I am learning. I am growing. I am grateful. I am seeing I don't need as much as I sometimes like to have. I am caring more about others and what I put out into the world. I am loving myself more. Everyday. I am now doing TM. Because David Lynch aka DKL has yet again extended his hand to me and changed my life. He is an angel in my life. I suggest all people have a daily practice to go inside as the outside world is a bit crazy these days.
There are days when I feel as though I can barley move. The energy is so strong. Things are going on that we cannot even know or process on a intellectual level. The only peace of mind is to know that it is not personal to you. It is happening to all living creatures on this planet. Things are righting themselves, I believe. Getting balanced and put into the correct order.
Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. This is what I keep verifying in my life. It never comes on my timetable and it never looks like I think it should but shit happens. And I am forever grateful. For me there is no hell as in a place where you go when you sin as my Catholic upbringing would have me believe.
To me hell is living here with no awareness that we are ALL loved and cherished. That every hair on our head is counted. That we are protected and carried. Only always, in all ways. This does not mean we will not experience suffering. We will. Birthing a child is the best gift one can receive but a woman does not do this without experiencing a depth of pain that is beyond word. Especially if you do it naturally as I did with my first born.
We run from this pain in various ways. But wherever we run, there we are. We actually make it worse that way. Let it be. Let the pain go all the way through you and it will pass . And make room to have a deeper love and a deeper joy. The places where pain carves into us makes room to feel deeper positive things.
And always remember, this is just a dream. A beautiful dream. I know sometimes it feels like a nightmare. But that is usually when we fight and decide that things should look or be different. When we lack acceptance. When we look outside for someone or something to fill us.
A wise man said wash a cup and be present and you are awake. Find the sublime in the seeming mundane. Perception is everything. Stop blaming your childhood, your teacher, your spouse, your friends....even yourself. Become a warrior. A gentle warrior.
Yes, it s razors edge. So what. There is no better way to spend your time than getting real with yourself and all those around you. Let all the masks fall. Make it your goal to be authentic in all of your encounters. This is a key to freedom. To joy. To all these beautiful things that are literally your birthright. This is how the powers that be intended us all to live. We just got it wrong. Made some mistakes. But it is a new day. Rejoice. Make a different choice. Right now.
There are many wonderful books and sources for us to support ourselves as we change. As we rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I am reading a few books but the one that is really resonating with me and helping on so many levels I will share.
Shambhala: The sacred path of the warrior by, Chogyam Trungpa
Life changer. Game changer. Jump on board. Haven't you suffered enough. I know I have. And I know I will again. But as I grow I deal with it all different. I allow it. I try to not run from it and when I do, I catch myself and turn to face whatever it is that needs my attention and intention.
Its a new dawn. Its a new day. Its a new life for me......and I'm feeling good......
Nina Simone
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Its so nice to hear someone else who is aware of themselves, their humanity, and their existence in the world. So many...too many...just pass life by not reflecting on much of anything. Just complaining and working and dying. I wish more people would reflect-it helps you grow in every way possible. I wish you continued reflection and much blessings! xox Bunny
ReplyDeleteJust read this Sherilyn. Reading it makes me remember how I was trying desperately to be someone other than myself in my 20's. I am 36 this year. I've come a long way. Looking back I think how the fuck did I get through some of that heavy shit? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I am here, although sometimes I wish I wasn't. I call it ambushing. You get ambushed from nowhere or the high flying feeling suddenly becomes a state of nothing. You can't deal with people, shopping, the telephone the tv, you just suddenly want just want everything off your back. You don't even feel like a person. In my 20's I just didn't know who the hell I was and I kept changing to meet the company I was keeping. Being what they wanted me to be. I had such little self-worth that I traded my soul in for fake shit. Now in my 30's I can see clearer although like you say the crashing storms don't ever leave you just try and deal with them when they arrive. I now realize how to be a decent human. The best thing you can do is never lie to yourself first and foremost and I did this for a long time. I always believed others were better than me. Plus I have some complete bastards far too much credit because I was afraid to me myself. Now I say fuck it. The world outside is fucking crazy. You go out there and as so much delusion, betrayal, people consumed by presenting an image. I