At the moment they are hurling insults at me that I dare even write this for the world to read. "As if the world reads YOUR blog," they shout. But one of my dearest friends and teachers Roy London taught me that I must grab my demons & monsters by the head and pull them out of the cave to get a good look at them. He said doing that will diminish their power. And so I shall.
I believe that it is essential to learn ones truth and to share it BUT not to bludgeon people with it as I do sometimes. This word is very potent for me : bludgeon as I first read it used in a book about a the serial killer, Ted Bundy. He was the stereotype, a typical somewhat good looking white man who had taken it to the street.
During one of his horrific killing sprees after he had already killed one person ( that not having been enough to fill his hole) he fled with the blood of one victim still on his hands to some college girls apt, grabbed what he could find, a piece of firewood and "bludgeoned" two more to death.
Over the years of my life Rachel and Vicky have reared their ugly heads up too many times to count, hurt too many people and got me in awful situations in the name of the truth. That is you see part of their brilliance. They say....well its the truth. Like J. Nicholson,"You cant handle the truth!!!" They snarl and spit like mad dogs with self righteous arrogance.
A part of me hides when they come out. I am actually afraid of them too. When they thought I would fail at something, they have suggested different ways to hurt myself to avoid things. Thank God I did not listen. At least in this moment I cannot think of a time I did. And yet because I allowed the attacks to place, I guess I did listen. Ugh. "Shame on you!" My grandma would say if she were still alive.
You see for a long time now, I thought this was strength. What a load of shit. Another lie I was telling to myself. It is true weakness to attack anyone at anytime with your own unexamined and misplaced rage. I am over it. I will no longer allow Rachel and Vicky to weave their tangled webs. I need an exorcism. Know any good shamans?
It is dark nights of the soul when one sees themselves truly. Or maybe that is just my experience. I am not a bad person but I can be quite hurtful when they take over. They come out when I feel hurt or threatened. They say the meanest things imaginable. I often get attacked by them as I am right now. Nobody wants to show the ugly parts of themselves but I defer to my teacher because he has never led me astray.
They have appointed themselves to stand guard over my heart and never let anyone get too close. Only my kids are really close to me. And my Dylan has gotten closer than anyone but at a great price. We are meant to be transformational in each others lives. And that we are. But I have hurt him so. I wonder why he is still here. And thank GOD everyday.
The twins work hard at having a self fulfilling prophecy: That I am not lovable, that all men leave, that I am worthless. They have come a breath away from bringing this to fruition. Now they are being exposed. I had done so well for awhile, then last night they came out in full force. I find them to be stronger, darker and at their worse as I consume wine. I have chosen to stop that. Its like a dark energy comes with it.
I feel that the world has great light coming in right now. But that makes us be able to see more of the dark. Huge polarities exist and for me I must be so cautious. And conscious. And connected to the light and my truth. The true truth, not the one the twins preach. The one centered on love and compassion.
If only one could just set down their baggage from childhood. Like returning from a trip, walking up the driveway, into your front door and just putting down the suitcase. The relief of it. The feeling of lightness one feels. I long for it and am actively working to do just that. This has been 44 yrs of this shit.
It seems I have been fighting for so long in my life. I keep waiting for the chapter where it all gets really good. But happiness only comes in moments for me. Rachel and Vicky are too threatened by real joy and happiness.
They know that now that they are exposed, they will die. I am killing them. Putting them to sleep like an old dog that is sick and it is at the point where it is the only humane thing left to do.
So this is their swan song. What was born to protect a child from fucked situations ,now is at war with me the grown woman and happiness in my life. They will not win. They are old and are being put down. I will not miss them for unlike a dog, they were never friends even to me. They are my worst enemies.
I am sure some may read this and feel I am really fucked up. Emotionally unstable. And sometimes I am, like you aren't?!!! hehehe What I am is a living, breathing woman who is looking at herself and working hard to transform into the woman I have always wanted to be. A woman who lives NOT from her head but from her heart.
It's pantomime season over here in the UK at the minute. This sounds like a classic tale of the ugly sisters and Cinderella...if David Lynch ever got asked to direct at the Swindon Theatre Royal. What would the kids make of that?
ReplyDeleteYou will beat the twins, you will prevail. You will be the person you want. You will continue to "fine tune" (thats what I call it) until the twins are long gone. In fact, from what little I know about life - I think you're already there. Keep it up though, just in case they (the twins) are playing possum. :)
ReplyDeleteSolitude and pain on new pain? I try to understand more clearly...
