Friday, January 8, 2010

A nonsensical rant

I am not sure what I am gonna write about. But something is telling me to do so, and I listen when this happens. Most of the time I know but not now. My 45th birthday is in a few weeks. It is on Feb 1st. It seems so strange. I do not wish to be any younger, except when I get tired chasing my 2 year old. And yet, it is just a number. One that does not seem to fit.

I sometimes still feel like a kid. The same old me. Scared, scarred and unlovable. I still get shy around strangers. I still want to be liked , loved etc. I once saw a really funny cartoon that made me laugh because it is so me. It has become a running joke between me and my dear friend Joan.

It was a little girl. Not one that I have ever seen before, not a famous character at all. In fact I have not seen it since so maybe it was manifest just for me. Some white magic. Anyway, she is bouncing around saying,"Do you like me??? Do you love me ???? Do you think I'm pretty??? Do you wanna be my friend???"

Being pretty was very important to my mother. She got her tapes from her father I am told. I remember rushing home from grade school one day, thrilled to tell her my great accomplishment! I had taken what I felt HAD to be a really pretty school picture! I had my pretty red and white checkered jacket on. It had a dark blue checkered fluff of fabric coming out of the front pocket. It was smart looking to me.

The only bad part was that it itched immensely. But I had heard from my mother that beauty is pain. So I put a t-shirt under it to minimize the polyester itch on my skin. I'd be pretty if it killed me.

I furiously brushed my hair with my fingers before the fateful moment in the girls bathroom. Borrowed my best friends Bonnie Bell strawberry because it added a little red to the lips. My mother fancied herself a hairdresser at this point and had become the addicted to giving everyone in our neighborhood the newest hairstyle. The "shag." Which was disastrous for my thick and course hair. If you have forgotten.... "I have naturally curly hair!" So it seemed to bend and curl in ALL the wrong places.

I had been practicing my smile for weeks. I must admit before I went to get my last license picture, I practiced in the mirror. Sad, huh? Anyway, I was certain that I had it down. Ready for my first good school picture. Up until this moment I always had unattractive school pictures, but not this time. I was certain it would be stellar.

So,predictably it was not. In fact it was the worst one to date. I can still see it in minds eye. I would share it but I believe I destroyed all copies. My big goofy smile, with my teeth that were too big for my small head at the time. My hair curling every which way, desperate to fit into the newest trend. But failing miserably. And the ever present shoulders up to my ears. A thing that would often manifest as I tried desperately to please.

I was a very late blossomer. I was not popular or pretty or any of those things that society brain washes little girls to think that they need to be. It was all about the blond haired, blue eyed girl with straight hair. The one my mother had died her to be. The one that I would later dye my hair to be. Barbie, I suppose. Boring Barbie. Boring Big Boobed Barbie.

I was at my brothers house a few months ago for his daughters, Haley's 4th birthday. She got some new Barbie dolls among many other toys. Have you seen them lately? Apparently Ken became a plastic surgeon and is plumping up Barbies lips at an alarming rate. It seems the new odd species of women that seem to be inhabiting our planet now have become the prototype for Barbie. It is frightening really.

I really want a baby girl, but for now am glad that I don't have one when I see shit like that. Someone once said to me that if I had a girl first, I would have been too hard on her. I agree. Especially if I saw her walking down the funky path young girls are going down these days. I am glad I grew up in Michigan.

I also despise this 40 is the new 30 saying. Lets break it down, shall we? So, 30 is the new 20. And 20 is the new 10??!!!!! And 10 the new infant??!!! It is fucking stupid. Why can't people be grateful just where they are? What does age matter anyway? Or hair color? Or height? Or weight? That's a big one. Even I worry about it.....ugh.

We waste so much time trying to find ourselves looking in all the wrong places. At all the wrong things. I for one have never been able to find myself in a mirror. In fact, a certain point I lost myself there. At a time when the world, or my world was focused on that. What a bore.

Well, I suppose this is just a nonsensical rant. But it is my nonsensical rant.


  1. I love your blog posts. They're honest, authentic and totally without guile - a rare thing today. Of course you're a beautiful woman. But it has nothing to do with your appearance (which is lovely). It's your beautiful soul that shines through. Thank you for sharing yourself with the world :)

  2. Sherri:

    You sound saddened. Perhaps I can cheer you up with a gift certificate for a Lip Collagen Injection. lol.... Let's be glad that the road to a lost life, is so well & obviously lit, for those who are awake & seeking a life of value, purpose & meaning. After all, in the end, our world is what we each make it.

