Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Here we "grow" again.

There seems to me to be such a huge chasm between positive and negative right now. Its like I am on a bizarre and surreal roller coaster ride. On one hand- I am encounter great beauty and piercing light, so deep that it hurts. On the other, a rage and darkness so potent I want to run and hide....but I will not.

I know that both of these exist within me and in all of us really. I can deal with my own most of the time but others psychic attacks are more challenging for me. I can be moved by the love I experience but shaken to the core by the rage coming at me from the outside.

Why do I seem to get more affected by the later? Why can't I just not take it personally and move on, being soothed by all that is good in my life. It by far outweighs the bad. Is it that I have more darkness and rage in me than I care to acknowledge? Or that it keeps all the false beliefs I have about myself firmly in place so I never move forward into real joy in my life?

Am I the only one who experiences this dilemma? Of course not, although my ego would say otherwise I know it is just another lie it tells me to stay in the drivers seat as I try to continually try to pull it out while going 110 on the freeway of this crazy life we are all dealing with right now. That is a run on sentence but oh well.....

There was a series of events back to back in the past 2 weeks that blew my mind. They were not random or coincidence as some would try to dismiss them. They were deeply and intrinsically connected in ways that are for the most part not in my conscious sight. They created or more accurately illuminated another tangled web in my psyche. Uhhhh, more work to do. Hence the title of this blog, here we grow again.

It started with my man lying to me [again] about watching porno. Something I find disgusting and degrading to women. Not to mention the fact that I believe it lets horrible energy into ones being. Making love is the most one can give another physically and spiritually to another. To me it is scared. This world has turned that to into a "profit" while securing the patriarch, yet again.

So yes he lied to me, face to face, eye to eye, and it hurt. I understand that he has had very little examples of experience of truth in his life, even as a child. But I have been truthful with him in all ways and he knows lies are something I find almost impossible to tolerate. And did so anyway.

In all fairness, its important to share that I do not have the healthiest relationship with sex either. I grew up with little to no room to discover me that way because of the suffocating nature of my mothers relationship to it. I explored it in some of my films in an effort to understand and accept it more not because I was so comfortable with my body, or a sex kitten or whatever other bizarre labels people put on me as a result.

So he lied and my trust in our relationship was compromised. Along with igniting some of my intense issues around it.

A few days later I had a meeting for possibly being packaged in a pilot for a funny tv show with someone who I had worked with before who shall remain nameless. This man is someone that was in big trouble when we worked together. Having problems with serious drugs and in a strange, sick relationship. But a part of me fell in love with him.

I have a big mouth ,as you know and I cared for him enough to say somethings to him while we worked together. To my pleasant surprise he is now sober for over a year and did not hate me for the things I said. So we with the would be producer met for a lunchish thing to reconnect.

There is a storm around him still. I was so happy to see him yet all my desires to try to save him kicked in again. As if I could..... I honestly know that we have known each other in another life. There was immense energy between us from the first time we met. He is attractive , has a good heart, is sexy and trouble.

When we worked together I remember I kept telling myself not to be stupid. And had to consciously not hang out with him. It was difficult but I knew it would end ugly. Watching his life descend into mayhem the past few I was thankful I had listened to my instincts.

But now here he was in front of me again. Almost the same temptation. Don't get me wrong, I have not and never will cheat on my man. If it does not work out with us, I will leave with my integrity firmly intact. Soap operas in my life hold no glamour for me anymore. I simply feel that it is essential for me to illuminate my truth and my struggles, for me. And maybe some of you will relate.

Sitting next to him, everything came rushing back. That combined with the knowledge that he was just as confused as before. That his sobriety has not yet given him a sort of emotional sobriety. I loved him, hated him and was scared of him all at once. But love as always prevailed....

So I had some wine to try to get through it. These "spirits" only seem to make things worse is what I keep coming to these days. He buffered what I said to him over and over. Joking how I had gotten in his face all those years ago, telling stories of my first love Johnny and his Hilter wife and remembering playing super heroes with my first son Myles, that Myles to this day has never forgotten.

