Friday, February 5, 2010

A demon from my childhood still haunts

I dream...... I dream deeply and almost always remember my dreams. I interpret them myself. Not with a book. I feel we can more personally understand our dreams if we are willing to look into them honestly. The symbolism that my dreams show me is startling and poignant and last nights was no different. That is why I must get it out and write it. I am not sure that I am gonna share this..... I will just write it down for now.

Please keep in mind that obviously dreams can be quite fragmented. I will do my best to put the pieces together as cohesively as possible. But again, dreams just kind of jump around. Maybe I will just flow with the dream as it is , then break it down in another blog as I did with my Rachel/Vicky one.

The dream:

I must be pregnant in my dream because my mother is planning a baby shower for me. She has a cold attitude towards me as she does at this moment in my life [not the dream] because I got in a fight with her and unleashed some of my childhood anger onto her. In my dream, she has a friend with her, they say they are going to a movie.

My mother pulls out a tray of feminine bows, crowns, packages for the shower but says she has not planned when and where it will be. I suggest a place. She just has an attitude. As people start to arrive I realize that the party is today, here at our home and was meant to be a surprise. I feel funny because I am not ready, just in sweats or pajamas or something.

I see my brothers dressed up in ties. I ask them are they here for my baby shower. Yes, of course they say. It seems someone dangerous is arriving and my older brother wants to deal with it. So I tell him I will get my gun. As I go into an armoire to get it, now there are two guns. One is very small. The other a bigger hand gun that looks like something Dirty Harry used to carry. I know the small only has two bullets but the bigger one has 6 or eight and is automatic.

As I pull the guns out, a lot of people come to look. They are all intrigued and want to touch the guns. I do not let them. I hand the one to Leo and decide to find a hiding place for the other. As I look for it I see that my house it is in utter disarray. It seems to be under construction or something. I wonder why my family chose to have the party here when the house looked like this. Literally rooms were in the process of being rebuilt.

My third stepfather Gary Stewart, a messed up demon like man arrived at the party. I somehow got my guns back because I knew he was there for me. I knew that I was in danger. He has come to me in other dreams to haunt me and try to hurt me. In fact, he came a few nights before this dream as well. My shrink always says that when one has a dream like this, it is important in the dream that you are fighting. Not just a victim. I am proud to say that I have been fighting him like a formidable banshee in the past few!!!!!

There were two flights of stairs, as I went towards one he went towards the other to try to cut me off. But I was two steps ahead of him intellectually so I made noises as if I was going up them and came back down and quickly hid my two guns so he could not use them on me. I am not sure why I did not just shoot him then and there. It seemed that there was a little game of wits, of cat and mouse happening. I was somewhat surrounded by family, although at this point no one seemed to be coming to my rescue.

I often times would scream for my mother since this was HER significant relationship, hoping she would deal with it but she never came. Not surprising given my childhood. This was my experience time and time again.

When he realized I had duped him, he raced downstairs and actually complimented my moxie. He said that was really smart how I had tricked him that way. Then asked where the guns were. I said hidden from you. He looked around for them but to no avail.

Then Gary grabbed me and took me down stairs to the basement, where I had been relegated to much of my young life. It was like a "last meal" situation. Make no mistake, my life was in danger with this man and I knew it. With his crazy behavior I worried as a child as well.

At a certain point some people came to my rescue. They were supposed to be family of some sort but I did not recognize them. There were three of them and they were youngish men. They came with a bigger, older man who I hoped would stay with them. I knew they did not stand a chance againist Gary.

The older man told me to go. That they would take care of this. I knew they would literally be killed. It was like anyone that came around Hannibal Lecter. You knew it was all over. I just hoped I could survive as Clarice did. The older man came with me, more bad news for the others. Gary sat there calmly, with a sick smile. It was a game to him.

