Whats wrong with the truth???!!!

Since I was a child I would always just call things as I saw them. Much to the dismay of my family. I had little to no filter on my mouth and not much has changed. This can bring a lot of frustration to those around me who DO NOT speak their minds or share their truth. In the 1950's nobody said the truth so as James Dean cried on screen and Marlon Brando wailed a heartfelt ,"Stelllllaaaa!!"  The world gratefully embraced them and then elevated them to icon status, thankful that finally someone was authentically sounding the notes of the heart. [Mind you, not as many woman were allowed that revealing truth, ha, the patriarch. But that is another conversation altogether. Blog to follow at a later date]

 As I lost myself in my 20's, as most do to materialism, narcissism, and the basic pursuit to "make my mark" [sprinkled with the ever present abuse of drugs and alcohol, it was a confusing and lonely time. I was trying to be who everyone else thought I should be. Or who I saw being successful. And who the acknowledgement from the public and fans wanted me to be. Yes, I had money. Yes, I had relations with attractive and sometimes "famous" men. Yes, I had a promising career. But what was it promising?!! More sleep from my true self? More distance from the authentic child who said what she saw and felt. More of the running on the hamster wheel of trying to keep up with the Jone's. Or the Julia's.  When I hated her and her "work", and crocodile tears??!!!

 What a lie on so many levels I was living but I was the last person to know it. How could I see it through all the shiny accolades and endless photo shoots. Wasn't I living the Hollywoodland dream??!!! My biggest leap back to truth was having my son, Myles when I was 28 years old. Someone, perfect and beautiful, OUTSIDE of ME to focus on. To love and to care for. Unconditional love. Someone who will never leave me.... :{  Of course, 3 months in, I was in Africa filming with him in tow. But to my credit he was on every location I worked on. After all, WHO was gonna pay for the extreme lifestyle I had set up for myself. I was living the seed my mother had planted: Always make your own money so you never have to count on a man.

 Through constant seeking and disappointing disillusionment from the business over the next 16 years we fast forward to me, now. I am thrilled to report that I , with big mouth in tact, I am back. It was a hard and extremely painful road at times but worth every step. I like to describe ,myself as the one who is screaming that the emperor is naked!!! My best friend/lover/life partner Dylan takes it a step further. He says I am the screaming,"The emperor is naked!!!!! And he has a small dick!!!"  OK, he is accurate. 

My dear friend was sharing about who I am to a client of hers. And they replied that I sound like a very nice person. She promptly corrected them. "Oh, she's not nice, but she's honest!" It hurt a little but I laughed and still do at the accuracy of these statements. To thine own self, be true. And now I am. It only took 44 years to get here, with still a lot of work ahead of me. 

This blog is part of the sharing of my unfiltered truth. If you like it, read on. If not, never read again. You see, it makes no difference to me.  So I ask, what's wrong with the truth???!!!! Isn't it easier then living in the tangled web of lie after lie after lie. Isn't it cleaner to just honestly know and see oneself. Isn't this where our consciousness is headed. I understand these are rhetorical questions. They are meant to be.

 We can lie to others all day long and many times they will never know. But how long can one continue to lie to oneself??? You cannot run from yourself be cause wherever you go, there you are. And maybe you are just missing the absolute beauty and truth that exists in the seeming flaws. My dearest teacher Roy London, who passed used to illustrate this to me in this fact. When a rose blossoms, there is ALWAYS one flawed petal. Always ONE FLAWED PETAL. Of course, the florist will pluck it off because its not so pretty to look at. But I believe when we begin to see the beauty in the flaws, and accept and embrace them, it is the beginning of self love."

 And that's all I have to say about that..." Thank you Forrest Gump.