    From: Your Brother - D.

  3. Not sure how to say this in a way that you will like, but when I first saw you on Twin Peaks when I was 12. Yes, I realize that a big focus of your posts is that we, as a society, consider appearance to be a much higher priority than it should be, and I agree with you.

    But I thought you were totally rad. To me, as a preteen girl, you were the most beautiful woman in the world. To me, you symbolized everything that was hip and glamorous. I loved the attitude that your character had.

    I hope that what I just said didn't make you sad. I realize now, as an adult, what a heartbreaking place Hollywood can be--it must be like constantly running for prom queen. I can't imagine being employed in a field that runs itself like some fat, hypocritical, out-of-control popularity contest that sees itself and the rest of the world through some broken piece of Coke-bottle glass.

    But as a 12-year-old, I didn't know any of that. I just saw you as the awesome, bohemian girl who snapped her fingers to Angelo Badalamenti and wore cool fifties clothes.

    So, I hope you take this compliment as a pretty rock without turning it over to see the bugs underneath that I never saw.

  4. Jennifer is right. Your beauty is dazzling. I remember a time when I told myself I had no interest in blonde women (how shallow is that?). They just seemed so pale and dull. But then I saw you in Ruby & Two Moon Junction and simply fell over my tongue. Then spent the next 20 years trying to figure out if I admired you better as a blonde or brunette. The torment continues to this day :)
    Basically, some women are gifted to be beautiful even if wearing a suit of armor. Have no're one of them!


  5. I don't think this post was nonsensical at all. You bring up ideas and feelings that are really major for a lot of us. Aging gracefully and with your self esteem intact in the present culture can be VERY tricky. I'm definitely finding it to be so.

  6. God blesses us all with a unique physical appearance. I will never use the word "ugly" to anyone or around anyone. We all have something perfect about our looks. A nose, mouth, ears, chin, skin, bone structure ect. My husband has perfect ears, eyes and chin. He could be an ear model. Over all he is attractive. I have been told that I have pretty hands, eyes, and lips. Nobody is ugly because God doesn't make ugly. Sherilyn, you are very attractive, why are you leary about talking about your looks? God bless, Sandy

  7. Nonsensical? I disagree. If it's important to you, then do it, say it, live it. We see things with different colored glasses. Some are hazy while some clear and some even cross-eyed. Our individual lenses have different focus and therefore, different perspective. We can only see things with the eyes we have been given. Personally, I kind of like the glasses I've been given, I hope you like yours, too.

  8. I kind of like the 30 is the new 20, etc, thing. I don't think it's about not being happy where we are, I interpret it as it's ok to get older--that the stigma isn't there as much anymore, and also that people are aging more slowly than they used to. 30 just doesn't look and behave the way 30 did 40 years ago. As a female, I find comfort in knowing that the 'shelf life' concept is constantly being blown up for the rubbish it is. I personally don't care about age, but I know other people do, and so I thought that trend was a good thing.

    I think we're all essentially the little kids we once were. I don't think that's a bad thing at all, because our inner child needs to be understood and loved--it helps us be better adults. I think all people want to be loved, and we all use different bargaining chips to get it--some are funny, some are pretty, some are smart, etc. We just have to remember we're much more than our bargaining chips.

  9. I always admired you as one of the great beauties of hollywood.I like your dark looks ( you remind me of Ava Gardner),glossy black hair,pale skin,that mocking eyebrow and,ahhwww,that mole!You seemed so mysterious and untamed.
    Our body is the temple our souls live in.I want to have a beautiful home for my soul.I care for it.I feed it well. I spoil it with luxurious lotions,oils and scents.To love yourself (without beeing vain and over the top with it) is a way to worship the creator-whomever you may believe in.He/she gave it to you.Why not be proud of it?

  10. Nice essay! You might think about writing an autobiography. Or even writing, period! I think you're a good writer. The "Peakheads" at least would get your biography. That would be in the tens of thousands. So.... I know I want to hear more. I'd definitely like to hear about your relationship with Lara Flynn Boyle, Sheryl Lee and Madchen Amick, if you've kept in touch with them.

    I'd like to hear about your experience at The Twin Peaks Festival. What do you think of that? It looks like fun on the TP box set feature. A friend said that it was more or less a group meeting year after year now. I definitely would like to visit Snoqualmie and North Bend.