As we tried to climb the dilapidated stairs, all of the sudden had a baby in my arms. I was only looking ahead, plotting exactly what I needed to do next. I would grab the guns and get to my car, put the baby securely in and get away as quick as possible.

As soon as I got to the top and sprinted to escape, I could hear the chaos and death downstairs ensue. It was awful and I felt guilty. I did not know how to help them. I could only help myself and my baby now and get out as quick as possible. The house now seemed deserted. Even the older man behind me was becoming another causality, I could hear his cries too.

Somehow I got us successfully to my car and we took off. I knew this was not the end. It was weird because I woke up a few times in the middle of dreaming and would fall back out and pick up where I had left off. I believe there was such a break here.

Now I was in a kind of a park, on the run. The baby no longer with me. Someone gave me a horse to ride. And so I rode as fast as I could. I did not see Gary behind me at this point but I could feel his presence. I knew this was not over.

It all gets a bit blurry here but what I remember next is that I made my way back to my house. The one under construction. There were people there who I knew and who knew the battle I was in the midst of. I was talking to them. Armed and ready when Gary burst in the door.

This time he was on a horse with full white face and a sort of bizarre, tribal war paint. Very ominous and scary. He methodically got off his horse and came towards me to kill me. I pulled out my bigger gun and shot him a number of times in the chest. He fell to the ground.......

Only a moment of relief because then he got and said that I cannot kill him and pulled out a large sword. Now it really got surreal . I looked at him and said [with a few supporting people around me] no, you are not alive. You are dead. He became kind of translucent and I felt he did not have power over me anymore.... He would appear and disappear.....

Then we did something I had done in my recent inner child workshop. We all put our hands together and declared that we were not releasing all this negative stuff into the cosmos, threw our hands collectively up towards the heavens with a yelp.


And then I awoke......

I have been haunted by it. Trying to understand its meaning....more will be revealed.

Listen to your dreams...... They have great wisdom....


  1. Very intriguing Sherilyn.
    As I am unaware of the trials and tribulations of your private life, one can only speculate as to what your dream was about.
    However, whatever the case may be, it is apparent you are quite capable of dealing with whatever challenges you might face in life - and not a "babe in the woods". Your strength certainly shines through!

  2. That is one richly layered dream. I'm always grateful for those, whatever the nature may be. Very rewarding, albeit overwhelming at times.

    It's interesting that you would dream of something very old, like the Gary character, within the context of something totally new happening -- namely, the birth of a baby. Although I'm sure that has its roots somewhere in the past as well.

    I also must confess that I found it hilarious when you randomly went from driving to riding horseback haha. I love how those sorts of things are so overtly absurd and yet in dreams we just kind of accept them as normal.

  3. Hey Sherilyn! Chilling. Was this dream in colors? - if so that could be important in meaning. I am older and more familiar with the scenes of the time period and this type of dream would, to me, relate to events that happened when very young, but only now are coming out in various forms, with meanings attached. You are obviously a strong, and inquisitive type person to be able to relate and overcome the things that were just plain out of your control when growing up. Believe me, we of the era, are pretty darn proud how you have turned out and how positively you have contributed toward your profession, as well as, toward the people around you. Those demons, within your dreams, are around because those who should have been more often closer and more protective of you, often chose to be doing something else. Trust me, those demons from the past, although not gone from memories, should no longer stand in the way of continuing to move your life foward with your family. To me, the gun was a symbol of making those demons go away and in your dream you couldn't make them go away. That's it with dreams, sometimes they have us continue to question the same things over and over, 20, 30, 40 and even now 50 years later for me.

    Best Wishes. SB

  4. I was in the habit of writing my dreams on a paper when I was adolescent. It was intriguing because often the dreams form a continuation between them.

    I would not try to analyze your dream :)
    but, just a thing that I held (I do not know why) you have two children and there are two bullets in the revolver... Intriguing.

