I turned 45 on Feb 1st. It is the first time I allowed there to be many celebrations around it. It was so wonderful as the polarity of life is. It ranged from experiencing feelings of intense hate from a very sad and sick individual who projected much of their unexamined anger onto me in an attempted character assignation. To the polar opposite of being exulted to a queen. Surrounded by many beloved women in my life [they actually gave me a crown albeit an Ariel one [The little mermaid].... and a beautiful Queen plaque from my king, Dylan. One of his many presents for me.
There were actually SO many absolutely beautiful expressions of love for me from my friends. It was a little overwhelming... Gorgeous necklaces, flowers, a framed picture of a family dear to me, a gorgeous silk blouse, an amazing jewelry necklace & earring set from my new found sis [this is a whole other blog], a cozy out of the bath robe, a flapper-like purse black w/ fringe. Even my beautiful 16 year old got me a darling Marilyn Monroe looking top. There were more, but I cannot remember as I write, forgive me sisters....
My man was the most generous. A heart felt statue for my altar of a man, woman and baby. It made me cry. Inspiring stones with meaningful words. My mentioned QUEEN plaque. And the coveted, special anniversary edition, black leather Kooba purse......wow....... I am now complete.....hehehe
Of course the real reason I am so complete is that the love that poured through those close to me was like nothing I have ever felt. I actually allowed myself to receive it for a change. And its like GOD sent these people to all be able to come in and love and support after the siege of darkness. In retrospect it all makes perfect sense now. And I am reminded again of what is important. Love.....
Life is filled with light and dark. Hot and cold. Good and bad. And many like to try to smash what they feel threatened by. But when one has faith in themselves and most importantly in GOD they cannot be hurt. If we just go with whatever life brings us, it is so much more peaceful than deciding how it should look and suffering because it does not. I work on this tenaciously. I just keep walking toward light.....that is my mantra.
It is so rare in my life that things have looked the way I wanted them to. They always look different. I grow from all my experiences, especially the bad ones. So I keep embracing what comes. I do not turn a blind eye, I walk into stuff. Ce moi" !!!! Because if I don't, I know it will not just go away. Too much being swept under the rug creates an amusement park of roller coaster like hills to have to navigate over. I love rides but not that kind.
So we ran the gamut of emotions. And thank GOD the poison, try as it may did not seep in. There is a piece of me that just watched with great pity. Seeing the obvious pain and self hate that had not a damn thing to do with me. SO some prayers were sent out. And I fly away like a bird as I have done so many times in my life.
After living 45 years on the planet, it makes for a lot of life experience. And I am no saint. But I am always able to see my 50 percent and have accountability for it. I am not responsible for the rest. "To err is human, to forgive....divine." Shakespeare. I am adept at both.
"I am may be as bad as the worst, but thank GOD I am as good as the best." W. Whitman.
It sums up the truth of my existence. With much continued work I now see, love and accept myself. Keep refining and not beating myself up for past mistakes. We all have them. Its called being human. But I have never and would never threaten anyone. And for this I see my heart shine through.
So I wonder what this 45th year will bring... I send love to all of you who read and support me.
More to come......