    You're not afraid to self-analyze. That alone is a good sign of mental stability, which is also good for health, and by extension, appearance. After all, the brain controls the body. Along with keeping fit, of course. Being a 60 something male I wouldn't know about vanity much. I have little. Just try to keep healthy. But I think that for women the 40's are tough. And you have the added pressure of being in the acting field. So good luck to you! There was an article I read not long ago on actresses in their 50's, and how they managed. Of course Meryl Streep was mentioned. Probably an issue now with IT'S COMPLICATED. And Michelle Pfeiffer was mentioned. I like another Michigan transplant, Gillian Anderson, who is aging well. A couple more would be Laura Dern and Juliette Binoche. Maybe you could trade notes with these women. Though I think you probably do. Personally, I think women get more beautiful with age. A certain poignancy there.

    I saw this last week the "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" you were featured in. Nice job! You creeped me right out! Not an easy role. And you pulled it off well.

    keep up the good work

  11. sherilyn-who-shines: since we're primates, physical appearance is always going to mean a lot. (they know that other primates will do almost anything to look at an image of a high-status member of their tribe - sometimes choose that rather than eating! so it's deeper than culture. it's in our genes. but it can be transformed) what struck my heart about this post is how you seemed buried in an early environment of unremitting judging. you were (as my beloved chi said, reading your blog) an unusually sensitive person - and it seems you sensed the expectations of others and so many of them were not about the subjective you, but the outer Family Daughter chess piece. so it seems that that got taken into you (as we humans are wont to do) - one thing vicky and rachel have in common is how starkly they judge - and how apart from other people they are. i hope you continue to ease on yourself, to treat yourself just a little more softly - tenderness is the word, as d.h. lawrence had it. since starting to read this blog i've thought a lot about it and why i keep coming back. and while it's interesting you're a celebrity, and the whole beautiful woman business, and audrey horne, and all that ... what's really interesting is the consciousness underneath all that. i'd find your consciousness intriguing even if you were an unknown, of no known appearance. funny, but you talk on twitter about the tweetiebirds - i think of this as blog as you singing your song. :)


  12. Sherilyn, you are beautiful! Good for you for not putting up with the Hollywood b.s. that most celebrities seem to fall for. I think that quality in you makes you stand out even more and I have the greatest respect for you. Don't mold yourself for others. Be yourself and love yourself for the person you are.

    Keep Shining Sherilyn!


  13. Hello there,

    I had some thoughts this morning, even if I did not really sleep well...

    I do not know if they are directly connected to your blog, I know nothing about it. Maybe...

    My intuition says to me (you can say to yourselves how he dares with his intuition!?):
    "Often we look inside us too much, we examine ourselves too much ".
    Is it your case?

    I often say to myself, things are there, they are there so that we enjoy them.
    Simply in looking at the snow that there is here in Europe made me say into myself :

    "Young people did not even know the snow, they just discover for the first time how this snow can be, and... It is WONDERFULL!!!"

    But, why I do not manage to be delighted as before by this snow? Did I learnt too much about the world ? Nah... I'm sad, nah...
    Why not to appreciate simply this snow ?
    Things that we have in front of us can be simple, no?

    My father often said to me when I was quite young : "You examine yourself too much."
    In fact, I looked for questions for my philosophic answers. But, he was right. My father is great, believe me. I love him so.
    And, I did not turn to great philosophers, I did not read them. I learnt by myself a lot of things. Autodidact ? Yes...

    What we call creation, is not simply (Well, simply. Is not quiet simply, but...) to undo what we make or/and forget what we learnt?
    I would quote a sentence, for conclude my thought, coming from a film:
    "The more you look, the less you really know".

    This quotation comes from a film which I love and is called : "The man who wasn't here" by the Cohen's Brothers.

    Here is an internet link to see the trailer on YouTube:

    One last thought :
    "Why one day the human beings would not decide to call the sun: the flower?
    It is too poetic?
    We are in compartments and compartments that even to rename a celestial body frightens us... Nevertheless, there are many planets which are called: CXUS3030 CX, no?

    Bises :),

    Sending love and light to you.



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  15. Dear Sherylin,

    I love the blog. It's candy on sale after a holiday, I wanted to read it all at once. Please,( of course w/o names ) give us more of the tough Valley of the Dolls type of drama/situations that actors, and even the directors, get into --info that only you would be privy to. Tell us if these lambs survived or not. It might be good for regular folk to learn from these stories so that so and so from small town America doesn't have to pack his/her bags and run off to LA expecting to make it big on nothing but dreams and deepak chopra sized delusions of granduer. Even though you were at the right place at the right time, it did seem like you were destined for fame ( esp after the Lynch encounter where you couldn't --no matter how hard you tried, sabotage yourself ) Is it luck, is it pre-ordained, let us know..

