Some things..........a release

Some things must be said.
 Some things, they must be said.  But please keep your pity for yourself.....for where you are blind.

I feel something inside of me changing, birthing.... I cannot stay like this any longer.
These thoughts hold me prisoner, even this writing could be dangerous........yet something must be said. Some things.........

I am so contradictory. It is exhausting riding the moods of my mind. Mixed with the truth of the world  in all its breaking down. And a deep seeded need to feel safe and secure in a world with no such thing....

I have filed for bankruptcy. I will need to turn in my car in Feb. I need a much cheaper place with my son. I am scared. I have been working. We have a simple life. And yet we have nothing.  From working  my boys are taken care of  when i pass. Thank God...

My sons are the best experiences of my life. By far. I love deeper everyday from knowing these two angels. They have and continue to make life worth living. They have shown me a love that never was born, nor shall it ever die. The safest place I have ever known on this planet is within the love of my sons Myles and Christian.

Its as everyone shares, in the blink of an eye its gone....possibilities.....sometimes dreams.....the rosebud blossom, childhood and than one's child's childhood.

My mother loves to share the story with me of how I was born a month "late" and how I did not want to come out into this world. Then, I was born quickly, three pushes she says. Maybe I saw the tongs they were gonna grab at my head with.........nnnooooooooo........

I feel her story. I feel it inside of me in the deepest place. Yes how I love to curl up into a ball and hide under my covers, with loud fans whirling creating a womb like sound.
The things that continue to happen here astound me and make me feel disease in  my bones. I try to shield myself from as much as possible. Because I already feel it and going into  it more produces a state of depression and hopelessness and fear.


I seek the tear in the fabric.  It only comes in moments. It is the quiet voice and feels a higher state. The knowing, the pulling, the flow that has and will forever propel all things forward to light. To love.....

 Something it is silly to try to put into words. It is that that is too vast to be  named.
Surrender Sherilyn....Surrender Sherri....let it be.....there is nothing to do.   It is christmas pj day with my little one.

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to your quiet voice..... It will guide you and all of us have this as our birthright.

I come here to take it to the streets and release more masks this frightened world has made a belief of wearing them and hiding. Instead of shedding them and......gliding......truthfully.....xxoo

Love and Light, as always

Doors

Hello....i love you won't you tell me your name.

Maybe it was easier living back then and just tripping through the doors of perception. I can only exist moment by moment, lest I crumble into a million pieces and be blown away by the winds of  change. I am lost,  found and  floating all at one time. I feel yesterday/today/tomorrow all at once. And I continue to be lived.... being pierced each moment by an indescribable pain and longing,  a bittersweet love.

Every idea of who I should be or where I should be in my life stab at me mercilessly. A numbness takes over. Its familiar. Its been here since I was so young. Although I am 50, it feels sometimes like it is yesterday. Or like it never was at all. It feels like in a snap who knows what life will now bring to me.  The only mantra of ultimate peace for me is :

 I love my two beautiful sons. I am blessed to be a mother.

They are the only ones who have all of me. And they too shall fly away. Ill keep the nest warm, God willing that I have one. I do the best I can wishing I could do even more. Is this just the same existential dilemma we all fall into? I wonder....

I must say that I am at odds with the fact that nothing is certain. I have fought this battle, always losing. I long for security and the promise "of happily ever after" from the fairy tales. But how can there be in anything....... except in moments. It just all comes back to moments. One by one and with the truth in which we allow them.

I don't remember a time in my lifetime that the world felt like this. IT feels we are all individually and collectively getting are asses kicked. That we are being shaken so that all the dead falls off of us, and it is harder to rid oneself of beliefs of lineages than leaves.

I found a few gardenia bushes sort hidden, or taking refuge from the 100 degree temps we hit in my front yard. I have been cleaning them off, watering them regularly and they are ready to have multiple buds blossom. Something about this is profound.

But i digress