ReplyDeleteI don't know your situation well Sherilyn but I don't think you necessarily need to declare war on Raging Rachel and Vicious Vikki, do you?? Anger and rage is a human emotion and we all have access to it for a reason...for self protection and self preservation, among other things. Raging Rachel and Vicious Vikki maybe just need to be tamed a little...so they can be express themselves more constructively?? As I think about your post, I keep thinking of the phrase, "kill 'em with kindness." If you could find some way to listen to or maybe even befriend Vicious Vikki and Raging Rachel...maybe they would feel like less of a threat or cause less turmoil in your life?? Sorry, if I'm way off base here of if I have misunderstood you...I could be totally wrong about all this...just some of my thoughts on what you've said.
ReplyDeleteSherilyn, you are a jewel amidst the light. Take one day at a time and let love, peace, and happiness embrace you. God bless.
ReplyDeleteBalls out, I love your truth, your passion, your bravery to open yourself to us and your ability to say what is in your mind, your heart and filling your soul. Rock on.
ReplyDeleteThe film 'Revolver' is not a great film. But it affected me in a very real way. It helped me realize that the 'voices' in my head are my Ego, and that I don't always have to listen to them.
ReplyDeleteHere are the short videos shown during the credits of that film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ0dcgd1XLg
By the time these credits were playing, I was weeping, not from pain, or fear or anger any longer, but from the joy of feeling free from the 'twins' that came out on my head telling their truths, and protecting me from everything out there.
I embraced my twins, and realized their rightful place inside me, and opened the gates, and doors, and let them out. Now I am a different person.
I'm very happy to find your blog. I understand your feelings about the twins and that getting rid of them might release you from past pain. Take this advice as you like (but it has helped me): ignore them and they will fade into oblivion. Don't name them, don't kill them -- these acts make them even more entangled with your soul. Taking the action of getting rid of the pain with the pain itself won't work. Do you like to make things with your hands? Working with my hands has been my saving grace. Much love and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteCheryl
Dear,these "evil twins" belong to you.As long as you fight against them,they will always come back again.We are here to live EVERYTHING that is in us.We have parts of our personalities that we hate and want to get rid of.The only way to get rid of them is to let them BE,which means accepting them as a living part of yourself.I have been in this situation myself,and still am everyday.I am gifted with "the sight",which means I can see through the masks of many people,knowing what is going on with them.This may sound like a great thing,but the shadow follwing that gift is,to tell the people right in their faces what goes wrong in their lives.And to use this power in a destroying way,as many people can not cope with it.It is my "karma" to see,but not to speak,unless I am asked to do so.This is hard,because another aspect of my personality is eager to be loved and recognized as the one "who sees".A part of my ego wants to be recognized as "the superior beeing who knows".As long as I keep that in mind,I can be a real help to many who ask me about what to do.I need to be alert and realize that this gift comes THROUGH me,but not FROM me,can you understand that?The moment I accepted it as a part of me and stopped fighting it,it was not a threat anymore,I could use it in a "good" way,as it is meant to be.What I want to tell you is,that EVERYTHING that IS, is ok,even if we humans think it is not good.We label things with "good" and "bad",but whoever you believe in as a god or a superior beeing is not judging this way.Things just ARE,and as they are,they are meant to be lived,not surpressed or killed.Your twins come out under the influence of wine,because you loose control with alcohol and the surpressed parts of your personality can come out more easily.Please try to make peace with your demons rather than fighting them.It is the hardest thing in life to do-looking in the mirror and recognizing YOU with everything you ARE.Integrating everything,even the things you think are evil.I hope you can understand what I´m trying to say...All my love,kisses aGem
ReplyDeleteYou can hide your anger, ignore it, or bludgeon it into exhaustion, but I've found that it has fantastic endurance. These aspects of yourself can take all the hatred, or dislike, or dismay you can throw at them. They were built as defenses, and they'll stand up to you as much as to the world. But somewhere, a long time ago, maybe, they had real reasons to be angry. There were genuine reasons for them to be built. Observing is the first step, but only the first. Exploring, expressing, and accepting are different steps that can help relieve you of some of the weight of childhood. You might have been carrying your twins for most of your life and they get heavy. Like small children, you need to find safe ways to put them down and play while you go about your day. Make things, write things, do things that express the anger without hurting anyone else, and when you pick up the twins from the playground at the end of the day, they will feel lighter. Someday, your anger won't need them. But you will always need to address the mind as well as the heart - and you seem to be excellent with both.