  16. Ok, I will write more about the business. But as far as things being preordained??/ Who knows. But I always liked the saying that " LUck is where preparation meets opportunity.'
    Having said that, I have deleted my second negative comment on this entire blog. Again I say... if you don't like my blog, my words, my topics, move on. I have enough ugly voices in my head and do not need yours. Or go write your own blog.... I am not interested in here the judgement. To myself I am true. And its just a fucking blog. When something tells me to write, I write.

  17. Dear Sherilyn,I like your blog!I have just found out about it.I loved the nonsensical rant.I haven't read the rest yet.I'll start from the beginning so that I will be able to share some comments.F

  18. As an author, I really enjoy your posts. Sometimes you don't need to worry about the infinite rules of writing and just let what is REAL splash out on to the page. And that is what you do. And it's refreshing.

  19. This is the first time I am visiting your blog after watching Two Moon Junction again. I love that movie. And your posts are honest, just like you. Loved it. :))

  20. Sherilyn, your journey to find peace within yourself is admirable and very beautiful. Deep down, I think everyone wants to be loved and liked. After all, we are human. The words you write are not nonsensical, but powerful, truthful, and luminescent for yourself as well as others who are inspired by your words, myself included. It takes a lot of courage and self-confidence to look within ourselves even at the things we do not like or wish were different. It takes even more courage to post our inner demons and fears for others to see. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I sure am. No one talks about these types of issues. I find you a role model for those struggling to find themselves and face sensitive issues that we try to hide. Physical beauty should not matter, but that is not what society teaches and this makes me sad. What hope do little girls have in a world that praises these sorts of values?

    As a child, I had a bunch of nicknames regarding my appearance and those stayed with me for years. I was thin, flat, uncoordinated, etc. Not much has changed now that I am in my mid-20s, but this is me. I cannot change how I look, but I can accept who I have become. Do I still hear those comments from my past? Yes, not only because people still tell me, but because like you the “twins” rear their ugly heads at times. I tell myself I am this way because I was meant to be. I am special for my own qualities just like you are special for your own. You may have memories from your past that have scarred you, have left you scared or feeling unlovable, but you ARE loved. You DESERVE to be loved. You DESERVE to feel happy. No one should have the right to take these precious gifts away from you. Not even you.

  21. I'm not sure why I'm here either but I felt compelled to start typing as well. I'm not very good at typing so please excuse the grammatical errors.

    I guess all of it pretty much started with a trip to the video store the other day to rent a movie. I just sort of walk down the isles these days and see what hits me. So I go around the corner and I see this movie called Boxing Helena and I grab it and rent it without even reading what it's about. So okay after watching it, even though it's pretty sick and twisted, I have to say it was one of the most brilliant and challenging movies I have ever seen. It hits on so many different levels and I'm still trying to figure it all out. After it was over I started doing some reading about it online and saw that it never got very good reviews, which is really too bad. I think the movie was hugely unappreciated probably because it touches such a deep and forbidden spot in the average person and the first human reaction is to negatively judge.

    The range of feelings that the actors feel and portray forces the viewer to get honest with themselves and confront their own belief system. I know it did for me. It sheds a pretty broad spotlight on human insecurity, negativity and lack of self-esteem in relationships. It also brought up many memories of the physical pain I suffered from a really bad car accident I was the victim of and barely survived last year.

    Long story short, I guess for some reason while I was watching the movie I was able to see past the obvious dysfunction of the main characters and I was able to find part of myself in their feelings and emotions which I am grateful for. It was also there that I realized how talented and magical Sherilyn Fenn really is, and how much inner strength and tenderness she possesses, and how rare and attractive that quality is in people. I haven't seen many of her movies and became an instant fan after seeing the movie. So I typed in her name om Wikipedia and found this blog and am happy to see that she's sharing herself with her fans.

    Thank you all for sharing and remember that life is really short, and the best time to decide to be happy is right now.


  22. I am also among those just discovering this blog and reading as far back as I can. This entry is especially cogent and perceptive. Since her film work has always delighted me, I have been very gladdened to learn via these pages that Ms. Fenn is on her right path in life and truly is as lovely inside -- where it counts -- as she is on the outside. Such a rare quality, esp. these days. Ditto on the problems of raising a girl in this toxic, anti-woman socity, too.

  23. Dear Sherilyn, you are simply the Godess!