What IS fashion???

Heeyyyyyy !!!!! I am back and blowing up my blogs into the whole of my life. So yes I will still share what's going on in my journal-esque form but life is good and God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

So in my joy and newfound contentment because of God lets share and have some fun!!

Let's talk fashion.

Oh no, not that runway, what in and out, I'm 12 and posing on magazine covers fashion...

I mean the fashion that never gets old. The fashion that never dies. The fashion that needs nobody's approval or validation.

The honest fashion of  you being you!

As a child, I had a very distinct and unique sense of style. So desperate to fit in and be a part of a fallen world where originality is stomped out, laughed at and forbidden lest you simply step out of the lies of the tribe of wanna be clones. So I created my own unique look.

There are so many fashion statements that are cultural, geographical even psychological.

I beg of you escape from it all. The real soul inside of us all longs to be free.

Like when you were a child and you simply did not give a damn what anybody thought or said or did. We were all free back then. Free to play and dance and sing. I am pointing to us all turning and in fact running back to that part of us.

We  cannot enter the kingdom of heaven lest we be like children.  What does that mean. It means without self judgement, malice, self hate, self consciousness. Yes for others as well, but it really does begin with us.

Because when we are solidly who we are, truly loving ourselves and not caring or needing others validation.... that is when we are truly free.

Yes it is not easy in this fallen world. Yes it takes personal work. Yes it is swimming against the tide. But make like the beautiful salmon and do it. Soon there will be more and more of us truly authentic, happy, joyful people living this gift of life. All things worthwhile take some work.

Get over it, get on with it. A joyful, God intended future awaits you.

You inner child is yearning to be released from the prison she/he was put into with layers of cover the older we got. And when it doesn't have intervention and change we crystalize and get hard, bitter and remain unhappy and dissatisfied for the rest of our days.

So it is a new day !!!!! Lets have some fun. Most of this blog has gone from the inside out. And I will still explore that to was it is necessary.  Now I am gonna to also share going from the joyful outside in! Starting with the idea and lie of fashion.

I was on a set I worked on for a few years when one day my director and lead actor made an observation about me. They said: YOU THEME DRESS. I did not know what the hell they meant and asked them to explain further. They shared that my style was a non-style and was too eclectic to stick into one category. One day-they shared- you look like a surfer, the next a cowgirl, the next a Catholic school girl and the next a 1950's pin up girl.

At first this distressed me. Yes this was a famaliar observation, that I did not sort of 'fit in' and I thought about it a lot. Finally years later, praise and glory for the wisdom age brings, I realized that there are many parts to me.

That I don't fit into a box. (Boxing Helena) That it was ok to be who I am. And that from day to day depending on my mood, I DO dress in different ways.

I also realized that my dressing up in different ways was completely related to me as a child. Oh how I loved to dress up in different ways and pretend to be different people. All the stories I would make up in my mind and in my imagination. Yes, it was an escape from a painful childhood but who cares? It was my escape. It worked then and it still works to this day.

What I wear very much will reflect  where I am and what I am feeling in my life. So sometimes I can even use it as a tool to feel better. Put on a new dress or purchase one. Buy new pretty lingerie. All for me. Not for the public. Not for my family. Not for a man. For me. And it makes me feel better. I smile more and feel better.

Of course this will not eliminate the internal work that we all must do to be free fro the past. It is just another tool. And it is unhealthy to stay in that 'dark, work on my shit place' all the time. We cannot change the past, only our relationship to it. Discover. Uncover. Recover. Amen.

So in my world fashion equals individuality. Feeling good.

The fabric needs to be fabric that feels good on my skin. No more wrapping myself up in some tight piece of whatever, seeking attention. Exposing myself in an overt way where lets face it-who wouldn't look if your kitties are hanging out.

I believe the statistic is that something like 93 percent of adverts use sex to sell products. All kinds of products. ITs comical once you start to actually see it. And what is sex? Only the most physical intimacy two people can have???!!!! And it is exploited here in ways that I will not even go into. That will be another post. Suffice to say, to me it is sacred.

