Doors

Hello....i love you won't you tell me your name.

Maybe it was easier living back then and just tripping through the doors of perception. I can only exist moment by moment, lest I crumble into a million pieces and be blown away by the winds of  change. I am lost,  found and  floating all at one time. I feel yesterday/today/tomorrow all at once. And I continue to be lived.... being pierced each moment by an indescribable pain and longing,  a bittersweet love.

Every idea of who I should be or where I should be in my life stab at me mercilessly. A numbness takes over. Its familiar. Its been here since I was so young. Although I am 50, it feels sometimes like it is yesterday. Or like it never was at all. It feels like in a snap who knows what life will now bring to me.  The only mantra of ultimate peace for me is :

 I love my two beautiful sons. I am blessed to be a mother.

They are the only ones who have all of me. And they too shall fly away. Ill keep the nest warm, God willing that I have one. I do the best I can wishing I could do even more. Is this just the same existential dilemma we all fall into? I wonder....

I must say that I am at odds with the fact that nothing is certain. I have fought this battle, always losing. I long for security and the promise "of happily ever after" from the fairy tales. But how can there be in anything....... except in moments. It just all comes back to moments. One by one and with the truth in which we allow them.

I don't remember a time in my lifetime that the world felt like this. IT feels we are all individually and collectively getting are asses kicked. That we are being shaken so that all the dead falls off of us, and it is harder to rid oneself of beliefs of lineages than leaves.

I found a few gardenia bushes sort hidden, or taking refuge from the 100 degree temps we hit in my front yard. I have been cleaning them off, watering them regularly and they are ready to have multiple buds blossom. Something about this is profound.

But i digress