It is early morning, a little after 8am. Both the children and the man have left. Peace...... Until the gardener arrives blasting outside his blower and echoing through my house. It seems whatever room I go into, they are right outside encroaching upon my this space. As I run from them.
I realize how these sounds are mirroring the madness of my mind and my thoughts of the past 2 days. Relentless. Horribly critical. Condemning. As I run from room to room, I start to laugh between my tears of utter frustration. I am trapped here. I am trapped in my mind. It is the perfect illustration of what is happening inside.
It seems Rachel and Vicky are here and they WILL be heard. I am bruised and beaten.
God, when I can see the mirror of it all. It does not make it change or hurt less....but I did laugh. And I got outside of myself for a moment and it looked like a cartoon. Me running around, crazy chichi's barking viciously, the old Lab Leon as well, the sound getting louder and louder and louder.........
The craziness of following the wild trips the mind endlessly takes me on. Without doing anything deeply creative and therapeutic it all gets locked inside of me and turns in on itself. The gift of many years of acting was exploring all my shit. And there is a lot to explore. Discover. Uncover. Recover. This process does not stop until one takes their last breath.
I want to unfold. For where I am filed, there I am a lie. Rilke
The world is so big and yet it is so small. I judge myself deeply to the core. I don't need your assistance. Thank you. This is a shallow dive back into expressing through the word. Without a plan or destination in mind. Just a sharing. Love and Light
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure what the context of your discontent is, but I so understand your need to have peace, quiet and some time on your own. People in general, whether they be loved ones or perfect strangers, can indeed be extremely irritating and make one feel low.
It's funny, because I thought about you today, oddly enough, the reason being that Prince is in town and I'm going to see his concert tonight. ALONE. It's his second visit to my city, and both times, I went/am going alone. It's my gift to myself, a powerful, mind-blowing experience...
This being said, it's not worth it to let people get to you in such a manner. Remove yourself. Breathe. And if you're the one at the root of your sorrow, do the same. I know it's easier said than done. But it's necessary if you want happiness, and being your best friend sometimes is the best possible way to attain that happiness. Just like I'm doing tonight :)
(Just proofread my text, and I realize that some of it is sort of cliché, but I'm just trying to put my feelings in words. Not that obvious!)
Take care, and most importantly, take it easy!
Gen x
Love, light and peace back at you and your loved ones, S.F.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way indoors. Indoors one is not reminded of the outside world. But the machines and cars and people noises takes one back.
ReplyDeleteBack to the fact one is not out there, living life, experiencing. It's hard to think about.
I hope writing the words makes it easier. Words usually never put the exact feeling right. I find art is much easier way of communicating.
/maria
I've missed you, and your words.
ReplyDeleteLove and Light sweet beauty.
-Ali
I'm glad you decided to share this, Sherilyn.
ReplyDeleteI think our misery at times is a form of creativity; it exists when we fail to use our creativity positively. We turn inward and unleash that critical eye on ourselves instead of channeling it into the beauty that can be appreciated, or created, in the world around us.
I recently lost my job only a few days ago, right before the holidays, and it caused a great inward leap on my behalf. All of my anxieties and feelings on life became condensed into this little space within myself, from which I felt all conclusions could be drawn. The fact of the matter is, though, that this was actually just a small job, in a small town, tucked away in a very small part of the world. I am the one who made it into something bigger than it really is through my own intellectualized feelings of hopelessness. I made it the entire world and defined myself in relation to it, when it's really not.
The truth is, anything can happen. I could take what money I have and go on a little adventure tomorrow; I could die tomorrow; I could find new love. In all likelihood I'll end up filing for unemployment while putting in applications for the next deadend job, but it doesn't take away my ability to dream -- to create. We are sole individuals, but the possibilities are vast.
I hope you can take a look at yourself and find self-affirmation through your creativity instead of stifling yourself with it. Though you have your share of family problems, it seems that there are people in your life upon whom you can rely. I'm assuming you have a very nice home at times. And we all know you're talented.