When we have the courage to be free in how we express ourselves externally, it begins to seep in internally as well. Take things you like and put them together. They need not be 'in style' or even match. Remember when all of a sudden grunge was en Vogue? That trend was very laughable. Those people who dressed like that did so before the craze, during the craze and after, even to this day. They are who they are. And that to me is an art form.

Be who you are. Yes we can take ideas from some things we see. Of course we will. But to feel you must have it all, and wear it just as someone else did is a prison and a lie. THAT is a programing that the world has put into us. It is a lie. Be in the world but not of the world. Even if you are someone who dresses weird. WHO CARES ! If it is you in your skin. Unless you do it for attention....another blog altogether.

Halston, Gucci, Fiorucci.......prisons they are. It is all fronting. All this designer and that designer. Seek to be who the Author made you to be. GOD. The Creator has made you far more interesting then any designer on this planet could.  Not to mention  the cost of that path is blood money. ITs car and house payments. It's crazy is what it is.

Don't buy the lie.

You are perfect as you are. You are not made to fit in but to stand out. In your own unique way.

 That is fashion. Be in your own fashion.

So be loud and proud. Seek to dress the real soul, the authentic you. When you are happy and truly, truly comfortable with the perfect you that God made you to be-the world will reflect that back. And those too asleep in their materialistic, shallow existence to see it....f*** 'em.m Bless 'em and f*** 'em. They matter not.

I share this as it took me many years to come to this wisdom. Especially in a business that is so filled with lies. I pray you hear me and not need to go through any more pain of changing who you are authentically to 'fit in.' There is nothing down that path. It is the hamster on the wheel going around and around and getting nowhere.

These days i have been sketching a line of dresses that I am gonna co-create with an experienced seamstress as I have yet to learn that part of it. As I sketch I feel a joy I have not felt for many years. I feel like a child. It is so much fun. I am loving it and excited to share it with my sisters of the world.
The visions are coming from my heart. Working and living from there is everything. I feel reborn.

OF course this cannot all be said without the acknowledgement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And He, His word, His teachings have nothing to do with religion. In fact, if you ever study Him you will see He did not teach religion. He taught LOVE. He came to free us. And He who sets you free I free indeed. He actually fought and with the 'holy men' who bastardized God's word for their own selfish purposes. But again, another post for another time.

I send you forth as divine, individual, unique sheep amongst materialistic, fronting, uncreative dead clone wolves. Therefore be as gentle, beautiful and original as doves -fly baby fly- and as strong, unfazed and unrelenting in your truth as you can be. With God at your side.

He will never ever leave you. Believer or not. HE still loves you and will never, ever leave you.

Check out my current faves... so much fun to make for each of you!! I'm happy to autograph them or just make them with love and send them your way!

Click here to get your order in now! Size

Size 5 $248.88 USD Size 6 $248.88 USD Size 7 $248.88 USD Size 8 $248.88 USD Size 9 $248.88 USD Size 10 $248.88 USD Size 11 $248.88 USD

SPRING FLING AT MY NEW WEBSITE FOR THIS WEEKEND ONLY OF NEVER BEFORE SEEN PLAYBOY PICTURES.     www.sherilynfennxo.com

Sending you all love and light

PLEASE COME TO MY WEBSITE !!!!!! http://www.sherilynfenn.love

Good morning!

As of my birthday on Feb 1st, 2017 I will finally have a website that is amy inclusive with connections to my new blog, all social media, a current monthly newsletter  and a store as well....

Please subscribed stay in touch.

I value all of this my sacred family more than these mere words can express. I hope you will continue on this strange and beautiful journey with me for as long as God allows.

See you on the flip side.

With much gratitude and LOVELOVELOVE

Sherilyn
xxxoooxxxooo

A Swan Song.........

Good day to you who comes to visit. I thank you for your support and the shares of similar truths we are experiencing as we "are surfing Armageddon".  My beloved shrink ROBERT LORENZ used to say.  RIP......... He did not mean it in any radical biblical sense......And for me and my direct experience in life these days .......that is what it feels like. A surfing through these amazing dualities.