ReplyDeleteI can be really nasty sometimes too. It is a defense mechanism. It's hard to tell when it's appropriate or not, sometimes it seems as if most people are quite cruel. Love everyone seems like such a naive ideal. . .ah well. We continue on the best we can.
ReplyDeleteI think this is your most personal share yet, Sherilyn! Thank you very much for sharing. Just remember to NEVER, EVER feel like your fucked up or worthless. You're simply trying to live life and deal with the never ending complexities of being in a relationship, raising children, working in the crazy world that is Hollywood. You are human and to be human is to be flawed. I've also been waiting for that wonderful chapter of my life to begin. But who knows if it ever will? I don't think we can ever stop the roller coaster ride of life, but it would be nice if the turns weren't as sharp sometimes. I've been following you on Twitter, and I'm so happy you've found your half-sister! And I'm happy you saw my favorite film of this year, Bright Star! Jane Campion once said, very similarly to Mr. London, that when you shine a light on dark places in yourself and others, you turn the dark into love and understanding. That's what your doing with your sharing, Sherilyn. God bless.
ReplyDeleteDo not beat yourself up too much about these issues. A lot of the "demons" we carry within us are there for a very necessary reason, they are just not used properly. When you don't push those energies into the proper channels they tend to turn self-destructive. In the Western Mystery Tradition there is a practice called "Goetia" where people would evoke "demonic" energies and put them to work. One way of looking at it is these demonic beings are already inside you, spreading pain and mayhem everywhere in your life that they can. Taking their natural abilities and perverting them into destructive rather than constructive methods. Raging Rachel and Vicious Vicky are there for a reason, but until you acknowledge them, accept them and find a place for them to put what they do to more constructive uses, they will continue to cause problems.
ReplyDeleteThere are many, many different practices to help with this. I have used the Golden Dawn and Thelemic ritual to great effect as well as more classical Goetia. Other systems like Gurdjief's system, the Reichian and Jungian therapy, mind entrainment via sound/light machines, meditation, yoga, some of the hemi-sync programs, good diet and general psychological self-exploration are also very good for work like this.
I wish you the best of luck!
NoonBlueApples
So basically Rachel and Vicky are your fear and insecurity, right? I can completely relate to that and I think we all have a Rachel and Vicky inside of us. The only difference is not all of us have given them a name (because we don't like to acknowledge them) and not all of us want to confront Rachel and Vicky (because it takes courage and complete honesty).
ReplyDeleteYou are constantly willing to improve yourself, so part of that journey is dealing with Rachel and Vicky. You are also a person who is very honest and therefore not only appreciate and expect honesty from others, but also from yourself.
I used to think being honest was THE way to go. The truth might hurt, but at least it's the truth and somehow my character can take the truth far better than lies, excuses or other B.S, as horrible as some truths might feel/be.
However, I have had learn that the truth can be expressed in different ways. Just because I was honest didn't mean I had to be blunt to others. I may have been a person/am a person that can take bluntness (not to say I enjoy it, but I can handle it), that doesn't mean it applies to others. I had to learn that we are not all the same and some people do not handle bluntness very well. In fact, some people would stop listening, detach themselves or get very defensive when I told them my truth! Consequently, I still didn't manage to get my trught/message across. I didn't manage to communicate with the other person basically and that was what I wanted.
I am at times irrational, jealous and insecure. Not jealous in regards to material things, but jealous in my relationships. So I guess I have a Poison Ivy, Green Hulk and a Wally the wallflower. I have had to learn to accept them and deal with them in the best possible way. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.
You are soooooo NOT fucked up!!!! You have managed to stay human, NORMAL (whatever that means) and humble despite being in Hollywood, despite going through things in life. You are sooooooo worthy of all the love, affection and attention you can get, BUT you need to believe you deserve it! If you don't believe it, how can you then ever attract it. If you want the universe to give you something, you have to ask for it. You believed you would make it as an actress, you need to have the same believe you are worthy of love.