    I noticed something on the dreams and I wonder if it is the same thing for you too:
    When we dream, we never dream about us. I mean we do not see us in our dreams physically or then we are only a silhouette and generally those dreams are real nightmares leaving a strong track in our memory.
    It have already happen to you?

    I not used anymore to write my dreams anymore since a long time. And my dreams are always in colors.


    Love and Light,


  5. It sounds like this demon you speak of caused you great emotional and possibly physical pain (I do not know your childhood). As a child, you were a victim to his presence, but as a grown woman you are fighting him back as you do with the protection of armed weapons in your dream. Perhaps your house is a symbol for what you seek. You mentioned it in disarray and under construction. We could probably compare our lives to this house…seeking why we faced the things we did as children and how we cope with those issues today. As humans, we are always under construction as we rebuild ourselves for whatever reason. If you have dreamed of this Gary before in this way he must have had a significant negative impact on you. And it seems as if your mother does not protect you from his wrath. Choosing a significant other over a child especially a demon one would inflict much pain and suffering for the child. In addition, it could possibly affect other relationships by spilling over unintentionally (i.e. low self-esteem, not feeling you deserved to be loved, etc.) A person like this is not easy to get away from, but I am proud of you for fighting him and trying to outwit him. It seems as though you will have to work hard to release yourself from his grasp he holds on you. But, you are a strong and capable woman who has the tools to take care of yourself. You are not a victim, but a survivor. Your choice to release positive energy into the cosmos is the choice of a noble person who has grown from past experiences and is finding away to deal with pain in a positive manner. Continue to fight his grasp with your determination, strength, and wisdom through your release of positive energy into the cosmos. Thank you so much for sharing these personal thoughts, Sherilyn. You are truly an inspiration on what we strive to be each day. With great love and respect, Veronica

  6. Dear Sherilyn,

    I discovered your blog about an hour ago and haven't moved from this chair ever since. This blog is beautiful - your words are beautiful. They are beautiful, not only because you write with this extremely captivating fluency, but mainly because you write with such honesty and curiosity.

    It's quite fascinating that I, a soon-to-be-twenty year old girl in Stockholm, Sweden, who's no one other to you than an extremely huge fan (yes, I'm another one of THOSE people, I haven't been able to get the Twin Peaks soundtrack out of my head for nineteen years. My father, my hero, watched and re-watched Twin Peaks many times when I was very little, he had all the episodes recorded on videotape, and I remember sitting on his lap, freaked out, watching it with him. He held his hand in front of my eyes at the scary parts, of course, but I was still terrified.) can sit here on my side of the globe and read these beautiful words that you so generously share, and feel comforted and at peace - you have actually helped me tonight.

    I felt like I was finally going to be eaten by the extreme stress that I have been forced to deal with these past weeks, and sat by my computer with my heart going "tick tock tick tock, deadlines, demands, loss, sorrow" and my mind going "hd8eqyrw847923rewjlasdopd" when I stumbled over a link to your blog.

    Thank you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I feel calm. I feel like I can actually deal with everything, for now. I’ll probably feel differently tomorrow, but for now, I’m calm and everything surrounding me is still and quiet and I thank you. You are a beautiful person, on the inside as well as the outside. I hope you don’t mind eventual grammatical errors, my English might not be as good as I believe.