You see he is like this. Completely unforgettable. But he in his heart does not know or believe this to be true. After being 30 minutes late, he jumped up 10 minutes into our conversation and said he needed to buy cigarettes. When he came back he brought two pairs of sunglasses he had just purchased. One for his asst who was there with us and another for himself, that he promptly put on.

They were mirrored and I said I am so not gonna sit here looking at myself in your glasses. Please note he did not have them on OUTSIDE but put them on once he sat down with us. I want to see your eyes. He got a little irritated with me as people do because I want to "see" them and be "seen" by them. I want to connect in a real way. Nobody did in my life as a child and I had no control over that. But as an adult I do have more control over that and do my best to keep it real.

He then said sheepishly the most honest thing he said through our time together:
"I want to wear them so you don't see a sadness in my eyes." Sweet man, I did not have the heart to share that I had already seen it. From the moment I met him all those years ago, to seeing him walk into the restaurant late, to the moment we said goodbye and he looked over his shoulder saying I'll call you tonight. You better answer. He never called and I knew he wouldn't. Its ok though..... I still love his heart even if he does not.

The next day I began to get very aggressive comments on this blog....again. And some of my dear friends came to defense. It got worse and worse. It became sexual, racist and violent by the time I got my man to block and report this person. But not before as I showed him the person's name, his page came up with a picture of his private parts exposed. Amazing. This I did not want or need to see.

As if the words were not ugly enough.... that added insult to injury. Especially given the situation with my man. And the confused nature of my friend. The light dancing with the dark. It just all came together into this ugly distorted ball of.....well, I don't know what. I am still digesting it. The god's have a sense of humor but do I??!!!

So yes, I am growing and walking towards light as I asked my friend to do. I said to him didn't you go dark enough???? But with all of this maybe it is ME I was really asking that question of.
Everything is always a mirror of ones own stuff, I believe. This is both comforting and frightening. I wish I knew how to sum all of this up but I do not.

I then went to the Twin Peaks festival in Snoqualmie Washington and was met with such kindness and love. Good people with good energy. In one of the most magical places on the earth. I had a gorgeous waterfall outside my window and it was my baby's 3rd birthday that our little family celebrated. Amazing beauty.

But received ugly posts on my facebook from a different person for not sending him an autographed pic. There are so many examples of these extreme dualities in the past month for me even beyond what I have written about. I wish I could untangle this knot and have more clarity and peace with it.

Maybe it is just a constant reminder that all exists on this planet. That I cannot hide from it. As sometimes I would like to in a bubble. I think of an amazing piece of the Bhagavad Gita: This is only the end of the it. But now that I remembered it, I have more peace.

"Even murders and rapists,
tyrants, the most cruel fanatics,
ultimately know redemption
through my love, if they surrender

to my harsh but healing graces.
Passing through excruciating
transformation, they find freedom
and their hearts find peace within them.

I am always with all beings;
I abandon no one. And
however great your inner darkness,
you are never separate from me.

Let your thoughts flow past you, calmly;
keep me near, at every moment;
trust me with your life, because I
AM you, more than you yourself are."

And so it is....


  1. I would tend to agree with you ... love/rage, good/bad, light/dark all exist within us at any given moment. It sounds like a lot of tests are coming at you all at one but from the greatest darkness comes the greatest light. Kinda like getting a diamond from a lump of coal. Apply lots of pressure and BINGO! ... you get a diamond ... clear and brilliant. Unfortunately, without the negative we can't change for the better. You're on the right path ... keep going and asking questions. :-) xo

  2. Sherilyn, that really is beautiful. I know most times it may be hard and the darkness within us doesnt want to allow it, but we have to let the light in our lives shine through. The good will always outweigh the bad and you have to remember that. You are a very wise woman and you are very strong. Dont let the hurtful things others say affect you. You have a man who loves you and 2 children who love you unconditionally, and lets not forget all of your fans who adore you. No hurtful comments can take that away from you. So just continue to shine your light, and let the light shine on you.


  3. The pendulum must swing, dear lady

    And only in its swinging may we find rest at its center.

