I am in a funk. Funk's suck. That is a fact. In ones life we all will encounter many, many funks. Too many to count really. This particular funk came a few days ago, but had been hovering for the past week. Even as I was still on the beautiful island of Contardora, the funk- she hovered. Now she sits on me in full force. I am left feeling pinned to the floor, face in the muck....unable to move....
She is a miss-mash of a lot of different issues. Emotional ones, things still needing to process, old baggage as usual, worry for the future, lack of trust in the presence, smoking a little pot again. shit..... It seems as if everything has come crashing down. When I have been on a seeming high for the past month. Since D split up with me, starting TM, have had many synchronistic things occurring, maybe I have been too in your face honest.
Must be vigilant during this time, these observations not to use this stuff as a bat to beat myself down again.
I don't know where this line is. Being too honest, too blunt, too egotistically knowing I am right when I usually am not. It has been about a month and a half since my 6 1/2 year relationship ended. This is good. Bad. And very, very difficult. They come in waves. These feelings. Huge amounts of joy and freedom and honesty w myself. Then crashing about with such a strong tide I can barely catch my breathe. Total fear. Anxiety on top my fear. Utter fear of what am I gonna do?
As my Christian was home yesterday very sick, pale with the deepest red purple cheeks and lips. So warm and as still as night. He lay on the couch in the bed we made. And watched all his old shows on Sprout. Ones he watched when he was about 2. This too was not a good time for me and my relationship w D. IT all came rushing back.
That time for me was one of the most difficult of my life, the dark night of the soul. I had hoped for no more of those nights. But they come, the emptiness etched so deeply it aches. The sobbing so deep it has no sound, only a shuddering and shaking of the jaw. Open, open, open....gently tapping my heart as Robert had done.
"You'll put anymore holes in her over my dead body." A clear threat. It stopped. But there is always more to be accountable for. More refining to do. More cleaning of the mirror. I am not ever alone because my shadow, the creature is with me. Pink sparkling nails on a keyboard in what was D's office, now is mine and soon will become whatever the next occupant deems it to be.
I am scared. The funk brings with it a whole lot of fearful gunk. I am doing what I can. I am rewriting my second children's book at my dear friends encouragement. I see from D's astute observations and knowledge of me that I have been trying to rush through what is always a process and changes and evolves all the time. There is an essential need to truly adapt to these changes and evolvement. I have always hated change perceiving it as an unsafe place. And so I walk through the world like this most of the time.
I have loved raising Christian the past 5 years, yes even through the dark nights he was always with me. As was much as much as his 6 yrs would allow him to be. But the baby and I walked through it together. I have loved being away from the business. I have loved the normal life. I have felt pretty safe and taken care of by someone else for the first time in my life. After working since I was 17 and raising my Myles alone it felt so good to me. To my heart. Just mothering, watching bad tv, cooking and caring. And seeing my Myles more as well. For a long stretch. Seventh grade to graduation. I love this.
I am forever grateful........
I also love the two virtual strangers came together so quickly and we meant to walk through so many blessings together especially that of bringing in Christian James. That we have grown so much together. That we still love each other deeply. Making a pledge of true friendship as they raise the boy together separately.
It surely doesn't help that the world is crazy with full moons and all these eclipses. "Its just all gone pear shaped. ' As my Momma on Rude Awakenings used to say. Beloved Lynn Redgrave. RIP.