I am in a funk. Funk's suck. That is a fact. In ones life we all will encounter many, many funks. Too many to count really. This particular funk came a few days ago, but had been hovering for the past week. Even as I was still on the beautiful island of Contardora, the funk- she hovered. Now she sits on me in full force. I am left feeling pinned to the floor, face in the muck....unable to move....
She is a miss-mash of a lot of different issues. Emotional ones, things still needing to process, old baggage as usual, worry for the future, lack of trust in the presence, smoking a little pot again. shit..... It seems as if everything has come crashing down. When I have been on a seeming high for the past month. Since D split up with me, starting TM, have had many synchronistic things occurring, maybe I have been too in your face honest.
Must be vigilant during this time, these observations not to use this stuff as a bat to beat myself down again.
I don't know where this line is. Being too honest, too blunt, too egotistically knowing I am right when I usually am not. It has been about a month and a half since my 6 1/2 year relationship ended. This is good. Bad. And very, very difficult. They come in waves. These feelings. Huge amounts of joy and freedom and honesty w myself. Then crashing about with such a strong tide I can barely catch my breathe. Total fear. Anxiety on top my fear. Utter fear of what am I gonna do?
As my Christian was home yesterday very sick, pale with the deepest red purple cheeks and lips. So warm and as still as night. He lay on the couch in the bed we made. And watched all his old shows on Sprout. Ones he watched when he was about 2. This too was not a good time for me and my relationship w D. IT all came rushing back.
That time for me was one of the most difficult of my life, the dark night of the soul. I had hoped for no more of those nights. But they come, the emptiness etched so deeply it aches. The sobbing so deep it has no sound, only a shuddering and shaking of the jaw. Open, open, open....gently tapping my heart as Robert had done.
"You'll put anymore holes in her over my dead body." A clear threat. It stopped. But there is always more to be accountable for. More refining to do. More cleaning of the mirror. I am not ever alone because my shadow, the creature is with me. Pink sparkling nails on a keyboard in what was D's office, now is mine and soon will become whatever the next occupant deems it to be.
I am scared. The funk brings with it a whole lot of fearful gunk. I am doing what I can. I am rewriting my second children's book at my dear friends encouragement. I see from D's astute observations and knowledge of me that I have been trying to rush through what is always a process and changes and evolves all the time. There is an essential need to truly adapt to these changes and evolvement. I have always hated change perceiving it as an unsafe place. And so I walk through the world like this most of the time.
I have loved raising Christian the past 5 years, yes even through the dark nights he was always with me. As was much as much as his 6 yrs would allow him to be. But the baby and I walked through it together. I have loved being away from the business. I have loved the normal life. I have felt pretty safe and taken care of by someone else for the first time in my life. After working since I was 17 and raising my Myles alone it felt so good to me. To my heart. Just mothering, watching bad tv, cooking and caring. And seeing my Myles more as well. For a long stretch. Seventh grade to graduation. I love this.
I am forever grateful........
I also love the two virtual strangers came together so quickly and we meant to walk through so many blessings together especially that of bringing in Christian James. That we have grown so much together. That we still love each other deeply. Making a pledge of true friendship as they raise the boy together separately.
It surely doesn't help that the world is crazy with full moons and all these eclipses. "Its just all gone pear shaped. ' As my Momma on Rude Awakenings used to say. Beloved Lynn Redgrave. RIP.
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ReplyDeleteBut I am doing MUCH better now.... that was a few weeks ago.... More writing to ome. I just realized I had forgotten to post it....so its behind the curve of this ever-changing and ever evolving life dream that we are living.
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DeleteMuch love and light to you and your family, Sherilyn.
ReplyDeleteI hope the storm passes soon. You have so much wisdom and insight into your own world and the universe in which we live in. The ability to be truthful with yourself and others around you can be a curse and a blessing at times. Continue to be patient with yourself.
ReplyDeleteDear Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteI truly love you. You have been part of one of the most intense periods of my life. Thank you for that. I wish you eternal bliss and love, X RM.