    Shine on, crazy diamond


  4. S. F.,

    As always, it's so wonderful to read your words. I'm so glad you haven't retreated from posting after the craziness that happened in this share space. Those awful things had nothing to do with you - it was someone's twisted thoughts projected onto you. They need serious help. Thank God for Dylan. I've become an avid follower of his shares over this summer and he, like you, is a very deep and profound writer. He addressing of his lying issues in his latest post just made me admire him even more.
    Forgive me, I have to sidetrack slightly, and mention that I watched the documentary "Special Thanks to Roy London" recently and was deeply, deeply moved. After learning about Roy's life and listening to the inspiring words he spoke during the two brief on-camera interviews he gave, I feel, in a strange yet serene way, connected to him. I'm not an actor and never met him, but I feel like he was my teacher. I shouldn't even say teacher, because how Roy "taught" was so intimate and personal and unconventional. More like a wise man/companion through the school of life and I feel a strong kinship. He actually looked very much like my father (someone who, like many of us, I have a very complicated relationship with). When Lanford Wilson spoke of Roy's issues with self-esteem and shame about his (Roy's) sexual orientation (in his younger years before he started teaching) I really connected, because I am dealing with those two exact issues in my life right now. I find it incredibly inspiring that Roy embraced all the aspects of his life and turned it into being "all about love" and shared his gifts with you and others.
    Dylan mentioned in one of his previous shares about meeting a fellow student of Roy's who was in the same class as you. He (Dylan) described how Roy encouraged you to became a mother and experience the life-changing event that it is. I thought that so was wonderful. I loved the story you tell in the documentary about Roy's phone call during the filming of "Ruby." And I love photo of you guys outside the restaurant "Les Deux Magots" (I believe in Paris?)
    No, you're not alone in the lightness/darkness aspects you write of. I, for one, am constantly wrestling with these aspects. We all are. I believe that Roy strongly believed in embracing the positive/negatives of the human soul? Don't feel alone in your journey - you have many people all over the world supporting you. (That pilot sounds intriguing - hope it works out, I miss seeing you on the big and small screens).
    Sorry for taking up so much space. A million bright stars for you, Sherilyn. Keep sharing your amazing gifts with us.

  5. Remarkable... as always. Thank you, Sherilyn!

  6. Sherilyn,
    As I'm sure you can well sense on Twitter, I am a HUGE fan of yours. Have been for about 17 yrs. To me, you were a untouchable goddess....To read this blog & see how you respond to your fans on Twitter, has been such a beautiful experience for me. When I discovered my friend Sean Clark knew you (saw your pic with him on facebook) I wrote Sean immediately & asked him what you are really like.. He said "amazing" and this week on Twitter I have found that to be true. I know the things that you share with your fans on your blog, are very personal & sometimes painful. Thank you for opening up to us. It means more than you can imagine. Life can be beautiful & wonderful..yet very dark & painful, as you said. It helps me beyond words to know that you are such a warm, open, gracious person, to read your words and know that you are "real".As I said,I have adored you for years, and reading this & connecting with you on Twitter has been a blessing for me..Thank you Sherilyn, you have made every second worth being your fan. I hurt for you to hear people have been so ugly to you on your blog..I think it is a shame...you have such inner beauty to give...I also thank you for touching our lives..showing that you hurt too..that you care too...it's so very lovely. My daughters are EVERYTHING to me, as I know your boys are to you..One day, I would love to share my our (my girls & I) story with you...reading your blogs, I think it will touch you...With Love,
    (SuzBoop on Twitter)

  7. Sherilyn,

    Beautiful words as always. And the words of the Bhagavad Gita will serve you well.

    Thank you, as always, for the words you share with us and being so good, open, and brave with us.

  8. reading your writings brings me to higher level of you. Which is good. cause who hasn't had a crush on you when they were a teenager. Though to feel you as human and humble as so many are is a breath of fresh air. namaste

  9. Truth is beauty... that phrase has been repeated so often as to become a cliche. Your truth is beautiful and we are grateful for it. The fact that others try and vandalize your monuments to truth, or try and denigrate you does not make the truth any less beautiful. Thank you for sharing your truths with us..