Best wishes (thanks for sharing),
Aaron
It's just a sound. It's all made up. The silence is inside the sound.
ReplyDeleteAll things shall pass. Keep your delicate chin upwards and remember to breathe. xo
ReplyDeleteSo good to see words from you again. It has been quite awhile. I hope that means your manuscript is well on its way to being finished. Peace be with you and may your light be shining bright my friend. StanTheMan
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I decided to check in, just on the off chance you had posted here.
ReplyDeleteI have missed your words, you describe exactly what I've been feeling but haven't the capabilities of putting into words. So many days of actual screaming/shouting in an empty house [I feel bad for my neighbours] I'm worn out.
I don't know why but hearing my frustrations mirrored in someone else makes me feel a little better, selfish of me maybe but s'true and I'm thankful to you for having the strength to post for others to read.
I've missed hearing from you.
Sophie.
You find peace in small moments...brief, fleeting...just when you think you know yourself, more is revealed internally and externally...lately i smoke to expel the anguish...like a control mechanism...love and light Sherilyn xxx
ReplyDeleteHow beautiful...
ReplyDeleteI've discovered this person, these words, and now a part of myself. Thank you Sherilyn.
Dear Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteCourage! For me you are the strong and beautiful person!
But the more strongly the person is, the be deeper the despair can!
I wish you to leave this black tunnel towards to light!
I embrace and admire you,
yours sincerely,
Inga
Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to let you know I'm sending you love, positive thoughts, beautiful light & poitive energy to help you through your dark days. Your words are extremely powerful, truthful and I thank you for sharing your personal writings. I still will never forget your kind response to me on twitter. I was touched just by a simple response. You are beauty and light. Never forget that. Keep shinning.
-Detra Thorn
Hello :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I have too much noises around me that I feel almost the neccessity to go to a quiet place. And sometimes, there is so few noises around me that I'm afraid.. Uh! Strange...
This calm, this needed place, around us is become a luxury.
I think that it miss you something where you can express yourself such as painting, drawing or any other things that release you and your inner demons...
You know when we make something coming from our minds, we almost forget ourselves and the outside world, we still feel it but in a different way ... And this because we are doing our stuffs AND we like to do them... and after share them. But, yes it needs time to do, and for do this we look more selfish, but this isn't the case!
For my part, for the coming year, I took as a personal commitment to make a paint shop and make a dedicated location where I can write.
I think that the things around us must help us to find us... And not losing ourselves.
Sorry for my english as usual :)
With affection,
Dam.
An engrossing blog by a fascinating person. Sherilyn, you were born on an important day, known variously as Imbolc, the feast of St. Brigid, and Candlemas. Continue to be a light to others and you will find the light yourself. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to see you've written again. I think you're beautiful inside and out, and/so I always look forward to your posts. :)
ReplyDelete"I judge myself deeply to the core. I don't need your assistance" rang true to me. I feel the same. I have always loved the scene in the film Ordinary People in which Conrad and his dad are talking and Conrad says, "You should have been harder on me, yelled at me more often, really let me have it!" And his dad, beautifully portrayed by Donald Sutherland, responds with something like, "You were always so hard on yourself, I never had the heart." That is so "me," and it sounds like, so "you," as well. The older I get, I believe more and more that kindness of all kinds solves so many problems.
Much Love to you--and happy holidays, :)
Val
you rock miss fenn. always.
ReplyDeleteWow- that was beautiful. I only wish I could write about my own life so eloquently.
ReplyDeleteDear Sherilyn,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting again. Fans like me are still checking in with you. How is your book coming along? Have a peaceful, healthy, blessed 2012 and please keep posting! :)
God bless, Sandy
Hi again Madam Shines!
ReplyDeleteI happen to be a most unusual seer. I say the words a person has to hear. I move their realities effortlessly, for the better, as life requires me to.