I know those moments all too well. I find blogging has helped me and I hope its helped you as well. I'm so glad you enjoy being a mama-I do too. I look fwd to reading your next posts! Happy Spring!! xox
ReplyDeleteIt was never obvious or clear why I loved him. It began with the realization that I could stare into his eyes without the self conscious shame I carried daily. Much later those knowing glances bloomed into simple conversations and then the routine of knowing that as time passed it became the moments of a history I had only seen enviously of others. I felt transformed, no longer the smug critic reviewing from the audience but a principal character in an unfolding mystery that was more real then anything I have ever felt. I no longer acted but inhabited my role and embraced the trajectory of this story of mine, so involved in the forward motion I wasted little energy on my past while outpacing the sadness and longing that have been the constant partners of my life travels.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with refusing to look back is that you often lose the ability to see forward. I proceeded blindly only knowing the now while secretly wishing the inevitable turn in this lovely road of mine would never come. He walked away slowly although my focus only on the next step made his disappearance seem great mystery. I often think it a dream of rivers, perhaps an ocean made entirely of the tears I have cried although the rain now falls mostly inside and in secret. I once floated above this sea believing foolishly I would never again feel the wet or cold. I now stare towards the horizon imagining a million floating bottles, each with their own message of sadness bobbing in the tide,each similar and yet unique in their desires to connect, each evidence that we walk the same direction but never the same path.
Dear Wendell,
ReplyDeleteYou are an exceptional and eloquent, poetic writer. I pray you share more of your words for the world to read. Truly.
Live to Love,
Sherilyn
Sherilyn you need a holiday, come to Scotland, keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteMuch love
Will
Loss knows no strangers, is not limited by boundaries. It creeps at the edges of profound joy and dwells within the seedlings of momentary happiness. He was born 14 years ago and I loved him like no other. My career became nothing but the means to an end, the barest of sustenance to again be with him, watch him grow, learn the quirks of his childish language and see the wold not through the damage of my withered heart but within the wondrous innocence of all things new. His moments became my own as they supplanted the sorrows of my meager childhood. He is now estranged and I am left finding my way back once again, now the detective examining the broken pieces of a dream for clues. The answer to this latest riddle, his lens was only mine to borrow. I read your sadness and know you if only through my own sorrows. One day we may read of one another's happiness and know that even if we have yet to find our own moment in the sun, joy , resolution and peace are just as possible as is our current despair.
ReplyDeleteW.
Then again, don't all parents eventually know this story.
ReplyDeleteWhite booms in
ReplyDeleteOn mournful shuttered eyes
A stinging squall
Of absolution
The pupil fights
With tightened grimace
A wish of prolonged night
And solemnity harnessed
Her contradiction
Makes for cerebral angst
For if she could retain
Moonlight
She would wave
Farewell to the sunWhite booms in
On mournful shuttered eyes
A stinging squall
Of absolution
The pupil fights
With tightened grimace
A wish of prolonged night
And solemnity harnessed
Her contradiction
Makes for cerebral angst
For if she could retain
Moonlight
She would wave
Farewell to the sun
Love and deep respect to you. Cher xoxo
ReplyDeleteI wish I had your gift, the gift of portraying your thoughts from your mind into words...if there is one word from every entry that comes to my mind as a theme, it's "searching" it always seems like you're searching in some form...I am. You are a beautiful writer, spiritual, a dreamer, beautiful and an amazing actress. I'm sure I'm forgetting something somewhere in there, always have and will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteSherilyn my poem printed twice!? Don't know how that happened? Just wanted to add after thinking more about how you think and see the world although we are polars apart we both share this planet and are one and the same from that perspective. As a person you can be so multi-complex in thought, you can literally go TOO DEEP. It can be scary. With my disorder I do this a lot. Yes it can be enlightening, but sometimes the weight of it makes you feel like you are drowning in the depth that your mind can take you, over everything. I regularly go to the church although I am not religious but just to de-clutter. It's quiet and respectful and when I am sometimes in a dangerous place mentally it can bring me back. Like rising to the surface after holding your breath under water for a long time. It's hard to express your own self sometimes because you don't often understand it yourself to convey it. But my mind can be a huge enemy to myself. I have to simplify. That often means going into the most vacant minded state where nature is just doing its thing for you. Often times, the less I force, the better things are because nature I think will decide. It's in the hands of the universe. Stay safe. You're not alone. Cher xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSherilyn - Hope this finds you. I have been following as best I can, yet have been negligent in communicating. No excuses other than still being a hectic executive who travels quite a bit and gets caught up in the hodge podge we call daily living. Enough of that. You are a favorite Michigan girl who has positively impacted the lives of many here in Michigan as well as around the world. I feel a stronger connection since I remember you as a young girl being whisked around the local music scene here in Michigan, having met your family members numerous times and a very good friend of mine was the studio engineer at Hideout Records during those days. I am truly sincere in that ups and the downs are a product of our experiences and environment growing up during our "becoming aware" years. Sometimes, I have wished to be able to wave a wand and perhaps make these formative years more positive for you.....but then you might not have had the great experiences and impacts to others that you have accomplished so far during your lifetime. I truly wish that you experience many more positive things in life than the negatives. Negatives are a bummer, truly do cause funks and in many cases raise questions of where do I go in the future. Please know, as others have said in posts, that many are behind you in support.....and I for one, feeling a little more connected because of geography, time, and the circumstances revolving around your time in Michigan, believe your inner strength, creativity, sensitivity......will continue to prevail in keeping your life positive. StanTheMan would have feelings otherwise if this were not true. Best Wishes Sherilyn....the light will keep shining on the path. Hopefully, another certain piece of literature is still in the works.