always weigh up someone's eyes. I can see a lot of times if the laughter is not matching the eyes. Like what's coming out the mouth is protecting the utter despair behind the eye. Sometimes I've told a person I can't look at you the pain in you is paramount. And because I feel so much before I have heard a word from them, I am not surprised later on when the tears come. I think that's a gift I have but only because I have been totally honest with myself. You are so similar to me in how you self-counsel because that's what we are doing even when we talk/write to others we are also counseling ourselves or trying to convince ourselves we can do this. Sometimes it really is a way to try and find justification for how we feel. Sometimes it's like we are almost apologizing to ourselves for our failings/shortcomings/craziness. I used to think when I was putting my make-up on to go out, doing my hair, trying to impress people was kind of owning something powerful. My god not anymore. Instead I am overwhelmed by a quiet morning, not a person in sight, not the sound of a car and the kettle boiling :) I send you so much love and kindness. Cher xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteThere is deep wisdom in what you say here. I have been trying to get my meditation group to see this (to say nothing of my children!). We have a largely incorrect view of what Nirvana is, assuming it's either a place we could go to/end up in, or that it's a steady state that once achieved you have all the time.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly have the potential for accessing it at any moment, so in that sense you carry the seed of it with you all the time. But it's not some special state that is only accessible by the few or by the undamaged. I've recently written a post about this, and I hope it supports you. http://usbuddhist.blogspot.com
I wish you all ease.
I've looked into TM before, but I don't really understand it.
ReplyDeleteI really try so hard to just get a little piece of mind. I think about it seriously, as pragmatically as I can, trying anything that the world gives me the opportunity to. I'm thoughtful and self aware, and conscious of my consciousness, but really being eyes open to this world is much more of a downer than an uplifter in my experience. I try to tap into this inner peace people are always talking about. But maybe whatever makes that possible can be broken, and it is in me.
In 30 years of life I don't feel any closer for all the looking, all the contemplating, and all the exploring than I did when I was 15. If I could go back I'd tell that younger version of myself not to waste time on the negative stuff society tells us is exciting. The only thing really worth a damn is music.
All the searching and so far that's all I got. Music that sweeps me away is the closest I've ever felt to peace.
Oh, and on that note, since you recommended a book I'd like to share an album that really gives me that feeling I was describing. Check out Grizzly Bear's album Shields, it's really cinematic and really sweeps me up.
ReplyDelete[If the embed fails here's a link guys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?nomobile=1&v=bteY_fs3Y18]
Would love to hear more about your children's book.
ReplyDeleteHello Sherilyn, I hope you get this message. I am Sara Fischel, the Costa Rican who attended the acting workshop. I want to share with you the pictures and a text I wrote about it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.delefoco.com/Default.aspx?action=article-view&id=184
I am in Costa Rica now. I will be working to make enough money and go to LA as soon as I can, do castings and make my way there. I will contact you when I get there. My email is sarafischel@gmail.com.
My best wishes for you!
Glad you are better since the last comments. I was thinking of you today as I mentioned you in my blog. Hope you don't mind. Yes, Lynch tells anyone he see about TM. I used to do yoga so I'm sympathetic. Maybe TM will help you with that book. Like I said, all the Twin Peaks fans would buy it, and I think that's a lot.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you've seen this site. You must have, but anyway here's an interview of DKL I'm fond of. I hope he collaborates with Barry Gifford again.
http://welcometotwinpeaks.com/lynch/david-lynch-new-movie-again/
cheers
Wow! Thank you for posting, Sherilyn. I am inspired to share so much!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I love connecting with you via this blog. So much going on in your life is parallel to my life, and I feel that is the case for many of the people who read & comment here. I'm glad to see you writing more. I also want to know more about your children's books and what has inspired you to create these. I manage TerraTonz, a start-up which musical makes & sells musical instruments (Starseed steel tongue drums & HandPans). However, my passion and background are rooted in writing and education. Somehow learning to play TerraTonz's instruments has placed me in closer contact with myself and has inspired me to weave my experiences with self-discovery, relationships and motherhood into a story I genuinely feel is worth telling. Parts of it are shared on my new personal blog www.creativekelli.blog.com. I invite you to visit & keep in touch. If you look in my list of favorite sites, you will see that Postcards from the Ledge is there!