For me personally , with our limited language......it feels like a constant pressure. Sometimes right on my chest. I feel like my heart is getting pierced by so many different things. On the first level, where my children and our surviving/living in a healthy & happy way. What IS my true hearts desire now in addition to being with and helping them?

I have always wanted to be working with children. They are where I feel true joy. Children, babies, animals and elderly people.....that is my peace. IT is for me a place all is authentic and essential and perfect. OF course, being in nature has this magic as well.

I have been blessed through a few avenues to come face to face with what the business calls "fans".....and I call them a sort of sacred family. TO be in the presence of too many souls to count & in this strange dream of a life, to be in touch with many through social media, has given me so much more than the business ever did.

I have come to the realization that I really no longer care about or....that is not the right way to say it..... With the truth of things as they stand for me, meaning I am proud and truth be told a bit shocked that people loved Audrey so much they sometimes call her an icon. It is such an honor. It is enough for me.

Of course, enough includes my body of work which began at least 7 yrs before Twin Peaks and went on another 23 years after that. In that time I loved most of what I did and hated some too. The point is that I do not have the ambition anymore. I don't care. Sometimes there is something that I become passionate about, but there is a long list of far more accomplished actresses than I that will be offered it first, etc. As well they should.

Bless them. I don't care. I am of course convincing myself on some level because to be blessed to have such wonderful experiences in my life, the people, especially my teachers....of life.... I can have nothing but immense gratitude for it all. It has been a dramatic ride.

I am happy to be 51. I love to not have this mantle of being that girl. That SEX object. It is in every film and now most tv shows. They even much to my dismay wanted me to dose nudity for SHAMELESS...........i was really devastated..... And I did it. And can only hope for the best.

If the drama of our personal stuff is not enough...... There is a piercing on the level of those close to us. Like a circle around the personal circle. Family, loved ones, friends, no friends, animals, depending on how open you are determines how much of this comes in.

Then the world circle......things all over this planet that are happening as I write. Things that for me, I literally have to shield myself from. I have to much of a reaction and anyway, I can feel in my body when really bad things are happening. I get sick.

Truly these circles more than likely go on and on....but Ill end with the infinite circle of the beautiful universe. what we can see and all we cannot.

TO take so much on personally is just a lot of ego. And ego innocently tries to protect us but separates. divides. Judges. Tries to conquer.

I do not know what tomorrow holds. At all. And that is exciting and scary. But it felt more scary to feel that I was trapped here in LA< pursuing something so illusive and deeply heart breaking at times.
As if in this big beautiful world I still needed that.

This is a very transitory place to be in. I am sharing a lot that has come to me recently. I know that the answers are always shown to us. I am sharing because I wonder if a lot of us now are feeling a pull to do something more heart felt in their life.

Too many tears.....for too many years......too many tears.........i need to dance my swan song....

Live to Love!!!!! Blessing to ALL of us to find our birthright......LOVEPEACE

P.S. My friends. Please forgive me but I only do a spell check then just post. I don't reread it. So, if it is bumpy in places, maybe just go with it....or not

Some things..........a release

Some things must be said.
 Some things, they must be said.  But please keep your pity for yourself.....for where you are blind.

I feel something inside of me changing, birthing.... I cannot stay like this any longer.
These thoughts hold me prisoner, even this writing could be dangerous........yet something must be said. Some things.........

I am so contradictory. It is exhausting riding the moods of my mind. Mixed with the truth of the world  in all its breaking down. And a deep seeded need to feel safe and secure in a world with no such thing....

I have filed for bankruptcy. I will need to turn in my car in Feb. I need a much cheaper place with my son. I am scared. I have been working. We have a simple life. And yet we have nothing.  From working  my boys are taken care of  when i pass. Thank God...

My sons are the best experiences of my life. By far. I love deeper everyday from knowing these two angels. They have and continue to make life worth living. They have shown me a love that never was born, nor shall it ever die. The safest place I have ever known on this planet is within the love of my sons Myles and Christian.

Its as everyone shares, in the blink of an eye its gone....possibilities.....sometimes dreams.....the rosebud blossom, childhood and than one's child's childhood.

