Tuesday, December 22, 2009

R.Rachel and V.Vicky deconstructed.

It is essential that before reading this blog you have read 2 others. First: " I have rage." Then : "Introducing Raging Rachel and Vicious Vicky." In this blog, I will attempt to show how these parts of me informed [ sometimes subtly sometimes NOT so subtly] the "I have rage" blog. To illustrate for you and for me the insidious nature of their brilliance. By analyzing and exposing it, I hope to chip away at not being held hostage by these two anymore. And possibly give them the love that they are ultimately seeking. Because I believe that love is really ALL there is.

Form here on in:
The original blog shall remain in black.
Rachel's voice will be written about and comment on in this red.
Vicky's voice will be written about and commented on in this green.
Back to purple to sum it all up.
And away we go......

I am feeling rage right now. I am infuriated by peoples sleep and lack of need to be honest. People who walk through life with their mask firmly in place. Maybe I am SO mad because I did it for so long. I don't know . It ALWAYS has to do with us I feel. But I do know that it threatens to rip apart SO much in my life.

Here Rachel proudly introduces herself with part of her name RAGING Rachel. Proud of her name, her calling card. Judging of others, she is simply superior and all are beneath her. False humility that MAYBE she did it but only MAYBE. There always is an accusation to all the lame "others" that do this and are below her. It threatens to rip her life apart and is her threat, and her intention.

I am no good at saying things tactfully. But I am working on it. I call it as I see it, and as you have heard me say, I get in big trouble for that. And yet, I do not give a shit . I want to be with peeps who get me and who speak their truth as well. They do not have to agree with me. In fact it's better when they do not for I can learn from another perspective. But they must have the courage to say what's up. Truthfully.

This is Vicky. She is the wiser of the two. Less obvious and more covert. They say with twins in the womb, the stronger and smarter one pushes the other out first to get a lay of the land, check to see if its safe. This is she. Here she feigns honesty. She fluctuates between seeing herself and saying she is right and will continue just as she has in the past. She enlists others to do as she does. Tempts others, are you at MY level?! She acts as if she wants others to disagree with her but will take you down when you do. And ends with the most distorted word of all....truthfully.

I seriously would rather be alone than deal with bullshit small talk, jokes and lies. For me, peeps come together to share TRUTH not false bravado. I am bored by the human condition and no longer am claiming it as my own.

More Vicky here again. Elitist and better than all. Again with the T word. Setting herself outside of the human condition. That takes a special kind of ego.

I step OUT of the tribe and that condition. In fact, I RUN out of it. I would rather be alone with my truth then surrounded by masses in their collective sleep. Their collective fear. Their masks. Their collective bullshit. I am declaring that I am officially over it all. I say this to the universe and all who care to listen.

Now she is picking up steam in her self-righteousness. And isolating into being alone just the way she likes it with nobody to question her dogmatic thinking. Their this and their that. Such judgement, I am great she seems to scream. I am above it all. She is obviously really scared and frightened that she is none of these things. True power does not behave this way. It does not need to. It, like the statues of Christ, bows his head in humility of his power. [just a reference, don't freak]

I am fueled by the support I have gotten from having the courage to actually put my truth out there. This is a part of each and everyone of you. And has been reflected in my shares. Not "blogs" but shares. I am here only to illuminate MY human struggle in hopes that a) I can be clearer and that b) you can be touched and inspired to declare your own.

Vicky, Vicky, icky Vicky. Self important, self righteous, selfish and self involved. Its all about me. A wolf in sheep's clothing. Her sheep has also been consumed by this wolf. The lamb represents the soul. The wolf the instinctive, animalistic body. The lamb and the wolf must learn to lay together.

Nobody is better than or more important a person than ANYONE else!! And celebrity does not mean shit. I know this to be true. I hope you do too. Sending love and light out in a crazy time here on this planet and in this lifetime.

Well, I have learned a few things. That Vicky is far more prevalent and in charge than Rachel. That Rachel's bark is worse than her bite. That the brilliance and danger resides more in the vicious part that is so smart. Like a lawyer she twists things to suit her. She enlists others to do the same. And the word "truth" is always peppering her fights.

And yet, I am not certain this is all true. It seems to be evolving. Maybe Vicky is the weaker of the two. I guess I don't really know. Maybe they dance between the two. There seems to be some biblical references that came out of me. Oh well, they just did. If they offend, so be it. Rachel or Vicky.

I wonder where these voices come from. A person in my life from my past? Or just born to protect me? I feel as a child I was never heard, so once I was big enough to be heard I may have developed these two sisters. I also feel now as I walk through this process that [as a wise reader of my blog shared] maybe they do not need to be killed. As Rachel suggested. But to be loved and tamed.

