No state is sustainable. Every thing and every moment is transient. This is a huge challenge for me. If you don't like change, in a world that constantly changes, its gonna be a bumpy ride. I try to free fall into it all. Realizing I don't have any control, nor did I ever.
Too much change and instability as a child planted these seeds in the soil of the personality this life. Now as an adult I work to pull these weeds from my garden. Sometimes I am able, other times I still need to work at it. I see the announcement of a deep seeded issue when I have a big reaction to someone or something. The bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. So life points the path out to me and all of us in this way.
Yet, most choose to not see it. They choose instead to blame those close them. Unable to truly know and see themselves, unable or unwilling to identify and drop the mask of their incomplete self. Its almost as if they hold on as tight as they can to an image they created of who they need to be in the world. No matter how deep this lie goes.
It is like we go through life with our ego in the driver's seat. And it rips little pieces of other peoples personalities, external wealth or fame, way of seemingly being in the world. Like ripping pictures from a magazine. I want these eyes, this kind of nose, these lips. I want these clothes to cover this type of body. Imagine what that picture looks like. And abstract, mishmash of nothingness. Certainly not real. Just an imaginary person. That is the person one wants to walk through life as ?????? Not me.
I was talking to a friend of mine awhile back. He shared that I was emotionally immature. He had the grace of sharing a lot as we are similar but we laughed about it all. I realized he was right. I am emotionally immature. The paradox was that as I saw this and admitted it for the first time to myself and then to others.....THAT was a big step towards emotional maturity. This is the trippy and paradoxical way the world works. I love it.
I am a walking contradiction. An eternal paradox. What can be true for me in one moment can change entirely in the next. I am just an ever-changing human in this way. I allow it. And sometimes I judge it. Am confused by it. So what is wrong with being confused. When I used to tell my dear Roy London.....I don't know!!!! His reply was always....Oh good!!!! Now we can begin.
I have been so blessed in my life for many years to have had wonderful teachers come in. To show me the way. Even when I did not learn what they spoke of until years later. I stilled learned it. I learn everyday and am grateful for that. I feel them and I hear them and I know they are and will always be with me. Life is a beautiful dream. Our loved ones never really leave us.
It saddens me how many masked people I encounter everyday. Even many close to me. I choose to not wear this mask. I choose to explore and embrace all aspects of myself. Even those that some would say are ugly or horrific. I choose to live a whole life. And that may be lived alone as so many choose to hide and cower form truth. Even their own blessed one.
When one does not live that way they are judged and condemned by some. They are blamed and considered a loose cannon. A cannon that blows to shreds untruths that it encounters. And so it is. This is my path. Even when I am not right, which is often. I am always right in revealing, allowing and sharing MY truth.
"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are really princesses just waiting to see us just once be beautiful and courageous. Perhaps everything terrible is, in its deepest being, something helpless that seeks our help."
Rainer Marie Rilke
Within this shadow, this part we hide from, is great beauty and treasure beyond belief. To hide from ourselves is a dangerous game. It is to live half of a life. It is to never truly know oneself. It is the "not to be" of "To be or not to be." It is a tragedy. I choose to be.....
There are no chosen people as I hear some religions say. We are ALL chosen. We are all the same. No matter what you do, where you live, how much money you have or make. We are all in the same boat dealing with the same stuff.
I pray you begin the journey of removing your mask so as to live a more complete and glorious life. It is not easy but nothing worthwhile is. And like everything, it is as difficult as we make it.
Live to Love.....yourself first.....xxxoooo
Rilke.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like we almost had major life event sadness concurrently. Sorry about that, won't happen again. I do, however, need 24 hours notice; major life event sadness is pretty easy to come by, but, you know, not enough hours in the day as is.
I'm delighted to see we're on the mend.
My life is split down the middle, give or take, with a few interludes, by time here and time in LA. Here, I'm content; in LA, I'm ambivalent, which is not necessarily a bad thing. At all. These masks you describe, LA, how would we say this, there seem to be many more masks in LA than here. And I don't know you can survive there without some ego, or at least a strong sense of self. I couldn't anyway.
