Then I miss having a place to share. When I hear others experiencing similar things, I feel a little less crazy. I remember that a lot of this is the sign of the times. I guess I am still contracted. I sit here and do not know what to write. It just does not feel as safe somehow. I am too sensitive. I need a thicker skin.
I will carry on nonetheless.......
I sometimes can step so deeply into the moment that it brings tears to my eyes. All the beauty that is here. All the beauty that the screaming hall of scholars in my mind (as I am fond of calling them) DROWN it out. But when this feeling the moment occurs, I feel so free. So thankful for everything. I can really see the trees, the flowers, feel the air, hear the sounds and reject nothing. The way life itself does this. It rejects nothing.
Why is man so arrogant? Why do we accept what we like and reject all else. Like chopping off the Dobermans tail and ears. Oh yes, it SO much better that way. WHAT? I had the horrible misfortune of taking my brothers dogs puppies to the vet to get their tails and their duke claws snipped off.
I unfortunately did not get out the door quick enough to avoid the agonizing squeals as they did the deed to one of those poor puppies. The sound haunts me to this day. It is my silence of the lambs.....
It was similar to my baby Christian James first birthday party. It was planned stupidly NOT in our home and was a disaster for too many reasons to go into. But as we left the house and were packing up our car to escape....... I could hear all the balloons we had ordered for the party being popped, killed, destroyed, again and again.
It SO brought back these moments of horror for me and confirmed that this was not the place to have had my boys party. I did not listen to my instincts. I try to do better with that now.
The instinctive/conscience voice is a quiet voice and usually the first thought that arises. Then the mind and the ego come charging in, hot on its trail and desperate to create a problem/drama that it can now solve.
It is quite a trip being a human....being. With all my years of searching, it is still hardest to turn knowledge into being. And silly of me most likely to feel there is something I can do to make this happen.
It seems in this moment in my life, everything leads back to the fact that I have zero control over anything. And I mean anything. That I never did and never will. That I am not breathing, I am being breathed.
It is so obvious when my heart does what it does with no help from me. All senses firing away with nothing to do with me. It is as I always come back to .....we are the miracle we are looking for.
Then why so sad and confused.....because for me this has not turned into being. But I have faith that it will. Life has not forgotten me or any of us. It will just never look the way that we think it should.
Its better.....but only with eyes to see.
I do completely believe the saying:
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.