In the flaws is the perfection

Good morning Vietnam.....just kidding. It is an amazing time in the world I feel. It is time to keep having this creative sharing and outlet. I am not sure what this post is about but a voice, one of the many inside of me says its a good time to write.  I must begin to write on a weekly basis.

I am excited to be working again as an actress, my former life.  I am doing an arc (which means a few episodes) of the show Magic City on Starz.  My dear friend Mitch Glazer is the writer and creator. His gorgeous wife and partner on almost 20 years Kelly Lynch is on the show as well.  They have the kind of relationship I aspire to.

When I got the call I was ecstatic. I had in fact been praying that a good job would come my way. One with people I loved, I'd even settle for people that I liked, that was a good show. One that I just did a supporting role. I have no desire to carry a show anymore.

I also prayed  that I'd be taken care of on a real set instead of the little jobs of the past few months. Ones where there was not even a space to be alone. Nothing. Sometimes I was reduced to bringing my own clothes and doing my own make up. Sitting in my car with AC blasting to have a private space. Ridiculous.

It takes a lot of the fun out of coming together with adept people in the business and creating something worthwhile. Ego driven people yelling on the set at crew, not feeding people properly, paying them almost nothing. An unwillingness to collaborate. Again, too much ego. That never makes for a good experience.

Having been away from a real set has humbled me so. Now to even have a little space to call my own to prepare, I am so grateful now. Having some turkey on a craft services table, thrilled. A first class airline ticket, what???  People to come together with and help me create a character. I forgot it could be like this.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the jobs that came and I got to pay some bills. It is just that without the other things in place, it is really difficult. It does not honor the creative process at all. I mean, not even a small space to be alone???  And makes me feel like I am just whoring....to get the money for my family. But as a dear friend said, whats wrong with whoring to help feed the family.

I have spent much of the past 5 years with my son Christian, getting him therapy for his autism. The business had reflected for years at that point my own rejection of myself so it was a welcome change. Now to go back into the business its been if-y for me .....until this job.

Magic City  give the scripts weeks ahead of time so I can properly prepare. They even got me the entire 1st season so that I would know the tone of the show and assist my entry into this magical world.  They made me a dress. Put extensions in my hair to be correct for the era. My cup runneth over.

I told Mitch that he has pulled me out of the proverbial trash can this town put me in. I , now having more accountability realize as I said earlier. Everything is a mirror and I put myself there. With old, untrue beliefs from my childhood. Things that are finally dying. More specifics in a future blog.

I am grateful for all that has come and gone in my life. Everything. Oddly..... I feel I  learned most from the negative and ugly things. As they showed me parts of myself that somewhere deep inside I still was afraid might be true. That these things will always be a part of the tapestry of who I am is another thing I now accept.  In this acceptance there is so much freedom.

Speaking of whores......my character is based upon a famous Madam from the 40's-50's, Madame Sherri. I read her book. She called herself the Queen of Whoredom, so I have adopted it as my own nickname. Pleasure is my business she would say. IT was also the name of her book.

This is the opportunity for me to have a sort of healing. As with most roles I have played, they seem to always parallel my life. To play a woman of ill repute. A woman who is protective of the innocence she exploits. That in my career I did bring people pleasure. An ownership of my lineage. A healing.

I pray she, Madam Renee or Lady Renee as they call her in Magic City will be layered and people will like her and love her. But if they don't I don't really care because I DO. Maybe for the first time in my 47 years on the planet. I finally can say I DO. TO me and only to me. I finally understand that I am all I ever really wanted. The real me.

And I am perfect just as I am.......