Maybe LA chewed me up and spit me out. I don't know. Fortunately, my bailiwick doesn't require that I be in LA anymore. Sometimes, though, I really miss it. Made some excellent friends there (another large stroke of luck which I am grateful for; I hear LA can be really, really lonely).
In any event, yeah, I'll see ya next breakdown at the Tiki Ti. We'll have a Stealth, but just one (although I am coming from altitude, so I might permit myself two).
Be well.
It's such a shame the direction we've taken as a species. There's so much ridicule in a world where we're still young. It's like children running the family business, by shouting over each other.
ReplyDeleteIt's so important to be open minded. It protects the spirt from the contaminents that exist in our lives which distort and cause disharmony amongst us.
We're part of a vicious circle. You can pass a school and know someones getting bullied. We should remember how to love each other. The world could be a magical time
Really felt the impact of that. You sound like you are floating in the atmosphere. It's very buoyant. So yes as you know Sherilyn I'm dancing with a lot of self pity at the moment. Shit as it is but true. But reading what you just said kind of made me forgive myself for my wallowing nature. There's a very big part of me that is seduced by solitude. I have learnt more from my solitude than from outer influences. The ability to focus on thankfulness. Gratitude for simplicity. To enable to put things into perspective away from clouded judgement. You talk the divine nature of connection. The invisible holding of hands. That we are indeed all fighting the same fight. That in turn makes us all "one" and not divided. Essentially yes. But we have not all experienced each others paths. Maybe similar paths but not exact copies. My compassion for others is what keeps me alive. As you know I have Bipolar. My best friend is Sylvia Plath. I say that because I feel her even though she passed this life in the 60's. her poetry hits me in the chest and steals my breath. And yet she suffered as I do. With the fight to not self-destruct completely. Sometimes I feel like the air itself and that there is no skin covering. The air seems to touch me with such a delicate hand that I lay under a tree and just let it stroke me into a sleep. You talk of masks and I say to you I have many. Some parts of life require this. This does not mean that I am not genuine this means I am protecting myself. Once I feel I can remove this barrier I do so. So the mask is more of a shade. I mean this physically. I'm quite shy face to face. So I hide in a little shade. I take time to enunciate. To feel the other person. Their energy. As for myself there is no mask no lie. But I am not light. I deal with darkness daily. I struggle with holding positivity and yet why try and hold anything? You can't. Not a person or a thing. You cannot hold you have to feel, see, collect the moment, for its all just passing through.xxxooo
ReplyDeleteMy dear....all I have as all we all have is our direct experience. So that is what I share. It is not meant to lessen anyone else's. IT is simply my truth. And this is my blog. So what else would I share???
ReplyDeleteNo one's experience is better. Like one color is not better than another, except in the eye of the egoic beholder. All are beautiful to me. Even the ones oneself's deem as awful, lees than, negative or whatever.
I too feel things so deeply. ANd feel that skin is not a cover enough so on some level there are places where are experiences meet.
God blesses us all. With eyes to see and ears to hear. Inherent in ALL expressions of God is "good and bad".......
Live to Love,
Sherilyn
xxxooo
Sherilyn...I have wanted and needed to contact you for so very long now. I just haven't felt the strength enough to begin. I simply didn't want to waste another day just thinking about it, while time just passes by.
Delete"If not today....When?"
I feel so empty, alone, and winding in the wind.
My spirit has been stepped on, and for so long i have felt you are my connection to understand. I am not sure you will get this directly, that's why I have delayed so long. So, I hope you do, and contact me on gmail.
rolandgn@gmail
xoxos
Ego is such an amazing and interesting thing. It doesn't exist as a real thing, and yet we work so hard to buffer it!
ReplyDeleteYour comment that so many people don't see through this veil and choose to blame others is such a key aspect. I have often puzzled over why this is. One idea I had is to consider our senses. Our senses are directed outward. You see, hear, smell, and touch things outside ourselves. Even tasting, which requires a merging of outside and inside is thought of as tasting something that came from outside. So because our senses are directed outside, this creates a deep assumption that we're supposed to look in that direction to find happiness.