ReplyDeleteCher,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading what you wrote I accidentally erased it....I am so upset. Please write again.... I have missed you and you always touched me with what you share.... I am sorry, it was in my haste to read it all and respond.... Please write again. I await this.
OF what I did read....we are all connected. It matters not where we live, or what silly dream we are living while walking through this glorious life. It does matter that we connect, share, love and yes live. Even when it is not so fun or easy. Please resend or write to me
Live to Love,
Sherilyn
Hello precious. I've missed you too. But you're the kind of person that's become a part of my life map. But like gaining an extra line on your forehead. Now that's not remotely negative. My definition of beauty is not the perfect lip stick and carefully constructed eyeliner. When you are older there's so much more grace about it if you really are in the right place with your heart in-line with your mind. Not where the two are divided and in conflict. But bringing the two together and saying 'ok I'm not making anymore excuses or pretending when I don't agree inside'. That takes real examination to do this. To accept yourself but forgive the mood you are immersed in. I'm not sure which post you deleted sweetie I can see all I've posted have come up on your blog?! I'll mail you anyway but I'm just streaming my thought out here. There comes a time where you just let things go. You have to. You can't hold onto a space that's killing you inside it will take you under never to be seen again. You have so many similar mood to mine and yet we don't know each other (technically) but I get choked up by your hurting a. Again this isn't negative. Sorrow can also teach us so many valuable things. The hardest is being able to have some control. This is where I lose. This is my weaker game. But you know Sherilyn you can tell how much you have suffered maybe on your own I am guessing?! Correct me if I am wrong but I think you have a torturous mind. I understand that concept. Your questions you ask yourself are multi-complex. But shows a very insightful character who is trying daily to understand what floods in. Don't drown please I am a good swimmer and I have a nice boat. I'll mail you. If you are in the same contact I have used for you in the past?! I'll try you anyway. Lots of love and deep respect Cher xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteIf I had a nickel for every funk I've been in, I would be the richest person in the world. But, you fight it. Even when you feel like there's no fight left you keep pushing. Eventually the funks subside and you feel normal again. I feel like with each time I find myself in these cycles (as I call them - I swear I'm bipolar) I'm stronger. The horrible downs give me the skills to cope with the downs to come. Thankfully I'm off medication, but there are always going to be those funks. I don't know why I keep ranting on, and I'm sorry about that, but I know what it's like to feel that way.
ReplyDeleteYou write so beautifully and I love reading what you share with us. Thank you for that.
-Olivia
Beautiful entry, and I'm so happy things are already brighter. I love writing- it puts in clear perspective for us how unpredictable life is. The dark times sure seem longer, so records are important.
ReplyDeleteAll the best!
Dear Sherilynn,
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing that such a tough moment for you could be just what it took to inspire such faith for someone else. You reminded me that I'm not alone - the isolationist in my head just likes me to THINK I am. Once, I called you because I couldn't get out of bed, the dark dog of depression was too heavy to be moved. You replied to me, " Do you HAVE to get out of bed today?" The answer was no - I had no obligations to meet, etc. Immediately, the sting of shame died away. You are truly my sister in Light. May angels light your every step, even the teeniest tiniest ones! xox, www.thelazyangel.com
Amber, Santa Monica
Hey Sherilynn,
ReplyDeleteI know your probably fed up with this blog shite, but I discovered your page recently and like the name (puns and roses) and it would really be a trippy thing if you were to just say hello if you ever pick this up....no big deal...just one of those things on the wish list and it might be just crazy enough to work...the quickest way is through...anyway, this is weird virtual nonsense and im acting on a complete whim...take it easy. this is a picture of graffiti of George Bernard Shaw btw, in Dublin, were im from
Paul