I will answer your questions should you choose to ask them. Preferably not in public, for it is souls that I see. I suggest a temporary, secondary email address, and to use it to say "hi" on mine.
Essentially, it's a matter of coming to terms with ghosts of the past. We always are "new" compared to our parents, we can and should always choose to outgrow them, instead of living in the cage of their expectations. Real or imaginary.
Because you can't run from yourself.
With love.
You can be all the facets of yourself in harmony thank to that thing, love. In harmony with your loved ones as well.
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=338205&Date=12%2F30%2F2011&Name=Argo&Query=Beloved+God%2C+a+word+for+Sherilyn+maybe%3F&Deck=&Reading=single&Reverse=on
little miss fenn i just watched your movie 2 moon junction for the first time and i have to ask you as to what your thoughts were when you first read the script oh and by the way you have a very creative imagination and intellect and id say it comes from your euro genes and yes you are right that your mind needs to know the answers and the truth and it feels as if you keep stumbling through life until that day comes when you fully understand the answers and it feels great miss fenn once your eyes finally open as a matter of fact its the best feeling in the world. Richard7632@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteI am glad to find that there are new posts at last -- was worried Sherilyn had decided this wasn't worth the candle, or was caught up in disruptive troubles. Just caught up to several blogs I missed originally (why didn't my email sub alert me?) and must write to say I'm among those truly looking forward to the forthcoming book. Such a good and evocative writer -- it will be an instructive series of tales to be sure. Thanks for sticking it out, Miss F. God bless you and keep you.
ReplyDeleteSherilyn..it's a privilege to be able to read some of your beautiful words. I first started reading your blog when I became a fan of prince and read your passage about the time you shared with him. I absolutely adore him and enjoyed reading so much!! If you ever have time please please please continue with the story as I really cannot wait for the next chapter!!
ReplyDeleteMuch love xxoooxxxoo
Nah, she is experiencing gifts and challenges of creativity, desire, gifts of fire, to transmute.
ReplyDeleteA man called David Shade has a lot to say about such transmutation.
*Shhh...
Hi im from india and im a big admirer of yours.. i dunno if you ll ever read dis, but pls don stop blogging... coz dis is the only way thru which we can get to know more about you and your life...
ReplyDeleteIm sure one day, this world would have more actresses like you, who stands for what they believe in... You are a wonderful human being...
I have nothing but respect and admiration for you...
Hi Sherilyn, I had no idea that you dated Prince, which is where I started reading your blog. I have been a huge Prince fan since the mid-'80s; I have practically all of his albums. I, too, request that you continue telling your experience with the artist formerly known as O(+>. I have always been a fan of you, as well, as I remember indelibly your performances in "Just One of the Guys" and then later in "Of Mice and Men." You are exotically beautiful and exquisitely talented. I feel honored in responding to your blog on here. Xoxo, E
ReplyDeleteHey, Sherilyn. Hope all is well. Fan of yours from way back, to be honest, some things more than others, but I understand totally the need to a) branch out b) keep workin', and c) be a contributor independent of the final product. To be sure, the best bits are incandescent.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea as to your eloquence. Have you ever thought of screenwriting? Probably, I know, most actors who I know who have achieved your level of achievement and thoughtfulness have a lesser-known current pursuit for screenwriting, becoming a shredding guitar player or both. For all I know, you're perched on a stool of prospective scripts of your authorship, stacked up Sherilyn-seat-size :).
Your post down-blog about the dignity of being a parent is stunning and spot-on. Thanks for your sharing.
Dear Sherilyn, I wish you a happy birthday! Just like you I was born on 1 Feb 1965. Let us both celebrate that we reach the wonderful age of 47 today. Best regards from Bo Peterson, Sweden. ielbo@passagen.se
ReplyDeleteHave a sweet and warm Day of Birth! xoxo
ReplyDeleteHappy (belated) birthday!