At a very primitive level this may be true. We are alert (evolutionarily) for stresses and dangers outside ourselves, such as predators. We seek food and shelter outside ourselves. But once we stopped needing to worry about what might be hiding behind that bush and where our food might come from, we didn't stop constantly scanning the environment to see what "bad" things might cause us stress or what "good" things might bring us some enjoyment.
This basic assumption that we look to things outside ourselves isn't one we even notice, usually. Yet it explains so much. We worry about what might happen tomorrow, or how to avoid someone who annoys us. We seek the newest toys and entertainment. But this just keeps us on the treadmill, running and running, but staying exactly where we are. Progress can really only happen once we step off of that treadmill and realize that both happiness and suffering come from within, not without. Bad things will happen to us - that's inevitable. But we usually replay them over and over, blaming others, and this just keeps us stuck in the suffering.
Sherilyn, it gives me great joy to see that you are seeing through the charade. It's funny that you talk of masks. We usually forget that the word "person" comes from the Latin persona, which means the mask that actors used to cover their faces in a play. So our idea of becoming a whole or real person is quite ironic (as Alan Watts pointed out) - we are trying therefore to become a real fake!
It takes great bravery to give up the mask. You have much more support in this than you will know.
Dear Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteForgive my coming to the party as a stranger, but after reading this beautiful post, I felt that I had to say a little something. I think your words are so honest and speak very meaningfully about our human condition. I hope tons and tons of people read this and feel through your words what it's like to break out into the true freedom of living more genuinely, of letting down facades and accepting a vulnerability that comes with loving yourself and others.
Several years ago I read a book called Love the Life You Live, and some of the lessons I recall from that, you are illustrating so perfectly. It's giving me a renewed courage to just go out into the world and be the real me, be proud of who I am, feeling a deep, divinely bestowed significance that no one can ever take way.
Anyhow, it has been a blessing to read this post. Keep it up!
Your writing is so beautiful. I'm an aspiring writer and I've never quite read someone with such a deep insight before. Amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, you made me think of a favorite song, Billy Joel's 'The Stranger'.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnlvPoDU5LY
I've been reading your posts for a while now Sherilyn. New emotions, with new words. It might be strange, but they way you articulate yourself, it kinda makes me feel alive. It lets me feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sherilyn. There was always something special shining from you but I never expected anything like a blog, a window into your emotions and experiences. I am almost at the end of a long difficult road but the early steps were the worst, and there was no turning back. I didn't even realise I was on that road or what thorns lay in front but I'm about to reach the end. Now I am impatient but I don't regret the miles and nine years now. My soon to be 12 year old Angel is with me...and I owe her so much. I managed to get this far without bitterness, so feel blessed. Discovering this area is another blessing, so thank you for sharing your love, and spirit.
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you all who share back with me here your thoughts, feelings and life experience. I learn from them all.
ReplyDeleteGod blesses you all,
Live to Love,
S
Om Namaste.. the light in me honors the light in you..
ReplyDeleteborn into the song of life..
spirits free as children..
concepts appear as solid space and time.. though some may see the transience..
I had felt at some moments to be something of this world or somebody..
and now i feel like no one and nothing..space is infinite.. time forever..
i see one world and billions of perceptions walking around..
i see we as humans have always been as passing as the clouds in the sky.. flowing as water..
who am I? beyond an answer will only do.. because it's a feeling a resonance..
meditate.. sit or lay down.. this practice makes the mind not so troublesome as it may appear.. though that is to what is attention given to.. and yet all of this appears and disappears.. just like me.. in billions of somebody's there a few nobody's get to know nobody and you and everyone on the planet will be free of all the junk food of the mind.. om namaste..Goldeneagle
Hi Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the post. But I wanted to ask, in daily life what does refusing to wear a mask mean? Does it mean always saying what you think, regardless of whether it may not be what people want to hear? Does it mean refusing to conform to a way of doing things that you don't agree with? Does it mean always being open and honest and not concealing aspects of your personality or history that may be detrimental to success (whether romantic, financial, etc)?