My mother loves to share the story with me of how I was born a month "late" and how I did not want to come out into this world. Then, I was born quickly, three pushes she says. Maybe I saw the tongs they were gonna grab at my head with.........nnnooooooooo........

I feel her story. I feel it inside of me in the deepest place. Yes how I love to curl up into a ball and hide under my covers, with loud fans whirling creating a womb like sound.
The things that continue to happen here astound me and make me feel disease in  my bones. I try to shield myself from as much as possible. Because I already feel it and going into  it more produces a state of depression and hopelessness and fear.


I seek the tear in the fabric.  It only comes in moments. It is the quiet voice and feels a higher state. The knowing, the pulling, the flow that has and will forever propel all things forward to light. To love.....

 Something it is silly to try to put into words. It is that that is too vast to be  named.
Surrender Sherilyn....Surrender Sherri....let it be.....there is nothing to do.   It is christmas pj day with my little one.

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to your quiet voice..... It will guide you and all of us have this as our birthright.

I come here to take it to the streets and release more masks this frightened world has made a belief of wearing them and hiding. Instead of shedding them and......gliding......truthfully.....xxoo

Love and Light, as always

Doors

Hello....i love you won't you tell me your name.

Maybe it was easier living back then and just tripping through the doors of perception. I can only exist moment by moment, lest I crumble into a million pieces and be blown away by the winds of  change. I am lost,  found and  floating all at one time. I feel yesterday/today/tomorrow all at once. And I continue to be lived.... being pierced each moment by an indescribable pain and longing,  a bittersweet love.

Every idea of who I should be or where I should be in my life stab at me mercilessly. A numbness takes over. Its familiar. Its been here since I was so young. Although I am 50, it feels sometimes like it is yesterday. Or like it never was at all. It feels like in a snap who knows what life will now bring to me.  The only mantra of ultimate peace for me is :

 I love my two beautiful sons. I am blessed to be a mother.

They are the only ones who have all of me. And they too shall fly away. Ill keep the nest warm, God willing that I have one. I do the best I can wishing I could do even more. Is this just the same existential dilemma we all fall into? I wonder....

I must say that I am at odds with the fact that nothing is certain. I have fought this battle, always losing. I long for security and the promise "of happily ever after" from the fairy tales. But how can there be in anything....... except in moments. It just all comes back to moments. One by one and with the truth in which we allow them.

I don't remember a time in my lifetime that the world felt like this. IT feels we are all individually and collectively getting are asses kicked. That we are being shaken so that all the dead falls off of us, and it is harder to rid oneself of beliefs of lineages than leaves.

I found a few gardenia bushes sort hidden, or taking refuge from the 100 degree temps we hit in my front yard. I have been cleaning them off, watering them regularly and they are ready to have multiple buds blossom. Something about this is profound.

But i digress

Random ramblings, unedited, from over a year ago........

Write....he said.....so, write.....I shall.

It is hot outside. Swelteringly hot. Summer has come in full force to our little valley home. Upwards of 100. Feeling each time I step outside as if I am being baked like a loaf of bread. Feeling almost larger. Crustier. Complete. Ready to slather w butter and dip into some soup.

Yet non of these things describe the past few weeks of my life. I like and need to share. It soothes my soul. And whatever I am going through, I am ok. I promise you that. But my God, it has been quite a few weeks.

I notice the ebbs and flows of my well-being and wonder how they all exist together in one person. Then I am reminded that I am not just this one little person that I think I am. That I am so much more. AndI have the ability to embody it all. Yes....yes I do.

I have almost no skin it feels like. Everything just goes in. I sometimes am not even sure what it is that is happening. I feel on the verge of dying. And then I remember that I asked for this. That I prayed to be a changed woman. To grow and to learn truly. This is not easy. This is not fun or full of much grace. This is a crawling on a rocky, unpaved road as my hands and knees bleed profusely. As my heart aches. As I feel too many things and am certain I will die.

The mind is a crazy place to live. It is revealed too many times to count that it in its innocence is not my friend. It is relentless in its nature to destroy me. To do whatever it can to makes things get worse and worse.It does not matter where I go or what I do, it does not stop. It seems it is engaged in a full out war with me. And yet, who is the "me" I speak of.