ReplyDeleteGeez, for some reason I thought that you had stopped blogging. I think you mentioned writing as book.
ReplyDeleteFor my part, I use a mantra to quiet and calm the mind. No, not TM, just the Nicheren nam-myoho-renge-kyo . It could be a magic feather but it works. Mantras give the mind something to focus on. Almost like a radio tuning into the station correctly and the background noise fades. It's said that anything can be a mantra. You can make one up. After all all words are extensions of the original, as Thomas Aquinas alluded to.
I just reopened my blog. I originally started it to respond to you. I'm still an IMDb maven and I heard about your blog on the Twin Peaks message board. So on a music chat room a blogger is posting and I wanted to respond to him. I realized that I already have one.
I hope you haven't given up on that book. Like I said, you're a good writer. You have the knack.
I bought SHADOW MEN from the Best Buy site. Loved it! Dean Stockwell is too cool! But I'm an X-File fan so.... Not an easy thing to portray, an abductee. I had a Facebook account for a time and one of my friends is one. She still has a difficult time dealing with it. So many implications and effects on your life it can be overwhelming. Have you seen THE FOURTH KIND ? That's taken from testimonials and gives a good idea about abduction.
Now to hunt down RUBY . Best Buy didn't have it. There's so many movies! Gee, maybe there'll be a Twin Peaks sequel judging by Psych episode. They obviously loved it. (that ending where everyone's dancing around the diner. ha) You've already had the prequel. I love that you went to the Twin Peaks Fest. And Jennifer Lynch also! Too cool! Bet that was a blast judging from the You Tube videos. I'd love to at least visit the town. I hope you've seen http://www.intwinpeaks.com
cheers
Sherilyn, I thank you so much for writing this blog, and shining your beautiful light on the world. You have an amazing gift, and your words are a blessing to those who come upon them. I have been so inspired by your thoughts about womanhood, motherhood...the human condition in general. Whatever words of criticism you may encounter in your own mind or from the external world as you courageously hone these beautiful jewels of thought, please do not stop writing. Sometimes when one encounters this ingrained voice of criticism or resistance from other sources, it's an indication that we are doing just what we should be - healing, exploring, struggling, living. It is not easy, but it is how beauty is born!
ReplyDeleteI am an energy healer, and I see a lot of similarities between our life’s work and philosophies. If you haven't yet explored the world of energy healing, you may find it fascinating and extremely beneficial. Actually - what you are doing IS energy healing; this is just a reminder that you don't have to go it alone, and a hand extended in sisterhood. ;)
Sending you magic and love for this great new year 2012-
Sara
sdeisenman@yahoo.com
Happy belated birthday, Ms. Fenn!
ReplyDeleteAesthetically time has been kind... as life's harsh reality ever enriches your spirit.
ReplyDeleteTheo in Denmark
teddebare@hotmail.com
I was three when Twin Peaks first aired and when I was three I was more than likely watching The Empire Strikes Back or Elvis movies. Possibly Tommy Lee Jones movies, but I think that started when I was five…..
ReplyDeleteSo needless to say, I missed the complete and utter genius of it all until I was able recently to watch it courtesy of the marvelous invention that is Netflix.
I was captivated and intrigued and plenty of other verbs by every aspect of the show. It made me feel like my own strangeness maybe wasn’t so strange. And as a person with Asperger’s Syndrome that means the world to me when I can find something that makes me feel like that.
On top of becoming a huge fan of the show, I also became a huge fan of you. It’s not easy for me to form connections to people but, and this is probably silly, watching movies or tv or even listening to music gives me a helpful blueprint on how to have people in my life.
When I watch someone who I feel a connection to it doubles my understanding of how to handle basic human interactions. Monkey see, monkey do and all that.
Also, going through your blog has miraculously put words to some of the thoughts I have in my head. It’s very real and honest and there just isn’t enough of that going around.
Anyway, hope this finds you well and thank you from the bottom of my heart that I’m slowly learning to use.
Michelle