I do not know how to do that for now. I take it all one day at a time. I try to not be as reactive, that is certain. I believe there is a collective body of fear and negativity that once I go that far into, makes it even harder to get out of.

So this self analysis done, I go into my day. Hopefully all the more wise, or at least a little bit more wise. And with more compassion.....for me and all the characters that inhabit me.


  1. I've been a fan of yours since the days of Twin Peaks. By chance I found this site, I didn't realize we had so much in common. I agree with the part about "small talk", speaking truth, and getting bored with everyday b.s. talk. I always wondered what happened to you.

  2. Dear Sherilyn,

    I must say I'm not sure I'm writting to the actress I condider to be one of the best ever since I was a teenager and discovered you in Twin Peaks. I follow your career for almost 20 years from Paris where I live. I'm very glad I have discovered this blog and still wondering wether you are the author.

  3. You're not helping me to keep my blog strictly professional rather than a social networking tool. Though, crafting limited words for a very specific purpose and audience might prove to be just as "professional". As you can see, my small self-consciously over-analytical demons have already reared their ugly heads for the world to see (tone doesn't translate through text, so my disclaimer is that I'm now laughing at the "strictly professional" comment).

    It's strange, though proved likely through occasionally gazing at whatever psychological entanglements you've found yourself in; both present and past (my response will prove that I believe there's no difference), that I deal with my "shadow" at around the same time you pull yours out. However, my courage is no where near the level of yours, as I write my shadows into a script, attempting to erase any possibility that these characters may be traced back to myself (both females, fragmented versions of my public and private self). My method is similar to yours in that I face them with a fogged pane in between: acknowledgement through the activity of creating. Falling into these roles through another world (whether it be writing, directing, acting, etc), becomes a way of appeasing every fragment of myself; a convenient vacation for the slightly more attractive public self, and dose of valium for those rearing demons. We can face what we think we hate in others only to acknowledge that the reason we hate them is because they are in fact part of ourselves. You're right, love is most significant in this method. Not only do we face "reality" (I put this in quotes because it is subjective. I can't put into words my distaste for semiotics) but we love ourselves and others in the process. You'll never rid of your demons completely, it would be rejecting a human condition essential to how you conduct yourself. However, you can acknowledge them, learn to love them, and inevitably control them for the purpose of knowing yourself in order to know others. In other words, love yourself in order to love others.

    Maybe I've brought out some truths in this, or maybe I've made a contrived mess out of your journey, but I hope this at least offers you some confidence. I am in no way as experienced in life as you are, and I hope I don't come off as if I claim to be. I figured it was only 10 minutes of my time though, and it might hold some insight (there's that self-consciousness again). I guess I can only hope that whatever actress I choose for my movie has this insight, as think it's significant to playing the split role I've created out of myself. Interested in bringing Rachel to Detroit for a no-budget thesis film? How much I wish tone could translate in text. Again, disclaimer: laughing. Completely... laughing. I can still dream though, right?

    Good luck on your journey. Don't ever stop loving.


  4. Firstly...I must say that "Truly Madly Deeply" is on of my all time favorite films....
    Re: Rachel & Vicky..I can Completely Relate. I try to tame the beasts within and sometimes find myself held at knifepoint by the lot.
    To me, truth and justice and real conversation is the only kind of relationships I want.
    Here's to 2010! from one stranger to another...glad I found your blog..

  5. You can only move forward in this mess of a world. You are extremely blessed to have a great family life and health that these trump the negative aspects of your life. Let the New Year be one of great family memories. My hubby and I will have a great journey ahead of us to try and have a child, IVF. I wish I could go back in time and try for a child in my 20's. Well, I'm 38 and I am leaving all in God's hands. God bless you.

  6. Who is floating between Rachel and Vicky?

  7. Thanks for your comments. To Paris, it is me, however I really cannot prove that can I. I suggest you keep tuning in and maybe at some point you will get the truth of it. Who else could share such personal details of MY life.
    I get so much out of my shares and the insightful responses I recieve. So i truly thank everyone. Its been a scary endeavor but am encouraged by the responses and most importantly the peace its bringing me.

    Who dances betwwen the twins is of course me. I now see they come from fear and were trying to protect me and at times buffer me really seeing myself. And so my journey continues and I will gladly continue to share it.

    Happy New Year to all and love and light to all. God blesses us all. We are all one and all connected.


  8. Hmmm... Dance ?

    Dance, Dance, Dance, Sherilyn ;-)

    Happy New Year to you !!!

    Love and light.