Why? Well because you have so much to offer, you are honest and a good human being, a great mother, a person who is willing to develop herself and there is no reason why you are not worthy of love. No reason whatsoever!
Not all men leave, but they may leave if YOU want them to. If you want them to stay, why would they leave? You obviously hurt people when you feel fragile and vulnerable. It is not justified, but it does explain it. I lash out when I feel most vulnerable and I take it out on the people closest to me. I do that because deep in my heart (so pass the Poison Ivy, Green Hulk and Wally) I know those people will be there no matter what.
So, what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't deny, fight or try to extinghuish Rachel and Vicky. I think you should learn to control them in a balanced and healthy way. Allow them to come up every now and then, but try not let them take control of you. Does that make sense? It's human to have those feelings and to acknowledge them because denying them or fighting them artificially will only come back to haunt you.
Also, the reason Rachel and Vicky play such a big role has also to do with your self-image and self-confidence. Or at least that's my experience. When my self-image or self-confidence is low Poison Ivy, Green Hulk and Wally flourish! It's so annoying, but they feed on low self-esteem. That's when I surround myself with strong, beautiful friends who encourage me and remind me why it's great to be a woman. That's when I do things to build up my self-esteem. Maybe you should do that too? Before RAchel and Vicky take control you should do stuff to diminish them.
Love,
GS
Even the meanest people are mainly driven by fear and pain. The religious notion of compassion is informed by this. The risk is internalizing this fear oneself. I try to take a page from martial arts. Of course there is no defense against insanity. Internalizing it oneself is not an advisable answer. At least if one wants relative peace of mind. A good response to ill will is good will. This usually confounds and placates the source. Also protects others from this source. Maybe the notion that ill will is actually a disguised cry for help could be considered. That being said, I think that some see the world as a battleground. If you can recognize them, retreat is advised.
ReplyDeletepeace
Dear GS and all others who responded,
ReplyDeleteI am crying and thankful for all the AMAZING advice and support you have given me. Truly.....
Words cannot express it... I am blown away.
All my love!!!!
sherilyn
dear sherilyn-who-shines:
ReplyDeleteif you killed the twins, then my love in memory of them, for they fulfilled their role and portion. if you relented, then my love to them in hope - for they may be transmuted yet by your will and heart. no light without darkness, no darkness without light. (and love, as always, to you.)
michael
I may be way off, but I think once you learn to embrace them as being part of you but not who you really are then you will go to a higher place. Does that make sense? It is like this is a part of you, but isn't who you are. Who you are at your core is a beautiful enlightened person. Someone who loves and wants to make the world a better place. Someone who has so much refreshing life to give to others. I hope this makes sense. Anyway, have a good journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Sheryl. I helped me to read this.
ReplyDeleteI have a similar 'deamon', I call her 'my judge'. She thinks she is helping me by constantly pointing out my flaws and tell me nobody likes me, and that I don't deserve anybody's love if I'm not perfect. Not really helpful though, is it?
For a while lately she thought it'd help me if I try to get out of all my troubles by falling, she made me crave falling - not dieing, but falling itself. But then i turned my falling fantasies into Buffy the vampire slayer-like killings of The Judge - really detailed stuff where I'm piercing her through the heart with a long pointy dagger, and it feels good tokill my inner judge like that. I need those fantasies if she gets to harsh on me, and she's always harsh - after all, it is her job to judge. The slaying seems to keep her at bay.
My two cents :)
I was on IMDb and noticed that it's Ray Winstone's birthday. So I looked at his films and remembered DARKNESS FALLS and your story about it. I decided to reread that. Really good! Looking forward to your book. I'm sure you will tell us. You're a rare person that can open up to others. Then I thought of my own motives. I wonder if you feel the same obligation to tell your story like I do. I'm working on an autobiography myself. Though I think I'll make it a roman a clef. I have a vivid imagination and I'm not sure at this late date that I'll get it right. Maybe it's like Fred Madison said 'I like to remember things the way I like to remember them, not necessarily the way that they happened'. I could point to Jack Kerouac and Jerzy Kosinski in this regard. Kosinski even called them 'auto fictions'.
ReplyDeletePrinces Diana's death was so sad! Brought me to tears a few times. I could say the same for John Kennedy Jr.'s passing also. Made all the more poignant by their youth, intelligence and beauty.
So I will definitely see DARKNESS FALLS as soon as I can.
peace and good luck