What the fuck too so long???!!!

Wow...... I promised myself that I would not read comments but after waiting so long to actually write again, I did. A secret self sabotage, I thought people would mirror my lack of worth, dodgy uneducated writing skills, you name it..... only to be shocked to the point of tears. So I sit hear, tears drying, Wall-e playing for my "what can i fuck with next", angel 2 year old boy. Yes, yes I know, a contradiction. I seem to be a walking one. I need to thank you who have shared these kind words with me. It is astounding to me that complete strangers seem to actually care and sometimes have kinder words than those close to me. It shows me that we are all connected and there is much love in this world. Thank you.

I need to remember this right now because I have just been passing out of a kind of dark night of my soul. A time where I watched my world crumbling around me, and where I have accountability for some of it, as is often the case, it takes more than one to create a storm. Yet in my self hate and lack of self worth, for a period of time I let ALL the blame fall on me. It almost took me down. I thought I was seriously losing my mind, was certain I did not deserve to live and was completely unstable. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life.

I have read it is called a phoenix process. A death and a rebirth but fuck, labor HURTS. I went so low that I believe I went into a sort of collective body of fear and negativity....... And am thankful to have turned a corner, gotten my power/truth back. I learned a lot about myself and am showing up in my life in a different way. It is not always easy because old habits are hard to break but I am day by day feeling more grounded and actually, God forbid, loving myself.... All of me. How shocking.....

My grandmother was a mother figure for me.....for better or worse. As she was dying of cancer I flew back and forth to Texas [NOT my hometown but where she resided] to be with her as much as possible for her last months in this life. I was 28 then and frightened to lose the strongest, most stable element of my life since my childhood. As I told her I was afraid and what would I do without her, she assured me that all would be fine. Then she said what I have never forgotten.... She said that there is only LOVE. That is all that mattered because it was behind everything. EVERYTHING. I realize this is not a new concept. Shortly after she passed I was pregnant with my first son.

My mentor, friend, teacher and father figure was a great man named Roy London. He too began his swan song shortly after my grandmother flew away. My heart was breaking wide open. But someone said that if your heart breaks enough, it starts to look like lace....... I saw Roy as much as possible fighting morning sickness and the heart break. I was told a story by his lover that I will also not ever forget.

In the last few days of my sweet Roy's life, he had a burst of energy and keep trying to get out of his hospice bed. He said he had made a mistake and needed to teach one more class before he died. He said he had been wrong. That all this time he thought it was power or love that was the motivation behind all scenes, scripts, stories. And that now he knew.... it was love. It had always been love and always would be. That that was all there is...

So the same message from two of the most loved and influential people in my life. In retrospect, other than a burning bush???? Turning knowledge into being seems a difficult task. And maybe its not something we can do, but that it does us. When the time is right. Those deaths took place 16 years ago and I am finally getting it on a deep level. I guess I am a slow learner.

So I think of another quote by a wonderful teacher on the planet right now. His name is Jeff Foster. He says:

"Love is not something you can do. Its all there is."

I will close with that. Happy to have actually written again with more to come. At least a few a week. And again, thank you, thank you, thank you for the LOVE you have all shown me.