There are multiple "me's" living inside of me. Many voices. Many beings. I believe this is a sort  normal state of being for most people. They all present themselves as the "I" and yet make me , this me, go a little crazy. If I indulge in this at all, I am on a deep downward spiral. Then comes self-medicating as I am certain I cannot escape the self-inflicted attack. I raise my white surrender flag to no avail. It just keeps on going.

I know so much intellectually and yet so little that can really help me negotiate these waters of Armageddon that we find ourselves in the midst of. Like the hugest storm we are all being beaten and battered to the point of not even being able to be recognized. Maybe as much as it hurts though, its a good thing. I would love to be unrecognizable emotional;ly as the person I was yesterday.

I did a lot of work, asked for some help, maybe some huge proclamations and then got my asses kicked from here to kingdom come. What did I expect really? I want these changes and than feel fightened as old pieces of me begin to die. It is the be careful what you ask for, isn't it???

Change for me is something I have never dealt with well. Too much as a child. It is something I am needing to change my relationship to.  I need to change my relationship to change....  Life IS change. Everything changes. Only all the time. Again, intellectual understandings....yes......but the reality....is that there comes a panic over me that feels suffocating and all consuming.  In these moments, nobody and nothing can help me.

I used to think they only happened when I was away from my children, wrong. Or that they only happen at night, wrong. Or that they only happen when I am dealing with something that is a big deal, wrong. What I do not know could fill many libraies.

I can even be excited about something, ecstatic even and one will creep in and destroy that as well.. And I listen.  I must confuse this voice with the quiet one. I believe the nonsense it says. The drama it creates. The problems it starts. The lies it tells. The relationships it ruins. My mistake is to listen.

People speak of just see these thoughts as passersby. This works at times and not at all at others. We are all so complex. There is no magic pill....I know, I have searched for one for yrs. The magic pill is process. ANd in a society that hides the truth how can one walk through the madness of the world right now being honest, vulnerable and open.

A book I read speaks of the spiritual warrior as always having a sort of bittersweet place inside of him. A sort of loneliness. A sort of mourning that is also sweet tasting. I know this place well. But I always thought it was a place to try to escape from. Now I believe that I will learn to accept and coexist with it. That this is a place of truth. This is a place where it ALL is already allowed and accepted. I am the one deciding it should look different. And that is the pain. Some of it anyway.

On a lesser scale, I remember I used to be even more obsessive than I am now about having the house clean. And one day I said to myself: What if I am just one of those people with a house that is not very clean. What would that be like. It seems like a small and insignificant thing but it changed something inside of me deeply.

It is like I was given permission (albeit my OWN) to just not be so neurotic about having everything so clean. It was like a huge freedom. And all I did was to change the way I thought about something..... This does not mean that I now live in squalor. But I am not a slave to these thoughts that would have me on the hampster wheel 24/7 if they could.

I have no control over anything in my life. I am coming to see this more and more everyday. Nothing. Zero. Sorry honey, I know it is still upsetting. IT is the ultimate lie when we think that we are in control. ANything can happen at any moment and usually does disrupt all my little well thought out plans. Not that it is an unsympathetic universe or anything. But unpredictable, yes!!!! Out of my little bs control, absolutely!!!!

As I write these words I literally feel a bit sick to my stomach. I wonder why...... It evokes this and a sense of wanting to sleep, to hide, to run. To lay down and be taken care of by someone other than myself. It evokes a hot flash. A palpable fear. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach right now. If I don't take care of things....who will?????

I am in a free fall..... I have no idea what is gonna happen in the next months and years of my life. I thought they were certain. I was wrong. Always wrong. And still alone. At 48 yet with still so much work to do on myself, it seems. I get tired of looking at other peoples lives assuming they must be better than mine. It is not good to lose sight of the immense blessings and abundance that we all have in some ways in our lives.

"If you get and you quarrel everyday. You're sayin' prayers, to the devil I say.."
Bob Marley

There are times when isolating is needed. I am in the midst of this.