    All the best,

  7. The Prophet Mohammed may peace and blessing of Allah be upon him, said that a dream is one of the 46th prohecies of a believer, he used to interpet dreams regularly. The Prophet Mohammed (SAW) said there are three types of dreams. The one dream you have of good things comes from Allah Subhana Wa talla(God),the second dream that you have comes from your mind, is of your own reality, when you go to bed and start to have visions of everything you've done in the day-time you current affairs etc... The third dream that you have is one of bad things that comes from the shaton(Devil)Where you must seek refuge with God because of them. I myself do not know you, so there is really no way I could interpet the dream unless you explained it to me vividly in it's lively essence. I also have a dream that I might relate to you. Not more than maybee a week ago I had went to sleep for a day nap. Allah had showed me my fathers place in the after life. I can describe it like this; I was in my fathers home there an estate with two pillars on the outside, in it where rooms that where primarly empty, he had an office with an old super computer, as I stepped out of the office and down into the basement there was sort of a laundry room with no washers or dryers and no water. The room adjacent to it was a small mosque with an opening to the outside, up a few steps with two pillars on each side. On the outside, the house was on a hill over looking a small city like Dearborn with yellow tinted grass, no trees and a brick wall that was not finished surrounding the property. Next to it was a home that stood 17 feet high on the left. On the right side of the house was a descending pavement next to the hill which led down into the city. Just before that there is a coffey house with the head of a dragon on it. I met my father outside and asked him, Baba how much money did you pay for all this property including the other home 600k 500k, he replied everthing, everything I got. He told me he was hungry and tired and wanted to eat then sleep, I said lets go play cards, I want to smoke some cigarettes then we can eat and later go to bed, he said allright. Let me interpet; The home that was empty was a sign of what all he had earned with his dean(Religous Knowledge) reflecting his personifaction in this life. The hill with yellow grass and no trees, shows he has not earned any blessing in this life as of yet. Third the coffee house with the head of a dragon on it symbolizes his restlesness in this life and the result of his life stlye henceforth he is tired. Fourth the house next to it, I pray to Allah it isnt mine, because how could you go throughout eternity living like that. So money isnt really everthing, you really have to pay attention to what you strive for in this life and what becomes apart of you. After this dream I woke up and prayed two rakkah to Allah.

  8. Hi! I am a fan who just discovered your blog. After reading through all of it I am impressed- you can create magic- like your account of the night you danced with Prince. I am so looking forward to meeting you at the Chiller Theatre Expo in Parsippany NJ the weekend in April 16-18,2010. I have been there before and it is a great venue- I hope you enjoy it- some of the guests you have worked with like Jenny Wright from The Wild Life. Take some time to meet the ones you are fans of too- there will be many- and get your picture taken with them like Catherine Mary Stewart did at the last one- such pictures are priceless. And don't be afraid of the fans- most are so starstruck that you will have to pry words out of them. Whatever level of physical contact you are comfortable with is fine- check out pics from previous shows to see Richard Dreyfuss kissing his fans-Linda Hamilton too-or hugging for photo ops or just shaking hands. It is a very safe venue-I have never seen anybody get rowdy-and while alcohol is available few people indulge due to the cost. Many fans will want to take your picture so be ready. And have fun-something you know you need to do. You are way too hard on yourself sometimes. And then post those pics from the event on you Facebook page- fans want to see you! JIM

  9. very interesting! not sure how i would interpret this dream. in my experience there is always a lot of "filler" in my dreams. things that just don't make sense but show up as a way of connecting the important parts together. like going from a car to a horse. who knows why we pick these images but there they are none-the-less.

    after reading this it seems that the last part of the dream is what is holding the important message. a past, present and future ... if you will. the baby in your arms, to me at least, is a representation of you in youth. you, the adult you, was trying to protect the infant. the same way we all can protect ourselves from past hurts, traumas etc. by either forgetting about them or pushing them so deep that they no longer seem to be a part of us.

    the next part about returning to home that is under construction seems like it could be an extension of where you are today. in the process of "rebuilding" ... or letting go of thing in the past and making something new and stronger for the future. like you said, building a house brick by brick and not one made of cards.

    and the end seems like a positive thing. standing up to a past demon. taking back all of the power that you once feed to it. letting it know that it has no more power of you. turning you back on the boogie man and finding the strength in yourself.

    anyway, seems like it's all about change and seeing where you have been and where you are going in the future. stronger and more confident that you can overcome past hurt and obstacles. all in all a good thing. but these are just my thoughts ... take them as you will.

    sending love and light!
    chris / br1xt0n (twitter)