  10. It's very sad the amount of disrespect that gets thrown on cyber hun, but many valuable lessons abound within the happy dream as well. Much love and blessings to you.

    BTW, thanks so much for making the effort for the TP fest. I know one guy who went that must've been over the moon you turned up. Would love to make it there one day myself.


  11. I'm curious. Were you more angry about the lying or the pornography? I obviously don't know any history here but it sounds like that when you confronted him, he made the split second calculation based on your stated feelings regarding pornography, that the truth might hurt you more than the lie(assuming you wouldn't find out). If I read his blog and yours correctly I'm getting that he fessed up out of guilt. If that's the case then both of these things would lead me to believe that this man loves you more than the air that he breathes. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason. I'm not excusing his behavior, just maybe offering a reason to feel better about the incident. I know you both only from your writings but you both seem like extraordinary people who deserve each other in the best way.

  12. I have read most of your posts and appreciate your thoughtfulness and honesty. Although I enjoy reading what you write about your observations about life and your feelings and experiences, I must say that I was particularly captivated by your post about the low-budget movie you did called "Crime Zone." I enjoy reading first-hand accounts by actors about their craft and the behind the scenes details of the production of the movies they star in, and your "Crime Zone" post was a great read. I was wondering if you might come out with a book one day about about your experiences on the various movies and television projects you have been in? Even though "Crime Zone" was riddled with plot holes, generally bad acting, and an overall shoddy production value, nevertheless it does not serve to diminish my enthusiasm for your contributions to the film and other B-movies like it that ultimately turned out to be quite bad, but were redeemed by your performances in them.

  13. what the?.. what's going on here! who talked crap about sherilyn! just tell me his address and i'll contact the police! i'll make that son of a b..witch curse the day he was born!

    and you dylan why you lied to sherilyn man.. i'm not trying to judge you man but it's not fair! at least you helped her with that punk who insulted her. yeaaaah... you show him! i don't know much about light and dark but when someone insults your lady?! you got to have NO MERCY for these scums, i'm tellin ya! whoooaaa.. look how much i wrote! i'm already gettin hungry! i got to eat folks see you around! like a quarter pound!

  14. Hi Sherilyn,

    I am a fan of Twin Peaks and ‘discovered’ you through the show. David Lynch brought a good deal of true human nature to mainstream television with TP. The more that I familiarise myself with your words the more it seems that you are a person who acknowledges their own duality and the struggles that it sometimes opens up. The ‘light’ and ‘dark’ of which you speak exist in all of us, however it seems only a select few are able to recognise this and attempt to control it…

    Your words tell me that you are a good person. I mean this exactly as it sounds. It seems you try to help people however you can, a rare quality these days… Commerce and capitalism preech greed and selfish human nature…and unfortunately this seems to be the way things are headed. Some days I don’t see a way back…

    Regarding nuisance blog comments…Aside from being a great networking ‘tool’ unfortunately the internet offers a safe haven for people to anonymously ‘exercise’ jealousy and ignorance by posting overtly hurtful comments. The important thing is to recognise these types of comments (…and people) for what they are and dismiss them. They deserve no ‘food’ by way of acknowledgment…

    Keep writing, I’ll keep reading.

    James – Twitter NewCrime

  15. i've been thinking about that guy who pestered you.. i hope he's reading this because i know he's hurting and YES, i WANT him to suffer!.. i KNOW he's a 60+ year old virgin living in his parents' basement, an old freak without a job who never EVER had a girlfriend in his entire patethic life.. he's most likely living out of our tax money.. he's a parasite to the society.. a blood sucking leech! i don't understand these people.. their lifes are so miserable but they won't die! instead, they try to make others' people's lifes miserable too! he should just die in a ditch like a sick old bitch.. don't you agree sherilyn? i mean come on, that's the truth. i know you got love for everybody but what love can you have for a mosquito whose only purpose is to sting you and suck your blood!

    oh and sherilyn you got a facebook page? i didn't know. can you say the address? and you do other things on the internet as well? like play online games? or you just write

  16. If god exists, I think that he must have an enormous sense of humor because I do not tend to believe in the darkness (I try...) and in the light (I try too...) but rather in the 'things' which there is between both and I think that it's even in this place which we"grow". Even if I feel the darkness and the light. I'm a complicated human being?

