I know that both of these exist within me and in all of us really. I can deal with my own most of the time but others psychic attacks are more challenging for me. I can be moved by the love I experience but shaken to the core by the rage coming at me from the outside.
Why do I seem to get more affected by the later? Why can't I just not take it personally and move on, being soothed by all that is good in my life. It by far outweighs the bad. Is it that I have more darkness and rage in me than I care to acknowledge? Or that it keeps all the false beliefs I have about myself firmly in place so I never move forward into real joy in my life?
Am I the only one who experiences this dilemma? Of course not, although my ego would say otherwise I know it is just another lie it tells me to stay in the drivers seat as I try to continually try to pull it out while going 110 on the freeway of this crazy life we are all dealing with right now. That is a run on sentence but oh well.....
There was a series of events back to back in the past 2 weeks that blew my mind. They were not random or coincidence as some would try to dismiss them. They were deeply and intrinsically connected in ways that are for the most part not in my conscious sight. They created or more accurately illuminated another tangled web in my psyche. Uhhhh, more work to do. Hence the title of this blog, here we grow again.
It started with my man lying to me [again] about watching porno. Something I find disgusting and degrading to women. Not to mention the fact that I believe it lets horrible energy into ones being. Making love is the most one can give another physically and spiritually to another. To me it is scared. This world has turned that to into a "profit" while securing the patriarch, yet again.
So yes he lied to me, face to face, eye to eye, and it hurt. I understand that he has had very little examples of experience of truth in his life, even as a child. But I have been truthful with him in all ways and he knows lies are something I find almost impossible to tolerate. And did so anyway.
In all fairness, its important to share that I do not have the healthiest relationship with sex either. I grew up with little to no room to discover me that way because of the suffocating nature of my mothers relationship to it. I explored it in some of my films in an effort to understand and accept it more not because I was so comfortable with my body, or a sex kitten or whatever other bizarre labels people put on me as a result.
So he lied and my trust in our relationship was compromised. Along with igniting some of my intense issues around it.
A few days later I had a meeting for possibly being packaged in a pilot for a funny tv show with someone who I had worked with before who shall remain nameless. This man is someone that was in big trouble when we worked together. Having problems with serious drugs and in a strange, sick relationship. But a part of me fell in love with him.
I have a big mouth ,as you know and I cared for him enough to say somethings to him while we worked together. To my pleasant surprise he is now sober for over a year and did not hate me for the things I said. So we with the would be producer met for a lunchish thing to reconnect.
There is a storm around him still. I was so happy to see him yet all my desires to try to save him kicked in again. As if I could..... I honestly know that we have known each other in another life. There was immense energy between us from the first time we met. He is attractive , has a good heart, is sexy and trouble.
When we worked together I remember I kept telling myself not to be stupid. And had to consciously not hang out with him. It was difficult but I knew it would end ugly. Watching his life descend into mayhem the past few I was thankful I had listened to my instincts.
But now here he was in front of me again. Almost the same temptation. Don't get me wrong, I have not and never will cheat on my man. If it does not work out with us, I will leave with my integrity firmly intact. Soap operas in my life hold no glamour for me anymore. I simply feel that it is essential for me to illuminate my truth and my struggles, for me. And maybe some of you will relate.
Sitting next to him, everything came rushing back. That combined with the knowledge that he was just as confused as before. That his sobriety has not yet given him a sort of emotional sobriety. I loved him, hated him and was scared of him all at once. But love as always prevailed....
So I had some wine to try to get through it. These "spirits" only seem to make things worse is what I keep coming to these days. He buffered what I said to him over and over. Joking how I had gotten in his face all those years ago, telling stories of my first love Johnny and his Hilter wife and remembering playing super heroes with my first son Myles, that Myles to this day has never forgotten.
You see he is like this. Completely unforgettable. But he in his heart does not know or believe this to be true. After being 30 minutes late, he jumped up 10 minutes into our conversation and said he needed to buy cigarettes. When he came back he brought two pairs of sunglasses he had just purchased. One for his asst who was there with us and another for himself, that he promptly put on.
They were mirrored and I said I am so not gonna sit here looking at myself in your glasses. Please note he did not have them on OUTSIDE but put them on once he sat down with us. I want to see your eyes. He got a little irritated with me as people do because I want to "see" them and be "seen" by them. I want to connect in a real way. Nobody did in my life as a child and I had no control over that. But as an adult I do have more control over that and do my best to keep it real.
He then said sheepishly the most honest thing he said through our time together:
"I want to wear them so you don't see a sadness in my eyes." Sweet man, I did not have the heart to share that I had already seen it. From the moment I met him all those years ago, to seeing him walk into the restaurant late, to the moment we said goodbye and he looked over his shoulder saying I'll call you tonight. You better answer. He never called and I knew he wouldn't. Its ok though..... I still love his heart even if he does not.
The next day I began to get very aggressive comments on this blog....again. And some of my dear friends came to defense. It got worse and worse. It became sexual, racist and violent by the time I got my man to block and report this person. But not before as I showed him the person's name, his page came up with a picture of his private parts exposed. Amazing. This I did not want or need to see.
As if the words were not ugly enough.... that added insult to injury. Especially given the situation with my man. And the confused nature of my friend. The light dancing with the dark. It just all came together into this ugly distorted ball of.....well, I don't know what. I am still digesting it. The god's have a sense of humor but do I??!!!
So yes, I am growing and walking towards light as I asked my friend to do. I said to him didn't you go dark enough???? But with all of this maybe it is ME I was really asking that question of.
Everything is always a mirror of ones own stuff, I believe. This is both comforting and frightening. I wish I knew how to sum all of this up but I do not.
I then went to the Twin Peaks festival in Snoqualmie Washington and was met with such kindness and love. Good people with good energy. In one of the most magical places on the earth. I had a gorgeous waterfall outside my window and it was my baby's 3rd birthday that our little family celebrated. Amazing beauty.
But received ugly posts on my facebook from a different person for not sending him an autographed pic. There are so many examples of these extreme dualities in the past month for me even beyond what I have written about. I wish I could untangle this knot and have more clarity and peace with it.
Maybe it is just a constant reminder that all exists on this planet. That I cannot hide from it. As sometimes I would like to in a bubble. I think of an amazing piece of the Bhagavad Gita: This is only the end of the it. But now that I remembered it, I have more peace.
"Even murders and rapists,
tyrants, the most cruel fanatics,
ultimately know redemption
through my love, if they surrender
to my harsh but healing graces.
Passing through excruciating
transformation, they find freedom
and their hearts find peace within them.
I am always with all beings;
I abandon no one. And
however great your inner darkness,
you are never separate from me.
Let your thoughts flow past you, calmly;
keep me near, at every moment;
trust me with your life, because I
AM you, more than you yourself are."
And so it is....