In reading all your posts, I am most struck by your description of meeting David Lynch the first time and putting into practice with him the advice to genuinely be yourself, to give your real opinion of the script, to be natural and honest with your conversation. Much of the rest of your blog feels like taking a glimpse into how you have applied this philosophy to the rest of your life and into how that has gone in terms of coming across people and circumstances who are at differing levels of readiness to receive you as you are. I wish you well and feel you (& all those resonating with you) to be entering a space which allows for greater receptivity, acceptance, grace and creative fire.
Next, I feel inspired by Cher's comments to mention the Saturn Return. The idea is that, when the planet Saturn reaches the same point in the sky it was in at your birth, you are faced with an opportunity to make a major, life-altering choice which will allow you to step into your authentic self and release everything in your life which exists only because you THINK it should. The first Saturn Return happens around age 29, the second at 59 and the third at 89. I feel like Cher's comment touches on how it feels to navigate the first Saturn Return with strength and grace. :)
Finally, to Jen, THANK YOU for mentioning the benefits of music. Working with TerraTonz has shown me the impact that music has on people's minds, and I'm in the process of learning more about how to integrate the instruments we make with meditation. In addition to my personal site, I blog on http://www.terratonz.com about the ways that I witness music transforming people's lives, including mine.
I share this comment with love and the hopeful expectation of deeper connection.
Many Thanks,
Kelli Lynn
Hello Kelli, sincere thanks to you for your appraisal of my comments addressed to the lovely gentle warrior that is Sherilyn. I am a Liverpool girl. A writer. A poet. A bipolar sufferer. I have also survived rape and sexual abuse. I go to therapy. I refuse or battle to prevent being in victim mode. Yes it hurts. And things get me when I least like but it has not destroyed my faith in humanity. It's important to draw strength where you can and to strive to fill your life with positivity. I've many inner challenges daily but these I don't want to drown. I don't want others to drown. I work in medical field I deal with death and dying regularly and giving bad news. The point is that we need each other. We need to talk. It's been hard for me to talk about uncomfortable things from the perspective of the pain it takes up but the build of guilt and shame in my body had reached a point of screaming. I don't care who you are in terms of status, job, where you live. Those things are irrelevant. We are talking survival here. Not being afraid of your scars. And I am covered in them. But I won't stop for anyone. Society is so fucked up. How it makes you hurt yourself with its controlling messages. We can think for ourselves. So I am at a point where I don't need to pretend, I don't care what people think of me. For years I lived in constant anxiety state about everything I was. But forgetting others were doing the same! So here's to not being alone. Love and Respect Cher xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThis is all good stuff, including the comments by some good folks who understand that balance has nothing to do with the chronic avoidance of chaos; balance has everything to do with knowing your center, and how to float. A big pool of awesomesauce here. :-)
ReplyDeleteSherilyn, I don't know you. I'm just an longtime fan who was futzing around on the internet. I thought I'd spend this cup of coffee with you and echo some of your thoughts here. I recognize this is entirely for my own benefit. (laughing)
I'm a single father of four awesome young adults, who was left many years ago by an emotionally disordered wife (who subsequently married her boss). My own journey has taken me through many of the territories of fear that you speak of. Yes, we are all loved; however the struggle is often with the idea that those words seem hollow and theoretical sometimes, simply because self-love can be such a damned contentious relationship.
In a constant vigilance over the emotional health of my children, there's been a common theme: you have to set a place for yourself, at the table where you feed your loved ones. It's pretty easy to channel our feelings of love towards others (all that great gooey gooshyness), but to understand that we are just as worthy of our own love as they are - that can be a pain in the ass to hold onto.
Now, my ex had a history of childhood trauma that left her unable to relate to the children as they aged (she was great when they were babies). So, I spent a lot of time over-compensating and being an enabling daddymommy. We all ask ourselves, "what do we want for our children?" The best answer at least for me, was "I want my children to have the ability to create happiness for themselves, regardless of the circumstances, and to value their journey." I was guilty of trying to do this "for" them, and it was damaging to our relationship. One day I realized why. I was teaching them an unintended side-lesson; that when you grow up, get a partner, and have children, your life is no longer important. You only exist to cater to the needs of others. I mean, seriously - what child would want to be an adult if that's all they have to look forward to?