M
It breaks my heart to see children live with fear inside every day. Wether it's war/hunger or parents drinking/fighting. These things are hard to understand and deal with later. I don't know how to get out of this bad circle and worst of all, I feel I have projected this to one of my own. The world is a difficult place to live, no matter if you are rich or poor. I hope I one day can have the ability to turn things around...
ReplyDelete‘Masks’ Ezra Pound, 1908
ReplyDeleteThese tales of old disguisings,
are the not strange myths
of souls that found themselves among
uninvited folk that spake in hostile tongue,
some soul from all the rest who’d not forgot
the star spangled acres of a former lot.
Where boundless mid the clouds his course he swung,
or carnate with his elder brothers sung
ere ballad makers lisped of Camelot
Old singers half forgetful of their tunes,
old painters color blind come back once more,
old poets skilless in the wind heart runes,
old wizards lacking in the wonder lore.
All they that with strange sadness in their eyes
Ponder in silence o’er earth quaint demise.
“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Oscar Wilde
ReplyDeleteSherilyn,
Your words are really astounding - and if Oscar Wilde is correct (and he usually is about human nature, even if tongue in cheek) you speak through a beautiful mask still to share yourself with us. Whether behind a mask or nakedly sharing your soul without one, your path of self discovery is engaging to say the least. Percy Shelley's Poem "The Sensitive Plant" is brought to mind - I hope you will read it (www.shelleyunbound.com) under articles, 2nd article. The openness of a soul on a lonely path of self discovery and a soul mate (Plato) is a process for us all - and maybe it is only the soul mate that we long for who hears/sees us without the mask? A thought from a fellow pilgrim, philosopher, poet,
Inspired and appreciative,
Dr SDdH
you know i watched twin peaks lately,i;m so impressed.since then i think about the characters most of the time!im 25 now,i guss you were 25 by then!last night i saw your pictures in net!it was so so strange!like the girls that i thought about her all the time doesn't exist realy any more!
ReplyDeleteisn't it too dreamy??
ps:excuse me that i dont know eng well...
A bit late in the game here; just watching Twin Peaks for the first time. Never was much of a TV fan. I have to admit I was fascinated by your character and the way you played her, but was surprised I hadn’t heard more about you, such a talented actress. So I googled your name and read your bio and became less surprised when I read about your distain for the Hollywood game. It’s a sad affair, but my respect for you and your choices increases proportionally to my dislike of the Hollywood money machine. Your beautiful blog reveals the thoughts of a deeply reflective and thoughtful soul. It’s nice to know there are those who place integrity before all else …
ReplyDeleteMy life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
~Michel de Montaigne
Sherilyn. The things you say, I understand them completely. What you said about change... About how if you don't like it, life is going to be a bumpy ride for you. I can begin to explain how true that is. I have been subject to change for as long as I can remember. I changed schools six times, lived in four different countries, and went through more change than I think any 16-year-old has ever been through, and when I say "been through" I don't say that with even a tinge of negativity, it's not meant to be a sob story, change is beautiful, and I think change is what chisels a persons mind, gives it shape and strucuture.
ReplyDeleteAs you rightfully said, if you don't accept the fact that some things just change, for better or for worse, your life will be a dark, bleak picture that you paint yourself into.
I really enjoy the things you write here, Sherilyn.
You have a beautiful philosophy of life. Living the present well is what will make us happy. Not being judgmental is really good. I accept each person as he or she is. Each one is good. I just went through your profile and your views on life. I wish you happiness and joy as you wish the same for others. You are a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteSherilynn I have read your entire blog tonight because I recently was reintroduced to your acting by watching reruns of Twin Peaks. I want you to know that i am praying for you to have a peace of mind so that you will be able to write a n awesome novel that gives a true, honest, and heartfelt account of your life. i can tell by your blog you have many great things to share. i wish holly wood had not close its doors to you and that i could have seen you make even more awesome movies. I totally enjoyed Audrey Horn and your portrayal of her. The beauty , the innocence and the bad girl aspects of the character made the show fun.
ReplyDeleteYour truthfulness and intimate authenticity in your blog makes me feel close to you because i to come from a heart of the same mold. I also at this point in my life feel that trying to be anyone then yourself is not living. thank you for reaffirming this to me several times in your blog, God bless you Sherilyn. may only good things be showered upon you.
