen to stumble upon. Your words are rich and full of imagery, making one stop and ponder about life, grief and most importantly... love. Thank you so much! xo

  28. It's been too long Sherilyn... I'm very pleased to see your reply to Steve. And may I also say to him - well put!

    I too was excited to find your blog, seemingly from the real person herself (but I guess one never really knows for sure.) It seems surreal to be able to “speak” directly to you. I have been a fan for a long time, and have truly enjoyed getting to know you through this venue.

    Over the last couple months I have been catching up on your writing/blog, and also seeking out and revisiting some of your projects from the last nearly 30 years. Wow, can you believe it?! I am 48 as well, and those last thirty are just a blur. Time goes by so fast anymore, and I’ve come to realize that life is truly far too short.

    You have really done some wonderful work throughout your career. I think I first saw you on Twin Peaks. You were incredible. I then recall seeing you in Out of Control (still have it on VHS), Just One of the Guys, and The Wraith. Then there was Two Moon Junction and Of Mice and Men. You were always a highlight, regardless of the film. Oh and I remember your appearance on Friends. Quite a humorous character you portrayed.

    I have learned however, that there is so much more in your canon. Recently I have sought out some of your other projects including Just Write, Psych, and Crime Zone. I found it very insightful while viewing that movie to think about your experience on the set (you provided just enough details to figure it out.) If possible, I would love to read more of those recollections. It really gave me a whole other level of appreciation for your work.

    Lastly, I just want to say thanks for being here. And by here, I mean part of my “dash.” Your presence, beauty, and talent, have made our world a little brighter and sexier for me and many others. We are all in this together. We each have our own unique circumstances, but many of us see and feel the same way you do and write about in this forum. I hope you will find some satisfaction knowing these things.

  29. What a refreshing discovery this blog is.

    When you put that first knee on the mattress at the end of the day, your mind races through the 'tick' that is another moment of your lifes' existence and you briefly wonder if this was a worthy adventure..... this day.

    I spent 1/4 of this day reading your words. I envisioned the struggle, challenges, rewards, successes and failures of another human being, who like all, struggles with the human condition. The inevitable question 'why.'

    I hope you begin writing again Sherilyn. I would welcome the time I could invest sharing more of your time.

    God Bless.

  30. Howdy Miss Fenn,
    As a fellow searcher of truth and meaning, I pass along something I found of value - search youtube for jonathan, aka adampants and sit back and listen - this person is no longer active on youtube, but others have saved his work and reposted it on various channels.
    Take what you like and leave the rest.

  31. I am playing catch up here Sherilyn with your blogs. To be honest I have been through a phase of reduction. I felt no connection to anything, the written word looked dead. So I've disappeared. I don't even know how I have returned? What I want you to know is that a lot of what you say scares me. I say that with honesty and by that I mean by the parallels to my own mind. Our ages are different, we don't occupy the same country and culture, I am from Liverpool. I have never had a spotlight on me or been subjected to such vast opinion and scrutiny as you have through your art and their is the inevitable tag of being outwardly beautiful and how that makes people address you with agenda. I cannot speak for all but their is a hypnotism to it but they don't see or think much to care about the mind of that person. The bravery it takes to face that is in itself fighting a very complex game. And you're still here. You hurt yourself a lot. That's how I see it even though you may not agree but when I read you I just see pain, physically it gives me a knot in my stomach because you're so absolutely transparent and lovely and you make me think of Marilyn. Had to just get that out since wide awake here in Liverpool. 03.15am. Working on my first novel. Goodnight precious xoxoxox

  32. I want to know what Sherilyn thinks about Jay Lo and Angelina Jolie ,Hilary Swank end co about their activity with Krav Maga?
    I saw somewhere on net I think it was here..www.krav-maga.us About how they use this kind of martial art to be in shape.Does actors they need self defense when they have almost all of them Bodyguards?.Did she thought about it? Taking self defense classes ?Greetings

  33. Text very beautiful and deep.

    Rodrigo, Brazil.

  34. Text very beautiful and deep.

    Rodrigo, Brazil.