    Love to you,
    It's always a pleasure to read you and to read/heard news of/from you.

    Love to you,
    P.S : I will contact you for 'something' in 2 or 3 month.

  17. Dear Sherilyn,

    For you!

    Be Lost in the Call

    Lord, said David, since you do not need us,
    why did you create these two worlds?

    Reality replied: O prisoner of time,
    I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,
    and I wished this treasure to be known,
    so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;
    its darkened back, the world;
    The back would please you if you've never seen the face.

    Has anyone ever produced a mirror out of mud and straw?
    Yet clean away the mud and straw,
    and a mirror might be revealed.

    Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
    it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
    you must do a little work.

    My King addressed the soul of my flesh:
    You return just as you left.
    Where are the traces of my gifts?

    We know that alchemy transforms copper into gold.
    This Sun doesn't want a crown or robe from God's grace.
    He is a hat to a hundred bald men,
    a covering for ten who were naked.

    Jesus sat humbly on the back of an ass, my child!
    How could a zephyr ride an ass?
    Spirit, find your way, in seeking lowness like a stream.
    Reason, tread the path of selflessness into eternity.

    Remember God so much that you are forgotten.
    Let the caller and the called disappear;
    be lost in the Call.


    Thank you, Inga

  18. Another amazing blog.. Your words are very touching. As a woman I feel the same as u about the whole porno thing... I view sex too as something sacred. Although I didn't have the best examples of it either growing up; I had to sort of come up with it on my own.. My heart goes out to u with all the things your struggling with right now. I know it will all work out. Your a smart lady who eventually figures things out. Best of luck to u on your journey.. Sending love~

  19. Another wonderful inspiring post. I feel the same as u with sex being something sacred. I also didn't have the best examples of this growing up. Anyway my heart goes out to u and all that your struggling with right now. I have faith that you'll figure things out as you seem like such a smart lady.. Best of luck to you on your journey..

  20. "... the sage is forever free. "

    (p.s. the "hey boys" was a hit)

  21. Hey!

    I am your newest fan. I didnt know u were for real. I thought u just were a character in Twin Peaks. Delighted you exist, lol.

    I am heading to Snoaqualmie this autumn and i am going to bring my tent and look for the "red room".

    I wish Audrey/Sherilyn (i take anyone of those!) could be there and guide me...

    Lots of Sparkling Love from Sweden

  22. You are correct about people's issues mirroring back one's own. I find this happens to me all the time. Whenever something makes me really angry--if I think long and hard about why it's making me angry, it almost always comes back to something I haven't dealt with. It has taken me so long to get to that place of realization, and I still have knee-jerk/emotional reactions to things, but I am finally learning to process before lashing out or even judging someone internally. It sounds like you are doing that too! And what a great quote from the 'Gita...

    I feel similarly about porn. I have very complicated feelings about it--sometimes it's okay with me, but when my significant other is viewing it (especially in secret & I find out), it always gives me pause. I start to worry needlessly about "not living up to something"--as if I'd want to look like blown-up, fakey porn stars! So silly. And you're right, it totally reinforces patriarchy.

    You mentioned exploring sex in previous work--and I have to say, despite how the experience may have been for you, a film like "Two Moon Junction" transcends the over-simplified "Skinimax" label that was placed onto it. I know it's not a perfect film, and I've heard/read rumors that your co-star wasn't the most mannerly of gentlemen (hope that isn't true!), but it really is a beautiful story of a woman finding her passion (not just sexual, either). Forgive me for going on so much about it, but I just wanted you to know that as a woman of roughly the same age & as someone who has always followed your work, I still find merit in the film, because it echoes some of my own experience. I still have a VHS copy, and treasure it. You were wonderful & beautiful in it, and it was part of your growing process. Bravo!