So, I changed my approach. I had to show them by example, what it means to create happiness from within, that extends out to them. I joined them at the table of my own love, regaining their respect and admiration in the process (the love was, of course, never lost). TM was really helpful, as was reiki; not just the moments of meditation, but also the fun games we can play within ourselves to find our center, and our balance, when everything is just a crapstorm of chaos and loss. Especially in the early stages of my marriage's conclusion, it was just really helpful to be mindful that the benefits of love aren't evident unless we're willing to drink from our own cup.
Sure, I'm rambling, but this is for me, haha. I'll just wish you well and leave you with a nice Carlos Castaneda quote:
"For the average man, the world is weird because if he's not bored with it, he's at odds with it. For a warrior, the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable.
A warrior must assume responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous time."
Cheers!
Phil
Great post/response Phil, I have two children ages one and 3, my wife and i have decided to get a divorce as we don't want them growing up with two unhappy souls. I am sacred to be an unmarries and single dad. I too want to teach my children to feel happiness from within, through art and through love. I'm not even sure what I am going on about. Going through a lot and your post touhced me.
Deletechristian
Thank you very, very much for this share Phil.....it is wonderfully honest, enlightening and moving. I have learned from it and I am truly grateful. God blesses you.
ReplyDeleteLive to Love,
sherilyn
xxxooo
aww, gwarsh - best cup of coffee I've had all month!
DeleteHave a fantabulous week,
P.
You are my favorite actress ever. The world is a better place with you in it.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am a writer and for reasons I would rather explain via email was looking for you on the net and found this. It is a very interesting blog and you write well. So forgive the intrusion but could you drop me a line at brianwhitneywriting@gmail.com? I have something I would like to run by you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI landed here after reading the story of ''Boxing Helena'' and I want to congratulate you for your persistence to be simple. :) All the very best and keep shining. I hope to see you soon in a new film.
ReplyDeleteSherilyn,
ReplyDeleteSince you made a comment about sharing my writing, I thought I'd share this Memorial Day tribute with you. No need to post this since it is off topic, just something I thought you might like to read.
My father was a veteran of as many wars as they bothered to have by the time he was of age, doing his duty and then apparently somebody else's as well. All of that valor ended up tucked away in his soldier's footlockers the day he quit the armed services knowing that he was due another tour of duty, another stint in Viet Namm after having been in Korea, and the Pacific engagement in World War II. He bore the scars of those battles mostly hidden including stab wounds on his back from a bayonet sneak attack he suffered while trying to eat some canned beans in a thicket of bushes believing he was safe and unseen. He told me he found the will to live and fight on through the anger of seeing his only reward for walking non stop through a foreign land spill to the ground, his hands trembling from hunger. He fought on, a chain of deaths stretching behind him as if weather vane pointing towards a grim future in far away places. The destinations began to matter little, just another place where death was cheap that spoke a different language that somehow he was blessed to comprehend and learn quickly. His story was invariable save the different country, some place our nation thought might need the help of the most massive fighting force the world has ever known. He would parachute in, hide his radio in some convenient underbrush, dispose of his uniform and enter the closest village as a migrant looking for work in the fields. Eventually after a hard day of picking or planting he would sneak away towards his radio reporting the talk of troop movement and political opinion swaying the country. At the time, I imagine he had no idea his reports were the precursor to larger battles yet to come. He only knew he could be killed if he were discovered on his nightly crawl out of town, sometimes as long as half a mile before he would choose the dignity of walking upright in the moonlight. This secret life trained him to keep the larger sadness that welled within him, the learned sorrow of a soldier that had seen things no human should ever lay eyes upon. When he finally admitted his limit he never again set foot on an airplane believing that the wind that bore good will in ferrying him away towards safety would next swallow him whole in fiery inferno, perhaps in retribution for surviving while so many friends and strangers had fallen. "No one retires at 24 years and 9 months..." I would hear those that understood the pension system for the military saying in disbelief. But quit he did rather then chance not seeing his son of ten grow to the man that thinks of him daily since his passing. He made another life far from the approaching echo of armed battle replacing the frenzy with a nightly bottle of whiskey and then substituting that liquid for the waters of family existence and the normalcy of weekend fishing trips. If his medals meant something when he gave up the life of a soldier, they were slowly doled out to his children as playthings becoming nothing more then something to lose on the playground. In that way, he gave away the last of his pain and joined the community of the living that we so often take for granted. I hardly thought of his military life until the day of his funeral when the Air Force sent a color guard to thank him for choosing to die if needed. The riflemen fired their shots into the sky and a woman sergeant kneeled presenting a folded flag to my mother, tears in her eyes as if she knew him personally. I believe she wept because of the many people who gave tribute to my father's life so few had mentioned his life in uniform giving her hope that away from the battleground, soldiers come home and eventually with time are allowed the grace of a good life absent the urgency of war.
