Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Moments from Peaks pilot.

Going to film the pilot of Twin Peaks (then being called Northwest passage) was an exciting time for me. It was of course a huge nod towards feeling like a legitimate actress to be working with David. And to have the role, small as it was to have been written for me. I only wished in my heart that it was bigger. Little did I know....

I had no idea how long moments in Davids world could last an eternity. What is on the screen feels so much more than even in the original first draft of the pilot that I received where I think I had two scenes. David strung together a series of was so cool.

Strange little scenarios like with the pencil & the Styrofoam coffee cup. Its makes my heart rate increase to think about it. I have not seen a lot of my work. Never wanted to. Sometimes photographs from promotions of a particular job pop into my mind. But most of all I am left with the feeling I had when doing the actual scenes.

So when I think of that scene..... with the coffee cup....I just keep smiling because it was so much fun to make the woman with me so nervous. Forgive me because I cannot remember her name. But we had fun. I see in my minds eye all the goings on of the crew in the lodge, my Daddy's lodge. It was just a fun world, with the murder and all. And being a troublemaker...hehehe. My brothers always felt Audrey was very much the little sister they remember growing up.

I don't get to see David as much as I'd like to these days but when I think of him I smile deeply, into my soul. He is authentic, vulnerable and an artist in his life of seeing beauty in everything. He even sees the beauty in what most call darkness. But dark is just another form of light after all. It all comes from the source. He has soul based reasons for embracing and exploring deep in himself the dark corners and that was one of the most enriching life lessons for me in working with and getting to know him.

I've said it before, I will always be in love with him on a certain level. He made me believe that I was special. The last time I saw him, as I left with tears in my eyes, I hugged him and said thank you for believing in me when no one did. His reply embraced me as he always did from day one. He said,"Sherilyn, there's a lot to believe in!!!"

I love you DKL!!!

Continuing in the lodge....trotting off into see these Norwegians (but more motivated to fuck with her Daddy) bored somehow by life. Actually as I write I realize Audrey reminds me a little of another character I played. Curly's wife in Of Mice and Men. She was less of a victim but both of them posed a threat to the men around them because of their vulnerability and accessibility. Hmmmmmmm, that sounds film familiar.

Again it was a small moment that the grace of David made timeless. I was excited because I got to wear my own favorite pale pink cashmere vintage sweater. But my poor sweater took a beating and was forever changed by the experience much in the same way that I was.

So in this scene I was to go in curious. Browse over the smorgasbord set out for them, exhale sadly, a sort of damsel in distress. Knowing full well that my Daddy wanted them to know nothing of the murder. And once noticed, deliver the knockout punch.

Once I had their attention after another sad sigh I leaned against the wall. This is where my sweater saw its final moments. David had the wardrobe dept tie my sweater into a big, big, bigger knot behind my back. Tight, tight, tighter...hehehe. I couldn't have had my whole back flat on the wall if I wanted. But the effect was, well, effective. Need I say more.

This is the only line reading David ever gave me. As if I cared at all that it was one. I did not. One would be foolish to question his brilliance. I had two or three lines. I don't remember exactly but I know the last one was what he focused on. Not even the last line but the last word. He said stretch it out as long as you can. It went something like this.

The Norwegian head man:
"Pretty little girl is something wrong?"

Audrey Horne:
"They found my friend. (sniff,sniff) In the lake. (sniff) She'd been mmmuuuuuurrrrdddeeerrrreeeeddddd!"

Cut. Print. David loved it and that was good enough for me. Even if it did cost me my sweater.

Then there were the saddle shoes. From the get go David insisted I must have them. Audrey must have saddle shoes. Period. The end. Well, in Seattle for some reason this proved to be almost impossible. But he was relentless and eventually the wardrobe got a pair of white oxfords and painted the black on them.

My own custom shoes. Cool. I never got it really until we did my first shot and I came out of the lodge and hoped into my limousine. The first time I did it much too fast. David lovingly instructed me. He encouraged me to sashay out, hop in the car with my feet still out of the car on the ground, stay there a few beats, then swing them into the car and close the door. I think he even did a shot of my shoes, they got their own close up.

I just showed up and did as Dr. David told me to do. I knew I was clay in the hands of a master and all I could think was.....finally. Finally I get to work with a true artist. I hate to use that word as it is so overused especially in this bullshit business. But he is truly one. Did I say I love him????

There are so many more memories....snow on the ground.....much times spent with James......avoiding parties and Kyle a bit on the make.....I even had an emergency wisdom teeth removal during the filming. But that is all for now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

With eyes to see....

Is it me or is the world and life SO much more difficult than its ever been. I felt sick at some of the weird responses to my last post and kind of went into hiding. I begin to question if this blog is smart to put myself and my truth out there. You see, it is fragile. Like me. I am just a fragile and somewhat lost person bumping around a crazy world.

Then I miss having a place to share. When I hear others experiencing similar things, I feel a little less crazy. I remember that a lot of this is the sign of the times. I guess I am still contracted. I sit here and do not know what to write. It just does not feel as safe somehow. I am too sensitive. I need a thicker skin.

I will carry on nonetheless.......

I sometimes can step so deeply into the moment that it brings tears to my eyes. All the beauty that is here. All the beauty that the screaming hall of scholars in my mind (as I am fond of calling them) DROWN it out. But when this feeling the moment occurs, I feel so free. So thankful for everything. I can really see the trees, the flowers, feel the air, hear the sounds and reject nothing. The way life itself does this. It rejects nothing.

Why is man so arrogant? Why do we accept what we like and reject all else. Like chopping off the Dobermans tail and ears. Oh yes, it SO much better that way. WHAT? I had the horrible misfortune of taking my brothers dogs puppies to the vet to get their tails and their duke claws snipped off.

I unfortunately did not get out the door quick enough to avoid the agonizing squeals as they did the deed to one of those poor puppies. The sound haunts me to this day. It is my silence of the lambs.....

It was similar to my baby Christian James first birthday party. It was planned stupidly NOT in our home and was a disaster for too many reasons to go into. But as we left the house and were packing up our car to escape....... I could hear all the balloons we had ordered for the party being popped, killed, destroyed, again and again.

It SO brought back these moments of horror for me and confirmed that this was not the place to have had my boys party. I did not listen to my instincts. I try to do better with that now.

The instinctive/conscience voice is a quiet voice and usually the first thought that arises. Then the mind and the ego come charging in, hot on its trail and desperate to create a problem/drama that it can now solve.

It is quite a trip being a human....being. With all my years of searching, it is still hardest to turn knowledge into being. And silly of me most likely to feel there is something I can do to make this happen.

It seems in this moment in my life, everything leads back to the fact that I have zero control over anything. And I mean anything. That I never did and never will. That I am not breathing, I am being breathed.

It is so obvious when my heart does what it does with no help from me. All senses firing away with nothing to do with me. It is as I always come back to .....we are the miracle we are looking for.

Then why so sad and confused.....because for me this has not turned into being. But I have faith that it will. Life has not forgotten me or any of us. It will just never look the way that we think it should.

Its better.....but only with eyes to see.

I do completely believe the saying:

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

God bless.