    All best as always, & thank you for your willing candor. ~Alexandra

  23. About the dark, I truly do feel there is no bottom. At least not in the sense we learn in the rooms of being a "rock bottom." That bottom will continue to fall out from underneath us until we grab the side and hold on to dear life!
    While Step One says that we have to hit a rock bottom--a surrender, and that it will be like no other. (proving once again that the program was founded by chronic slippers who finally got it, worked it to a perfection as seen, blessed with, in the Promises.)

    I can only hope my other is today. Hopefully tomorrow and not even worry about the week ahead!

  24. Sherilyn!

    I just stumbled across this, you write beautifully.

    You were my first love back in the day. Turns out I was gay after all but I still have my posters somewhere in a box and I'm always checking wiki to see what you are up to. I'm happy to have found this blog.

    Take care,


    ps how about a Rude Awakening DVD!?

  25. Just tried to post something and it was all erased. Dang - it was well thought out.

    Here goes again:

    Found this blog randomly (coincidence? - i'm not much of blog person) and skipped to this post (coincidence? - I'm not much of coincidence person now a days).

    on pornography and trust:

    sorry for your pain. many are with you on this issue. i can likely relate to your man more in that i've also caused trust to be broken between my wife and I because of this issue. i had at times felt hopeless that trust could not be regained. the shame and hopelessness was not helpful. i have experienced trust restored as i have worked to embrace the sacred nature of intimacy over the far easier instant gratification that comes from indulging in pornography.

    on dualistic/dialectical nature of the self and world:

    Chrisitan principles of repentance and forgiveness and Bhudist principles of radical acceptance and mindfulness are helping me to understand and experience my self and others in a way that is growth inducing. my belief in a loving God who is both merciful and just and perfectly understanding is a rock in my life from which I have discovered much joy.

    I see that you like The Prophet by Gibran.

    Perhaps you know of Rabindranath Tagore's Gitanjali (Song Offerings).

    Here is a sample (related to growth):

    On many an idle day
    have I grieved over lost time.
    But it is never lost, my lord.
    Thou hast taken every moment of my life
    in thine own hands.

    Hidden in the heart of things
    thou art nourishing seeds into sprouts,
    buds into blossoms,
    and ripening flowers into fruitfulness.

    I was tired and sleeping on my idle bed
    and imagined all work had ceased.
    In the morning I woke up and found my garden full with wonders of flowers.

    Rabindranath Tagore (Gitanjali #81)

  26. Dear Sherilyn,

    I feel extremely fortunate today and indeed happy to have stumbled across your blog site.

    Your beauty and smile has always captivated me since my early high school days when I was entranced by Twin Peaks. I never thought for a moment I would ever be able to take a glimpse into a world of expression of thought and feelings that were precious to you.

    It’s a wonderful thing when you feel your spirit rejoice when another you appreciate expresses itself openly and so freely. I honestly feel warmed by this glimpse in knowing that the beauty I remember and cheerished is also mirrored within you through your diary of life and reflection. Though admittedly the written language can never fully express emotion and experience you do so with an honesty and eloquence I feel so rare.

    There have been few occasions in my life where I’ve experienced true beauty where it can be seen, heard, touched or even smelled. In some of my treks across the world I have been privileged to experience this in nature through the beauty of spanning deserts and oceans to the magical jungles and mountain highlands. Rare more so is experiencing that intrinsic beauty in a person through expression of thought, song or be it dance. I now count myself very fortunate to have heard and felt this in your blogs.

    I see you more than just beautiful person in appearance but one that has an intrinsic beauty that words will never adequately describe. Thank you for sharing this with me.

    I hope this message finds you well and happy.

    Health is the greatest possession.
    Contentment is the greatest treasure.
    Confidence is the greatest friend.
    Non-being is by far the greatest joy.

    Perth, W/Australia

  27. Brutal-bloggage. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  28. Hi
    I was looking over your most recent blog posts,looking to see if you were continuing your Princeland posts.....anyway,I was PLEASANTLY shocked to see someone else besides me who isn't a fan of porn.You're soooooooooo right on about it!