Dear Sherilyn!
ReplyDeleteIt´s a great pleasure to read you! In our days, when the vanity reigns, it´s like a oxygen to understand that there are the persons like you. Truthly beautiful and honest, intelligent and kind.
Fenn,
ReplyDeleteTime for an update (nudge, nudge)!
Hi Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteFor some reason my original comment posted to an entry from last year, so I'm reposting it here.
We met this last Friday at the HorrorHound Con in Indianapolis. I’m the one who helped your assistant move the table, and then proceeded to cry when I told you how much you mean to me. I’m so sorry for making a scene. I thought I could hold it together, but then all my emotions welled up before I could stop them. I know you may not remember me since there were an awful lot of people who wanted your attention. But, I meant everything said; I have admired you since the Twin Peaks days, so…about 23 years? I was a little girl when Twin Peaks aired, but the show made a strong impact on me, and you especially. A girl needs to have strong, intelligent female role models and you were (and are) a force of nature! Still, it wasn’t until a few years ago when I found your blog that I began to really love you. While I don’t know exactly what it’s like to be you, I can relate to your internal struggle. I had a really hard upbringing too, so I think there are some shared experiences between us. Also, I’m a person that wears their emotions on their sleeve and it’s opened me up to a lot of hurt over the years. Being so open and honest about your struggle has actually helped me with mine. Like you’ve said before, we’re all connected. Your blog helps remind me of that. Maybe it’s sad that so many people can have so many shared experiences of pain, but it does feel better to know that we aren’t alone in our struggles.
I’m rambling, so I’ll just say thank you for taking the time to talk with me for a moment at the convention. Meeting you is up there with my wedding day in terms of happy, defining moments in my life. If you’d like to keep in touch, my email address in ElizabethCAndersen@gmail.com.
Thank you so much for being the amazing person that you are. You make a difference in other people’s lives and you are priceless gem of a human being.
Lots of love,
Beth
i love you sherilyn- even though im only 16 and from England, I think your an amazing actress.
ReplyDelete"Man is least like himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth"
ReplyDelete-Oscar Wilde
from which the inevitable conclusion is; Man's 'own person' is a lie. How truly you speak Sherilyn, and bravely, for that's the purpose of the mask - something to hide behind. A phrase that has always resonated with me from the great Truman Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's:
"....We wore the masks all the way home."
I thought at the time off reading it; yeah, I get that. What he's saying. Beautiful.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey! When you will write an another entry on your blog, little girl ?????
ReplyDelete:)
Dam/
Well written and thought provoking. Thank you for taking the time to let us in on your thoughts with this blog
ReplyDeleteSherilyn..I adore you and always have. I admire ALL of your talent and wanted to thank you for making me love movies. Your beauty aside, I find you to be amazing and your ability to capture attention is like no other. Always looking forward to your new work :)
ReplyDeleteSherilynn,
ReplyDeleteI just read in the Fairbanks News Miner that you're here in town filming. I am a HUGE Twin Peaks fan. I have a Twin Peaks tattoo and a few Twin Peaks inspired art pieces. I was hoping that perhaps I could meet you for a picture and autograph while you're in town?
Happy Birthday Shiny One!! We miss you!