I am not sure my comment posted - but Shambhala is a great book, as well as "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism". Both have really stood the test of time and pulled no punches. Great to see you getting alot out of them and sharing
ReplyDeleteDear Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteIf you are allowed to understand, you'll agree that integrity is the basic virtue a emotionally receprocative being (man or God) ought to have or exhibit, cause, without integrity, there is no knowing who one is really. If there is a creator for this universe, who can take up the label called GOD,that being (not force) must be perfect in sense and goodness (virtues), strength, knowledge, wisdom, eternal, big, relational and be sovereign to decide on origin, purpose, meaning and destination of everything He Himself created.
If that's agreed on, the creator must also be the entirety of goodness (Love, Joy, Hope, Peace, Comfort, Patience, Integrity, Mercy and Justice..). As much as to be the personification of all those virtues.. Hence we know that 'God is love'.. Similarly, God and his word are one if God is the personification of virtue: Integrity. IF God is Perfect then His word is Perfect.. But if God is not perfect himself... then the world we live wouldn't have been created and sustained with such intricate design... life would have ceased long back if there is bit of badness in this creator of ours.
If His word is perfect, then we know that Jesus (God's word who became flesh to relate with us) mentioned of Hell as a real tangible place.. he didn't mention it as some concept.
In addition, If Heaven is a place where there is fullness of God, then Hell is a place where He chose not to exist. If Heaven is a place where we get to experience the reality and fullness of this creator God.. and be like Him with fullness of love, joy, peace, comfort, patience, fairness, holiness, mercy, justice, hope and life.. On the contrary, Hell is a place where we would not have God.. so we would have a bit of Love (Lack of love, hurts), No Joy- which leads to sadness and anguish,there is no peace- which results turmoil and strain, No comfort- leaves us with pain and suffering, No Patience- leads to strife, No Hope- leaves us with fear, No Mercy- leaves us with punishment, No Life- leaves us with constant death.
I plead with you not to go about hearing every whimsical fantasy of a generation of people who in their attempts to console their guilty conscience, create gods that they could define and control, or bluntly deny the existence of the Creator God.. or even more foolishly say that the universe came into existance by a 'Force' there by shredding the idea of a personally relatable creator God. We all mess up our lives.. we are designed with a urge to err.. The only way out as expected of us in our designer is to rely on our creator and allowing this smarter creator and lover to guide our life's decisions.
People go to a place (Hell) where there is no God at the end of their lives not because of what they have done (we all everyday sin).. but because of what they haven't done.. rely on their creator and submitting themselves under him who is ready to forgive and restore a relationship with him.. if only we can accept our waywardness and apologize and turn to him.
Religion doesn't save, Relationship with the creator does !
I love to talk to you further... but I trust if you choose to seek out the one who has the guts to call Himself The WAY, The TRUTH and The LIFE... I know you'll find the way, truth and live.
No holier than you are .. In fact way too messed up.. but, I'm here as a beggar who found some good bread, telling others what I'm shared with.
I happen to see one of your movies: Of Mice and Men.. only yesterday night, and looked you up on google for the first time.. I'm John, 32, Melbourne... you can write back to me: John.Tadigiri@gmail.com or call on +61415355080. I really wish to see you on the otherside if not here..
Much love,
John