ReplyDeleteHi Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteToday I realized that we think similarly although I was born 1990. I have always lived and believed I was an "alien". Not like the ones from space, but more like the i can't relate to anyone in my age group. I consider myself antisocial because I don't like the fact that technology which has allowed us to communicate easier in fact is what is pushing us apart from each other. It is eliminating genuine human response from the equations leaving us with a cold world. One where more conversations are taking place with fewer words being spoken. Social media makes people buy things they don't need. All while the "richer get richer poorer get poorer". Whats even crazier is people dont notice the further extent of the damage. From driving while texting to ending a relationship via text message. It just gets to me sometimes because I had an idea of what the world was when I was younge, and when I matured(Oh I apologize im 23). So what I end up with is a bunch of coworkers and "friends" who believe that I believe they are who they believe they are, but what really happens is I end up ending those friendships when I realize my message of be yourself isnt getting to them. Which in turn created the dilemma I live every so often of having to turn a page of "friends". Which I have gotten used to already. From moving back and forth from NY to Guatemala. I think I have turned about 5 pages already. With the rare exception of the friend who isnt wearing a mask. I can see them from a mile away and I tend to only show and feel like myself when I am around them. I also thought I should add that I have had the longest youth crush on you. I thank you for that. Also thank you for having this blog, and I hope my story teaches you something just like yours has to me. In a way we can't see or understand we have both changed each others lives. I really hope you read this. Sincerely Sergio
Transient Life in Twilight
ReplyDeletehttp://grooveshark.com/#!/s/Transient+Life+In+Twilight/2uwLAD?src=5
Please write some more blogs
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts are so refreshingly honest and your stories are so intriguing
Please write some new blogs
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts and stories are so intriguing and inspiring
Please continue to write more blogs
ReplyDeleteYour stories and thoughts are so refreshingly honest and inspiring.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteI just recently discovered you a few weeks ago by watching Twin Peaks on Netfilx. I am not done with it yet, but I've grown very fond of Audrey's character.
I wanted to find out more about you, and was happy to see you sharing your thoughts on here. I was also brought up in a very religious environment, but have grown away from that over the past few years. I am trying to learn more about spirituality rather than chapters and verses. I have also learned that David Lynch is into meditation, etc, and Twin Peaks is the first piece of his work I have encountered..(although I remember seeing parts of The Elephant Man as a kid). It's odd that I hadn't seen any of his movies, but I will be soon. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here. I'm sure you will continue to seek and find pieces to your life's puzzle.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sherilyn.
ReplyDeletewe all miss you at the beach meeting. life guard station 26
stop by if your every in the neighbor hood.we would love to hang out.I would love to hang out.I have a little boy i herd you had a girel. is that true? I am really excited to jump back in to acting we should work togather if you every need a Sean partner call me 310-430-4027 any time i also need to pratice.have a beautiful birthday love jen
This is a long shot, since it looks like you haven't been here in a while, but I'm going to take it anyway because I have a favour that is important to me and I hope you will find it important, too. First of all, I'm very excited to discover your blog and look forward to reading more of it.
ReplyDeleteHi, my name is Jordan Bell and I'm a Peaks fan from the beginning. I watched it and fell in love with the town and characters when it was first on TV, I bought the VHS box set, I bought the DVD box set, I've watched it on Netflix and now I'm rewatching it on BluRay with a very good friend of mine that has never seen it before.
Her name is Brianne and she was born the year Twin Peaks first aired (making her 23). I wasn't sure how she would react to the style of Twin Peaks, not having grown up with it like I have, but the draw of the story and particularly Audrey's character has made her a huge fan. When Audrey was trapped at One Eyed Jacks and we couldn't watch another episode for a few days, she made me give her a spoiler that Audrey made it out okay. She has also made me promise to seek out all of the movies that you are in once we are done Twin Peaks.
That all said, she is your newest fan, really, really loves your acting and character arc...how Audrey becomes more confident and takes control each episode. It would mean so much to her if I could get her an autograph or (long shot) a phone call from you to her. I'm not sure where else online to seek this out from you, but I'm hoping that this will reach you. IF you get this and can do so, it would be an amazing present for her upcoming birthday. She isn't materialistic, but loves human connection and this small gesture from you would mean the world to her. Brianne is an amazing, bright, loving person with an enthusiasm for life and people that is rare now days.
Thanks for reading this, if you can message me at insideinsanity91@hotmail.com, that would be spectacular.
On a personal note, Twin Peaks and the characters you and your friends played really helped shape who I am in this life. It is a mystery that I love reliving from time to time and I have exposed many to it's charms. I really hope to see you in the new series.
Thanks again,
Jordan Bell
Philosophy is one of the few things in life which gives me hope of peace. It opens up new gateways into pathways through and around life's obstacles without having to interfere with the flow. I think Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the political philosopher, sums up my perspective on your post when he stated that "[T]he world of reality has its limits; the world of imagination is boundless."
ReplyDelete- Jean-Jacques Rousseau